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moments to share, moments to care

step #10 - personal intervention

however far the road has taken, and a new life started, i must evaluate my actions and flaws on a continuous basis. not only too keep sobriety but also to live a higher quality life. each evening consists of evaluating situations to avoid waking up in emotional hangover.

when dealing with the past and resentments, i was once asked a very valuable question: how is it beneficial to you to keep it? - the natural response was - it's not! it's a pain in the ass, but i'm the victim here!
looking closer, the resentment was beneficial in one way or another. keeping resentment justified being rude towards the person in return (because he/she hurt me!), it justified keeping the victim's role (oh, me, poor thing), it justified keeping pride and "imaginary power card" that could be played at any time. as much as thinking of resentment as a painful thing, it was in the end, mind games of the ego. understanding this, really helped me let go of resentments.

unfortunately there are still so many unpleasant traits, and in order to deal with them, the key is patience and giving it a second. the first thought is not the right one. i have a million wrong first thoughts every day. "he's an idiot", "she's wrong", "i give up", "i'm not getting up today", "i should buy this thing", "mm, cold beer sounds fantastic". it is the second thought that matters to me: "i don't understand what he is saying, he should elaborate", "she sees it differently", "come on, one more try", "i already have so much unnecessary shit", "no". the 2nd thought for me is the right one.

but comfort - that's a struggle. earlier in my life i tried avoiding comfort and didn't want to get used to it. maybe subconsciously i understood that my addictive behavior needs to be somewhat controlled and can make anything an addiction once getting the hands on - whether it be booze, smokes, clothes, people, lifestyle. then somehow i lost it and craved more and more of everything, the black hungry hole kept spreading wider. simply put, to keep my sobriety my lifestyle needs to be as simple as possible. no, i'm not a monk and will not feed off grass and water and sleep under clear skies. but keeping myself in motion, movement, responsibilities is what keeps me going on and staying on balance. because my gluttony for comfort doesn't end on a cozy couch, as the disease it is, it spreads and consumes me, i need more and more of something and nothing is ever sufficient or good enough. or if it is, it is only good enough for a short while, then the next new thing appears on the horizon.

Today I ask God to help me keep my life simple and my temper contained.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-03 22:06


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