moments to share, moments to care
lesson of life?
so while i'm still at my conscience, laughed at, yelled, at, ridiculed and humiliated, this is the time when authors get there best ideas, right?
i've had an on/off relationship with a man who was married as i started dating him. i was basically asking for the shit to happen to me. in my life i cheated, lied, manipulated, and life takes its toll (hopefully that means that trump and lembergs will have their share to pay), so this is me paying for everything i did wrong.
i am a shit person. useless to the world. deeply depressed. waking up just hoping for the day to be over again. i have been in this state since the day i found out my fiancee was cheating on me on a thursday, two years ago, a few days after we had gotten back from a skiing trip to georgia.
dont blame him, it is my life and my choice. i was a shit person to him, i was mean, rude, sarcastic, ironic, revengeful, once i even stalked him and hit him in the face, that's how much the cheating hurt and that's how long i couldn't get over him.
my depression is only due to my own demons, i have not been able to forgive myself acting out, being weak, being mean, being everything i once thought i was. i have not been good enough for him, and that has become my measurement for my life. what i mean to him. what i am in his eyes. even though sometimes without him, i have felt amazing, epic, loved, cared for, it has all dwindled into oblivion, it has meant nothing, when i recall, that in his eyes i am just a depressed, pathetic peace of shit that has to be dumped.
there is no way of fixing this, and there is no way of me moving on. i have no more power. i don't have time. i don't have the wish or energy to fix it. nor do i want to ask for anyone else's help. i've taken enough of everyone's time to complain. enough with it. i do not wish to live any longer. every day is a torture that is either nourished with his love and belief or destroyed with his doubts and anger. i have become a nothing.
there is nothing that justifies my living. i am very sorry i did not manage my books. i am also sorry i did not manage my translation (but i didnt sign the papers yet).
other than those two things it is just existing. and i am pathetic at that.
Skrivet av arlona, 2017-03-28 14:30