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moments to share, moments to care

so while i'm still at my conscience, laughed at, yelled, at, ridiculed and humiliated, this is the time when authors get there best ideas, right?

i've had an on/off relationship with a man who was married as i started dating him. i was basically asking for the shit to happen to me. in my life i cheated, lied, manipulated, and life takes its toll (hopefully that means that trump and lembergs will have their share to pay), so this is me paying for everything i did wrong.

i am a shit person. useless to the world. deeply depressed. waking up just hoping for the day to be over again. i have been in this state since the day i found out my fiancee was cheating on my on a thursday, a few days after we had gotten back from a skiing trip to georgia.

dont blame him, it is my life and my choice. i was a shit person to him, i was mean, rude, sarcastic, ironic, revengeful, once i even stalked him and hit him in the face, that's how much the cheating hurt and that's how long i couldn't get over him.

my...

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-28

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i was a shit person anyway.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-28

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1 proposal (a joke, of course)
2 break ups.
within a month.

and he wonders why i feel like a useless garbage tossed around.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-28

Visa hela (1 kommentar)

i'm too old to be irresponsible.

with words. with actions. with anything.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-22

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oh why can't you be
happy with me?

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-15

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there is love that is the "hard love" - it teaches us lessons about who we are and how we need or want to be loved.

i had that an i've learned more about myself in the past years than i have in what seems a lifetime. there are many lessons i will take on in the future and many things to change about myself in the time to come.

1) cut the male friends. i grew up as a tomboy, the lack of boobs and girlfriends made me the perfect football partner in the yard until the age of 14. i've always felt comfortable around boys, but i never noticed hot hurtful it can be to my partner. i still want to have intelligent and fun conversations, without the charmed smiles, flirty remarks and being inappropriately close. that's just immature. i will never hurt my significant other with this.

2) building confidence. i've been relying on other people's opinion of who i am and spending way too little time on my own with my own interests and hobbies. sometimes it seems i've done things only to impress others and keep...

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-24

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who am i?

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-11

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moving from one romance to the next in the past has eliminated the factor of having a real break up. time which is used to reflect on one's actions, decisions and situations. just new distractions and the same pattern goes on and on, since there has been no analysis of ones mistakes.

now i have the time to reflect not on one, but on all of the break ups i've had over years, including the ones implying losing friends, and man, they have piled up. they make me remember of really great people i've had in my life and have neglected for one or another reason.

i still don't understand what have i done to have deserved so many amazing people in my life. i don't feel worthy of all the care, attention and time they have invested in being around me. i never have, and subconsciously i've driven them away from me, knowing that nothing that good can last.

at the same time it feels like everything i touch turns to dust, and the harsh story of my life is, that the people from my past still care for me but...

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-06

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