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moments to share, moments to care

why 2018 has been the best year so far

although this year started off weirdly and continued with some insanity as a stinky burp from the previous year, what followed has been life changing.

- i got help. i met someone who helped me realize i'm an alcoholic. i got treatment, help and support, and i am sober. i'm attending aa meetings, where i discovered the most wonderful, honest and greatest people i've met in a long time.

- i also realized i am a person who comes from a dysfunctional family. my life is often lead by fear, manipulations, seeking excitement and dangerous situations. i fear angry people, live in guilt, am way too critical of myself and others, seek for approval and live life from the victim's point on view. therapy never helped and never would help - since i kept seeking the parents whose love i missed so much - therefore a therapist would only fill the role of my imaginary caring parent. but i found help for that as well.

- i admitted i have bulimia mixing with other eating disorder. i got help for that.

- finally i admitted my main addiction, every other addiction and dysfunction has originated from is emotional addiction and fear of abandonment. in a relationship:
- it is never enough of the person i'm with
- i lose myself and adapt to the other person
- i experience fear to lose the other person (thus myself)
- low self confidence
- wish to control and own the other person

and deeply understanding this is an addiction, not true love, i provoke the person in every way to leave me, hating myself for the addiction - until the fear of abandonment kicks in.

being and alcoholic is the best thing that happened to me, it forced me to be honest to myself, forced me to get help and deal with my issues by myself instead of hoping that my potential or existing partner will solve them for me. this is a time of blessing, a time of emotional intervention, a time for learning to love myself, forgive myself, be there for myself and be a very caring, loving parent to myself.

a parent that will never leave.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-01 02:14


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