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moments to share, moments to care

step #9 - amends

Taggar: steps

the well founded steps were working in the right order. the strong understanding of boundaries and uncontrollable things, leaving life up to Higher Power, moral inventory and a real, clear picture of oneself and life ahead made a logical continuance to relations with others.

some apologies i've made and some are still to come, but i wanted to share the strongest experience i've had and believe nothing will trump it.

my mother.

the last months have helped me stop denying and hating the part of me that is like her, but accept and handle it, feel compassion towards those characteristics. time has also helped me build boundaries. understanding we cannot influence how others react, what they say. and accept my shortcomings and truthfully want to recover.

i wasn't nervous about meeting her. the feeling i could describe it best was silence - there was silence inside of me. everything happening was going through the new filter and often it took time to understand how i actually feel about anything since overreaction, pseudo reaction and urge of reacting was no longer an option.

she was devastated to hear i'm an alcoholic. she blamed my man, which i wasn't angry about since understandably she needed someone to blame. i didn't get annoyed of her focusing on my illness instead of my recovery and the long path i've walked. i was honest but not aggressive or self protective. her desperate and angry words didn't hurt me, yet i still felt respect, understanding and warmness towards her. i hadn't numbed myself towards her. yet i could clearly distinguish between things answer to and things to let slide.

there was one struggle - i assumed she wanted this fairy-tale mother-daughter relationship, and deep inside i knew i couldn't give her one. she wasn't going to be my shoulder to cry on and best friend. so bewildered of the relationship i could offer her, i lay my doubts to the Higher Power, hoping for guidance.

and then it happened - she suddenly said - "you have always been a very reserved person, ever since you were born. you never wanted to play with other kids or get involved with activities, always sitting aside. i struggled trying to make a connection with you, but you never wanted to sit on my lap or for me to braid your hair." that simple. there was my answer.

i simply was an introvert who hated small talk and got even more secluded when someone tried to force a personal connection on me. i loved being on my own and only got involved if the rules were clear or if i felt safe. but i had grown up thinking there was something wrong with me. why wasn't i social? why didn't i have many friends? why don't i have close relationship to my mother? mother's frustration and desperation over the years was more than understandable, she just wanted to be close to her baby girl - who in return closed up even more, blaming everyone for her own shortcomings. and found a delusional answer in alcohol that made me chatty, social, theatrical, and desperately forcing or manipulating connections, robbing myself even more.
there was nothing wrong with me. i had always been an introvert and suddenly it was ok to be one. the frustration of trying to be like everyone else (and failing) and trying to fix something that wasn't broken in the first place was gone. at last, i could be who i was.

and there it was - i still felt respect, honesty, strength, kindness towards her - and could tell her that understanding the pain inflicted in its full volume, i still couldn't change who i was. i was an introvert person and that wasn't going to change. i would always answer any reasonable question she had and even talk, as long as it didn't overstep healthy boundaries or my values. i wasn't going to let my honest remorse transition into guilt and become a slave of my past. it might not be what she wants, but boundaries remind us that we can only be accountable for our own wishes and actions.

i had promised myself and her to be honest.
and kept my word.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-07-23 23:33

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