moments to share, moments to care

i regret working myself to the bone for the past 2.5 years.
i see my friends finding joy in life with hobbies, family and moving forward, whereas i'm stuck.

was it really all just for the money?
yes, i have gained financial security, good contacts, and knowledge above all.

but i've turned into a shell of a human. and having a similar feeling when i had just gained sobriety - of how much time i have wasted when i could have lived.

sobriety. thankfully i haven't lost it during this difficult time. being sober was when i first felt sky is the limit, and i can do/achieve anything i want.

i hope i can find the strength to accept that my priority is to recover and take care of myself. to heal. to regain strength and joy, and mostly freedom and peace.

a day before the trip, i'm excited.

i want to go for the weather, for the change of scenery, for the fruit and sunshine, for the warm water.

i've prepared 2 books to read, 2 things to do, and then there is always netflix and sleep in case i get anxiety.
i have the permission to enjoy this any way i want.
i can sleep all day if i want to, or i can go shopping, or go hiking or swimming.
it is my time to rest and enjoy. there is no wrong way to do it.

and then there were five :)

yesterday is the day i will remember as the day when all the puzzle pieces finally fell in place.

the lifestyle that i was striving for, how i wanted to live - it all came through.

finally there is balance between work, sports and learning. there is free time and self care. there is energy.
it took me almost 5 years to get here.

yes, there were many periods that were wonderful, filled with laughter.
but either i still worked too much, had too many service positions, worked out too much, lived in a place that seemed temporary or my health was not where i would like it to be.

and even if the pieces clicked together this day, the concious work to get here, was put in long before. neither does it mean all is finished - now the real fun can start. now i can make reasonable challenges to myself, and grow without exhaustion and with purpose.

i am grateful for my life and my sobriety, without which this wasn't possible.

and that darn cat who is the cutest being in the whole world, but man...

i have never considered myself an ambitious person career wise, but lately i'm doubting my own beliefs. high responsibility without the knowledge behind it causes an imposter syndrome along with anxiety of not being good enough.

after the evaluation where my boss casually dropped that i should strive for the cio position sometime in the future, i've been panicking. not that it is realistically anywhere on the horizon. my mind/ego/mother's voice created lists of things i am short of, and a plan on how and when to achieve that.
my own little vulnerable self just wants to get under the covers and pretend nothing is going on around me.

ambition is my worst enemy. paired with perfectionism, control and the already high standards i set for myself, it inevidably leads to burnout.

that is not a life i want, nor can afford.

what i want is simplicity. balance of being able to work out, sleep well, eat healthy and work responsibly. i don't have to be the best, but i want to enjoy the journey of life, day...

dear friends,

tonight i feel euphoric.
so much of the past 4 years, 9 months and 12 days (but who's counting) has been leading me upwards one day at a time.
today i have my dream job - a place where i can grow and learn, a place with amazing colelagues, a place where i'm sober and being honest, focused and kind.
my life is drama free. i have a safe space. i only have one job and plenty of time to focus on my health and hobbies.
i have health and wonderful cuddly cat. i have dreams and plans. books that lift me up and motivate to learn even more.

i have a family.
i have a fulfilled life.

and i wouldn't have any of it, if i wasn't sober.
sobriety is everything.

dear bloggis.se team. i apologise in advance for keeping using your cloud resources.
i'm addicted to reflection via writing. and despite trying other blog platforms and paper, i've come back, taking the risk the platform might no longer be here tomorrow.

so. reflection on the next steps in career.
- better understanding of customer/vendor relationship with internal stakeholders. hear their needs, and present more evidence on my suggestions for future roadmaps.
- adapt my negotiation style more to theirs. in my case that means - slowing down - they prefer thorough and well informed decisions over speed; - more formality; - less emotion; - less direct, as i tend to be too transparent; - selling my teams more on the job they have done.

- many of my "popcorn" ideas (and there are so many of them) get the same level of priority and urgency (meaning: high). it should not be so. with the workload being on the heavy side, i rarely had a time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, which is...

today was sort of an unexpected turning point for me.
i had the annual performance evaluation. even though i've done a lot of good the past year, i was anxious.

however, it turned out to be something eye-opening.
i was already aware of my stronger suits - never missing a deadline, having a tenacity to finish whatever i start, having a high ability to learn and process information, making decisions and setting high standards for myself.

i was also aware of a flaw in my communication skills. i have always been naturally opposed to the concept of "sales". it had a negative connotation of a Ponzi schemes, abuse of gullible people and a mix of arrogance, selfishness and dirty business.
however, sales per se is a valuable skill, and necessary in my field. it is the ability to listen to your customer/stakeholders needs, presenting yourself/product, sense of value, sense of maturity, knowing your audience. of course, charm doesn't hurt. but is not essential. and sales doesn't have to be dishonest and...