moments to share, moments to care
years and years i've sailed through life chosing different roles depending on the occasion.
floated through various relationships, playing the dream girl , depending on the partner. Tech girl, metal girl, musical girl, business shark, sexy bunny, gym freak, intellectual, political activist... i learn fast and saw that as an opportunity to explore my horizons and learn something during the short time i surely knew would pass soon. and as long as they weren't opposing my basic values to the bone, it was fine.
the victories seemed always surprising and ego-feeding (what a great actress i am and so impressed by the speed of learning), lead by a general sense of insecurity (i knew it wasn't me. if that person saw me, he would turn away. over the time i wasn't even sure who i was).
this year was the first time, thanks to therapy and the brutal, necessary breakup, i faced myself in the mirror. tossed out all belongings who represented a trophy more than my true self. everything, that i kept for "small talk" and impressions - gone. i only left the things i truly cared for.
being myself was freeing and let me focus on things i actually liked and cared for.
it was also hard - i had to face the actual flaws - the disease, not the symptoms originating from the dissatisfaction of my imaginary life - and deal with it.
my ability to learn fast makes me hope for a rapid recovery. i'm a firm believer that the sooner you face your flaws, the sooner one can "fix" them.
being "real" is amazing, nevertheless. as well as being with someone who never got to see the fake me (around him those were the little vacations i took from the exhaustion it took to pretend to be someone). then again, it is also more vulnerable, since there are no imaginary flaws to write everything off to.
and that is even more scary.
and even more worth it.
Skrivet av arlona, 2017-10-03 19:43