moments to share, moments to care
circle of trans
for quite a while now i've been gradually changing into a worse and worse version of myself.
i used to be an independent woman who never allowed herself depending on anyone. doing all by myself. i became one of the neediest people on the planet.
i was positive and naive, believed in the best in people, deeply knowing that no man is bad per se, just acting out because he is being unhappy, but then i became suspicious and cynical of everyone, making assumptions and disbelieving even when proven wrong.
i was positive, always appreciating the amazing things in life, grateful and proud of my friends, thinking everything is perfect and nothing is unsolvable. i was thankful to God and did not understand, what have i possibly done to deserve this happiness. then i started complaining. hating my life. hating myself. and it never stopped.
i used to take great care of myself, my body, mind, ambitions, set goals and achieve them without a doubt. i had self discipline and principles i never overstepped. i was strong. then i got sloppy, slowly destroying myself with substances, bad habits and pathetic behavior, no self control emotionally or physically. and i didn't know when to stop.
i was brave. i became cowardly, fearful and paranoial. i was loving, i became aggressive.
there are only two things i kept. sense of humor (probably wishful thinking) and honesty (to others, not so much to myself).
what i used to be seems a faint and sentimental memory aside from a few joyful moments with friends who surprisingly still talk to me and make me remember of the good old times without even noticing or trying. there are days when it seems i have destroyed myself too deeply to ever fix it. but that sounds like just another self pitying thought i've had for months now.
so i'll start with the assets i've still got left.
i want to be that person again.
Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-03 22:30