moments to share, moments to care
another brick in the wall
slowly but surely i've started my soulsearching and putting my life together. this time of singleness will probably be one of the most valuable and fruitful times for me as a personality, mutually beneficial for everyone getting involved in my social circle.
first off - boundaries. have been really loose with them which has expressed in two ways:
1. i have been keeping around people that i am not really into so much just for ego feed which has been a bit pathetic and sort of cruel. cutting those ties right now.
2. i have been desperate to have a relationship with people that aren't that into me - like my step mother and step sister. the necessity to belong to a family has been so strong that i have accidentally ignored the people that have actually made me feel like a family without the formal title. i have ignored the ones that have been there for me in time of need (and let's be honest, i can be very needy).
second off - getting myself into difficult situations, thus becoming a victim that needs saving. also connected to a necessity for self-destruction and believing there is little or no value for my life. also connected to a low self-esteem. but lately this has improved, leading to -
third - ego. have had huge cravings for attention and foremost approval/appreciation. to the level that it is not healthy. i have no idea how to change that, but i am hoping that setting stronger boundaries and increasing self esteem might really help.
third - i have decided not to have children. it doesn't mean that i want to live my life alone or that i am now become a business shark, ready to kill to reach her goals, it means that i can see that having children would imply causing the same mistakes my parents did, and i do not want this to go on. there is a long way to go for me to become even quasi emotionally stable. for the self-centered person that i am, not having children might be one of the most selfless decisions i have ever decided to make.
all and all, since i have my own apartment, the safety and haven it grants has very much improved my self confidence. living there grants the desired lifestyle so the mental journey ahead seems very doable, not just an illusion.
Skrivet av arlona, 2014-09-12 10:17