moments to share, moments to care
the first break up
moving from one romance to the next in the past has eliminated the factor of having a real break up. time which is used to reflect on one's actions, decisions and situations. just new distractions and the same pattern goes on and on, since there has been no analysis of ones mistakes.
now i have the time to reflect not on one, but on all of the break ups i've had over years, including the ones implying losing friends, and man, they have piled up. they make me remember of really great people i've had in my life and have neglected for one or another reason.
i still don't understand what have i done to have deserved so many amazing people in my life. i don't feel worthy of all the care, attention and time they have invested in being around me. i never have, and subconsciously i've driven them away from me, knowing that nothing that good can last.
at the same time it feels like everything i touch turns to dust, and the harsh story of my life is, that the people from my past still care for me but choose to keep me at a safe distance.
i don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore. i don't want to talk someone into spending time with me or being around me.
self pity? yes. definitely. self destruction? maybe, seems so. i've never been the one to give much value to my life and existence anyway. just living the moment and see where that takes me. being surprised about anyone who wants to participate in it.
as a good christian, i have always taken into account the one commandment and treated everyone according to it: love thy neighbor as thyself.
the only question is: why don't i love myself?
Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-06 13:10