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Inner child

Mildly schizophrenic, but time and working has shown there is both an inner child and a parent in me. The child had been suppressed and stuck in development, throwing tantrums and breaking everything once it got out, covered by the critical and controlling parent hiding behind self righteousness and fear.
It was difficult to release the child and be less critical and more loving parent. In the beginning the child acted out as an elefant in a china store, it was scary to let that happen just like that, without waiting when outside situations or people would "push" me towards it. But this time the parent acted differently, drawing healthy boundaries and letting the child tire himself from the tantrums.

The parent became more and more loving, the child became calmer and calmer. The more child realised that being sad, angry, tired, disappointed, making mistakes was ok, that he wasn't going to be punished by the critical parent, the greater harmony developed between the child and the parent.

The practical aspect of this - the parent starting taking care of both herself and the child. If in the past I had the compulsion to give a lot and expect, no, demand the same and more in return, then now I started giving myself what I expected from others. I allowed myself to be tired, to cancel, to say no, to cry, to skip without punishment (and becoming more understanding of my own needs, I didn't mind others around me take their time either). I didn't have to be perfect. I started taking a greater care of myself, physically and mentally. Instead of entertaining and pampering others, I now entertain and pamper myself. Being who I am becomes less and less scary by every day. The child is growing and learning to be selfish in a healthy way. The child has stopped engaging in dangerous situations in order to get attention - her needs are met and she has plenty of loving attention. The child has stopped comparing herself to others, she feels special and unique to the parent.

The child still throws tantrums once in a while. But the loving parent understands that it is a lot to take in for much a short time. The parent no longer demands perfection. The parent strives for progress. And so does the child.

Today I am grateful for the calm child and the loving parent in me.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-02 02:25


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