moments to share, moments to care
resentment is the degree to which we allow someone else to trespass our own boundaries.
it hurts when we let someone into the home of our heart, and instead of appreciating this luxury, they wreck everything on their way. at first you can just walk behind them, cleaning up the mess, kindly asking to be more gentle. but at one point enough is enough - you show them the door and smash it loudly behind them. or smash their face. and then the pain comes. how could we have been such fools, to let someone in? how could we let it go on for so long and take it?
i have been really bad at dealing with resentment. there was a person who walked into my life and wrecked all of it, because i let him.
i loved and still love him very much, and apparently he loved me in return, since after i smashed the door behind him, he kept standing on the porch.
eventually i let him in again, but with huge suspicion and mistrust. as soon as a flower was misplaced, i got panic attacks of what might follow.
i was hoping my love would erase the memories and overcome resentment, which i tried to hide and suppress. but the more i tried to ignore it, the uglier it came out, and it changed me. it made me as ugly as my actions. it got worse over time, and slowly i turned into a monster who's actions were lead by this suppressed anger and rage, blindly violent thirst of revenge. mixed with love, giving deep moral hangovers and destroying my dignity with every outburst.
when i decided to seek help, i had already managed not only to wreck the other person's heart home, i had burnt it to the ground.
i hope he will heal. he is a loving, warm, and generous person. but chronic pain can turn any beautiful person into a monster.
there are no excuses for what i did. there are no expectations. if i could, i would help him rebuild the home. i would wait on the porch.
if there was still a door to knock on.
Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-21 14:44