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moments to share, moments to care

fight or flight

many years (as far as i can remember) i have been living in fear. the first 15 years this fear was rational, casued by the behavior of my own family.

i’m not 15 anymore, but fear became a pattern of behavior. fear of loosing someone expressed itself either as an attack (mean comments, sarcastic jokes, pretense of dislike, etc.) or as running away (who wants to stay on a sinking ship).

it seemed like this can be avoided only in one way – by controlling the situation. when in a relationship, i had to stay in control at all times. i couldn’t allow things to become too good, since that would mean letting go, forgetting about everything, enjoying, and miss that something bad is happening meanwhile.

if i would screw up with an overly big dose of control, i could compose myself quickly and take a few steps back to fix the situation and let the person breathe a little.

 

i have felt safe in a relationship twice – the first time when I had 100% control over the guy (and i hated it), the second time when I was with someone that was a very strong character whom i relied on with my life, but didn’t love enough to fear to lose him.

 

What I have achieved with my fear is scaring the other person just as much. Imagine taking a walk with someone in the wood. The weather is nice, it’s sunny and warm, and suddenly the other person jumps around, looking suspiciously around. From your point of view there is nothing to fear, so at first you write it off on the person being  coo-coo. But after a while, you start becoming afraid as well – your friend can seem very convincing that there actually is something to fear. In the end what should have been a nice walk in the park, has turned out to be a fight against the invisible demons living in the paranoid’s head.

 

now, it is always easier to shift the responsibility to someone else’s shoulders than man up and own it. its easier to demand from the stronger person to know how to “handle” a situation or a person, instead of taking charge of one’s actions and avoiding  such  situations to begin with.

 

i must let go of fear and control. i don’t want to be that person who is living in fear. i must understand, that i cannot control anyone elses actions, thoughts or feelings, neither can i control situations, the only thing i can control is my own response to actual events. i cannot prevent a person from leaving me. i cannot prevent a person from hurting me. but I can stand on a firm ground and act, when something actually happens.

 

i am honestly tired of myself and this uncontrollable necessity or analyzing every situation in order to control and prevent. i have destroyed countless breath taking moments in fear of losing control. sometimes life really has been too good to be true. i have also managed to scare to death the person i love most and who has been patient with me, trying to understand what imaginary demons am i seeing.

 

it is time i let go of fear. enjoy life and those breathless moments to come.

 

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-11 08:38

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