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moments to share, moments to care

i will not contact you in person, knowing how badly each time of our communication has ended, knowing the urge to fake a better person than i am in front of you, how many dishonest apologies i have already made without actually making a difference, as well as i respect the life you are leading and know my interference even with good intentions might cause only harm.
however, i owe you an honest apology, out of responsibility, not out of guilt.

i am an alcoholic. you met me as one and knowing it takes one week up to one month for body and brain to sober up, you never saw me sober. my behaviors and thoughts were controlled by alcohol and dysfunctional illness, and i was covering it up by a convenient victim's role, making constant excuses and justifications to my actions. i manipulated you to begin with, intentionally taking you away from your family. and i kept manipulating, since i didn't know how to ask for something honestly while waving the huge flag of honesty in your face. i lied and humiliated...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-19

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only now i realize the magnitude of the harm i've caused to others, hiding in the victim's role.
and there is lots of it.
it wasn't hard to list all the people i've harmed, nor to admit those harms to myself and God.

i hope they can forgive me.
i have forgiven myself, willing to ask for forgiveness and make amends where it is possible and causes no additional harm.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-19

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i prayed for my flaws to be removed. even went to a church and accidentally participated in a christening/baptizing ceremony, and it seemed that the words from the priest were meant for me personally.
however, then the usual service started and i left. Holy Trinity, Resurrection, Virgin Mary and Holy Church are still terms I don't understand, much less believe in them.

however.
a bit disappointing ending to something what once again was a delusional fantasy of my napoleon ego.

all of my character flaws were not removed at once then and there.
on Monday i woke up once again with the huge, demanding, hungry ego with the resulting consequences, reminding me that it is the Higher Power who is the director of my life, deciding when and how the flaws will be removed.

it is not up to me anymore.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-17

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listing my flaws for God to remove was the next step.

i feel emptied. but i also have no idea who i am.
i can no longer laugh, my jokes were venomous, sarcastic, filled with hidden resentment, envy and superiority.
i can no longer dance, play viola, do things i used to - they were done out of pure acting, tries of seduction or something that "was approved to be good" by others. even meeting friends was one big act to brag or complain. a tragically sad stand-up comedy.

without the ego, there are few joys now until i learn how to live honestly and build life from a scratch - listening to music, sunsets, wind, the smell of the nature, my dopey dog, great, refreshing sleep and shower, long walks, candlelight and a few more things that don't involve boosting an empty ego or any other of my flaws.

but joy will come.
i am ready for God to remove my flaws and take the next step.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-14

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writing down all my fears, angers, flaws and failures was difficult enough but also freeing.
to finally empty that huge sack of darkness i've been carrying around me for years.

admitting it to a person i trust deeply with my wrongdoings was a natural step for me. i let someone else see all that darkness. it is quite miraculous to comprehend it was possible.

every day further from the illusions.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-14

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by far the most difficult, painful and rewarding step i have taken.

listing all my angers, fears, resentments, and in the end, all hurtful actions i have caused has removed (almost) all illusion i had of myself. seeing that i am far from perfect, with many delusional beliefs of myself and others, the lack of responsibility i took for my life and the blame i put the other. and total lack of healthy boundaries.

i am no longer a victim. of my childhood, failed intimate relationships or friendships, everyday mishaps, employees, colleagues, teachers, anything.

only i am responsible for my own happiness, and my feelings and their expressions is the only thing i can and should influence. i've lost all anger, fear, resentment. but i also feel no guilt, blame, shame.
i've stepped out of the extremes of being "super awesome" and "piece of shit".

i just am. just like everyone else.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-11

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so tired of the "you have to (fill in the rest)".

no. i don't have to do anything.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-29

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we are born hearing the concept of God - the ideological, biblical, religious persona, mirroring himself in various cultures all over the world, his image exploited violently and his name used in vain. no wonder so many people refuse believing in his existence.

i struggled with God's existence. raised in a christian family, religion was a part of my upbringing i so desperately tried to shake off in my early 20ties.

turns out God can be anything i believe he is. as long as i believe that there is power stronger and higher than me - power that moves forces in this world, that shows in the amazing humanity, nature, music. that makes wonders happen. God that does not have to follow any scripture or rules.

my God has saved me. i have entrusted my whole life in His hands. i no longer try to control anything, He is the Director of my life. the moment i let go of my worries and truly put my worries in his hands, i felt how faith works.

and it is my utmost duty to take care of myself and be good to...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-18

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