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moments to share, moments to care

the honest confession of an immature girl

there is love that is the "hard love" - it teaches us lessons about who we are and how we need or want to be loved.

i had that an i've learned more about myself in the past years than i have in what seems a lifetime. there are many lessons i will take on in the future and many things to change about myself in the time to come.

1) cut the male friends. i grew up as a tomboy, the lack of boobs and girlfriends made me the perfect football partner in the yard until the age of 14. i've always felt comfortable around boys, but i never noticed hot hurtful it can be to my partner. i still want to have intelligent and fun conversations, without the charmed smiles, flirty remarks and being inappropriately close. that's just immature. i will never hurt my significant other with this.

2) building confidence. i've been relying on other people's opinion of who i am and spending way too little time on my own with my own interests and hobbies. sometimes it seems i've done things only to impress others and keep the illusion of who i am but that is only somewhat true, sincei actually do all those things i claim i do, but it has been a hectic time and i'm still perplexed of what's what. so the next month's will be spent to find myself, develop my hobbies and interests.

3) being myself. i honestly don't understand why anyone ever wants to spend time with me, so i've often tried manipulating people into doing that by creating an illusion. i've also manipulated boys into being with me by playing what could be their "perfect girlfriend" in fear no one could ever love me for who i am (and feeling miserable the whole relationship, since it feels like i've forced someone to be around me). i'm done with that. from now on, i will never make the first move, i am letting everyone go, and will only spend time with the people who ask me. if they choose to ask me out (girls or boys) - i'll know they truly want it, no strings attached. i might die alone (but calm), but it's better than living in fear.

4) loving myself. i still feel like my life has no value. i don't know how to change this. all i can do is to try to make the best of the moments God has given me and be good to people around me.

with hard work, supportive friends, music, gym, travelling and time (foremost), i will make the mature changes in the personality. it's either this or keep living in the illusions. and i'm done with those. there's nothing to lose.

i've lost all ego.
and i have no confidence.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-24 00:40


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