moments to share, moments to care
Applying all the obtained knowledge in reality is not always easy. Sometimes it feels like I've learned to play the basic scales but being in intense situations feels like a forced Beethoven's symphony in front of a million people. Going through the basic scales again and again helps. Meetings help. Listening to others help.
Now, feeling confident in sobriety, I wanted to apply the same principles to my eating disorder as with alcohol. Admit powerlessness and let God, as I understand him, take over. Struggles, struggles, although at one point 17 days of "food sobriety" were achieved. Thinking of myself as a tool in God's hands obliged me to take care of myself.
So a month ago I was diagnosed anorexia. The doctor must be incompetent! - Was the first thought - I was having bulimic struggles every day.
But today it hit me. With the inner child growing and revisiting childhood without resentment and through a new filter, I was still anorexic. The teenage pattern was there, black on white.
I was never afraid of calories per se. Chugging down 5 sugary coffees with whip cream, several liters of coca cola in the beginning of sobriety and suckling on tons of hard candy created no paranoia, paralysis, fear, regret or shame. Even back in the drinking days the calorie amount of booze must have sky rocketed but was never a problem. However, when it came to actual food - even plain salad leaves, fear came over before the first bite. Food rarely stayed down. My rational mind was forcing me to eat - you idiot, chew and swallow - or you'll die! - but the sickness was still denying me food, just like in the teenage years.
This realization, however seemingly insignificant, is a game changer. Sticking to a wrong diagnosis would be like treating a broken ankle when it's the knee that hurts.
After losing weight, the stomach has become even smaller, and the feeling of satisfaction from food is a 100% of a purging trigger but this awareness is one huge step towards recovery. The psychologically sick thinking will take time to cure, but with God, as I understand him, everything is possible. Making a few daily dietary changes/patterns should at least improve the physical state while the mind is processing in the background.
Today I am grateful for all my illnesses and the person they have forced me to become.
Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-02 02:48