moments to share, moments to care
my life is living my mother's dream, fulfilling her goals in order to be loved.
i didn't want the bachelor's, didn't strive for the master's. didn't strive for the property. didn't strive for any of it.
but this necessity to please her fantasy of me (which was never good enough) kept spreading. i started pleasing other people - my partners at the time, society. and hating them for having to do so although no one ever required anything from me. aside from my mother.
now i live m own life. make my own choices. and there is a lot to choose from.
this is a magical time. to understand what i truly want, who i am, who i want to be.
i'm not rushing to let go everything i have, first i want to understand what things i truly like and what are in my life as a projection of the dysfunctional childhood.
i am also so blessed with my man who is there for me.
for the first time, i'm not expecting anything from my partner, not waiting for him to "save me" or tell me what to do. i'm not threatened by his past, and anxieties, when such arise, are managable to work through before they get out of hand. i still get my tantrums sometimes, but i have them on my own - seeing so clearly the "parent" in me yelling at the "child" in me in disappointment, despair and anger. but this never goes out to anyone else, least to my man.
for the first time i have healthy boundaries, trust, respect, honesty towards myself and him.
and there is no theater.
i have started loving myself, which is resulting in me trying to understand my own needs and cater to them, before throwing my life away in order to please someone else.
there is still a long way to go.
but it's the right way.
Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-07 21:42