moments to share, moments to care
ers in the wind
a newly made friend suggested to write down the cognition and verities obtained throughout the trip.
probably i should have devoted some of the precious travelling time noting some memories and feelings before they dwindle into oblivion, but as the old saying goes: time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.
without any particular order, i'll start with
suddenly i was the adult who did the dishes, not the teenager who puts them in the sink trying to sneak out of it, telling the conscience "it's not my problem". i was the cool kid who paid her round of drinks and her part of the trip, not the pretty girl accepting the "naw, you don't have to" because it's cheaper that way.
my self confidence used to be pathetically low, and sometimes i've done ridiculous shit to boost my ego and because i'm too weak to say no. instead, flirting was perceived as a compliment without reacting on it - extremes, such as sleeping with someone or vice versa "what an asshole trying to get in my pants", i chose the middle road, and it happened so naturally without having to think about it. expressions, gestures, hurt egos (of course there were some after i said no :D ) - none of that hurt or offend me. it was more curious and interesting to observe.
pushing what i want - when it's relevant - and keeping my mouth shut - when it's not
asking to go in front of the line when i'm about to miss my bus, being honest about dislikes with neutrality, as well as listening more than speaking, finally putting other needs first or at least respecting them when i chose to be around people, and enjoying fulfillment of my egoistic wishes - when i was on my own.
the best people are not the ones who show the most interest in you. the best were the ones who were minding their own fucking business. unfortunately, i also realized that i have often been the extremes of the previously mentioned one - suffocating with attention when interested, not giving a shit - when not. so a few steps back, a deep breath, listening to other people as well as finding my own space.
got it back. that's no news. but that's just a happy happy fact. i was happy not having any worries in almost 2 months. and the truth is, for me - the heartache is the only true problem. everything else is just a meaningless obstacle to overcome. where as heartache can paralyze, suffocate, kill, take over one's heart, mind, soul, reality and life. heartache is the one thing i haven't felt in a while and hope to avoid it in the future, at least for a while.
life. still drunk of life. just a little sleepy.
Skrivet av arlona, 2016-02-02 19:10