moments to share, moments to care

i have never considered myself an ambitious person career wise, but lately i'm doubting my own beliefs. high responsibility without the knowledge behind it causes an imposter syndrome along with anxiety of not being good enough.

after the evaluation where my boss casually dropped that i should strive for the cio position sometime in the future, i've been panicking. not that it is realistically anywhere on the horizon. my mind/ego/mother's voice created lists of things i am short of, and a plan on how and when to achieve that.
my own little vulnerable self just wants to get under the covers and pretend nothing is going on around me.

ambition is my worst enemy. paired with perfectionism, control and the already high standards i set for myself, it inevidably leads to burnout.

that is not a life i want, nor can afford.

what i want is simplicity. balance of being able to work out, sleep well, eat healthy and work responsibly. i don't have to be the best, but i want to enjoy the journey of life, day...

dear friends,

tonight i feel euphoric.
so much of the past 4 years, 9 months and 12 days (but who's counting) has been leading me upwards one day at a time.
today i have my dream job - a place where i can grow and learn, a place with amazing colelagues, a place where i'm sober and being honest, focused and kind.
my life is drama free. i have a safe space. i only have one job and plenty of time to focus on my health and hobbies.
i have health and wonderful cuddly cat. i have dreams and plans. books that lift me up and motivate to learn even more.

i have a family.
i have a fulfilled life.

and i wouldn't have any of it, if i wasn't sober.
sobriety is everything.

dear bloggis.se team. i apologise in advance for keeping using your cloud resources.
i'm addicted to reflection via writing. and despite trying other blog platforms and paper, i've come back, taking the risk the platform might no longer be here tomorrow.

so. reflection on the next steps in career.
- better understanding of customer/vendor relationship with internal stakeholders. hear their needs, and present more evidence on my suggestions for future roadmaps.
- adapt my negotiation style more to theirs. in my case that means - slowing down - they prefer thorough and well informed decisions over speed; - more formality; - less emotion; - less direct, as i tend to be too transparent; - selling my teams more on the job they have done.

- many of my "popcorn" ideas (and there are so many of them) get the same level of priority and urgency (meaning: high). it should not be so. with the workload being on the heavy side, i rarely had a time to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, which is...

today was sort of an unexpected turning point for me.
i had the annual performance evaluation. even though i've done a lot of good the past year, i was anxious.

however, it turned out to be something eye-opening.
i was already aware of my stronger suits - never missing a deadline, having a tenacity to finish whatever i start, having a high ability to learn and process information, making decisions and setting high standards for myself.

i was also aware of a flaw in my communication skills. i have always been naturally opposed to the concept of "sales". it had a negative connotation of a Ponzi schemes, abuse of gullible people and a mix of arrogance, selfishness and dirty business.
however, sales per se is a valuable skill, and necessary in my field. it is the ability to listen to your customer/stakeholders needs, presenting yourself/product, sense of value, sense of maturity, knowing your audience. of course, charm doesn't hurt. but is not essential. and sales doesn't have to be dishonest and...

coming up to 5 years sober is actually exciting.
5 years ago i didn't think it was possible and a month sober seemed like an eternity.
now things have a different perspective, and it is a lifestyle that still gives me a shot at life every day.

about first 3 years i was eyeballs deep into the program. going to meetings daily, reading, writing, doing service and really working hard on past traumas and toxic behaviors.
it wasn't the best idea to try to combine that with the insane urge of finally living - working hard, working out, getting back to my hobbies and overall living a sense of needing to get back the time lost drinking.

eventually things have become more balanced and sobriety - more stable.
working in only one job instead of two, working out at home instead of running half marathons, it's gotten from extremes to a sustainable ease.

i'm glad that my life before sobriety was a living hell, and i have no desire to return there.
and despite having at times felt that i lost time...

i feel a need to write. one of those times when i feel things, and i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.

had a great day/evening with friends, working out, followed by pizza and movies. and dancing. and it was great, easy, free, no negativity or gossip. just pure greatness. fulfilment.

the rest of stuff, not sure what's happening.
i used to be very determined and confident. i got anything i set my mind to (not necessarily could i keep it though). aside from my long lasting sobriety, it doesn't feel like i can commit to changes. several failures to "break" myself into different habits has not succeeded.

i am finally off my meds though, which is a victory. to reach that level of health not to need them. but i wish i treated my body better, like i once used to, before my drinking career took off.

and i'm also tired from my weirdly successful career. i'm not sure how i got here, and i like my job. but covid isolation, working from home for 2.5 years, less interaction with people, living mostly...

4 years of consecutive sobriety, without a single sip or drink.
it blows my mind, this newfound life where i don't crave a drink and don't need it to feel confidence, serenity and happiness.

eternally grateful to my sponsor and groups.
eternally grateful to God.

often when i meet new people i get as excited as a dog when he is about to be taken for a walk. a person! a new potential friendship! omg, this person has these amazing traits! they have done these amazing things! and i can't wait to make some space in my life, and i'm ready to let go some of my suspicions or just general sense of reality that i might not really either truly like them or have some extra space to give them.
if there is no extra space, sometimes i'm ready to do some inventory and toss out things that have over time proven to be worthy and pleasant in my life, because --- a person!!

most of the people however end in this lukewarm position where they fit into some of the vague categories - an acquaintance, a colleague, an aa person, and as i've made space, often it comes at a cost of me feeling as a victim for having sacrificed something in my life.

this enthusiasm about people no longer serves me, and not because they might not like me.
it is because this pattern of having these high...