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moments to share, moments to care

today sucks

today sucks. not the events. not the people. nothing in particular. yet it sucks. everything sucks. i suck.

sometimes i am tired of the progress not being fast enough. tired what a sick person i am and how slowly the recovery is going.
once a friend said he was stuck in the interstage - he couldn't go back, but it was unclear where to move forward.

i cannot move back to the unhealthy behaviors. i've admitted the illnesses. i've been shown the tools. but sometimes i cannot move forward fast enough and i want to fuck it all and "get drunk" on the bad behaviors. control the shit out of someone and let the whole drama loose, but i physically can't. i can't manipulate someone, instead i want to start laughing about how ridiculous the idea seems. yeah yeah little hitler. i cant use my sexuality for favors, it is beneath me. i can't blame anyone because i know it's no ones fault. i want to complain, but it won't help. today i even tried, but i don't believe my own efforts. and i know the moral hangover that would follow if i gave in, and i simply do not want to feel even worse tomorrow than i do now today.

if i really want to do something about it, i can talk to the child in me and ask what she needs to be calm and happy.

the good thing is, i don't have to do anything. this day sucks. well, suck away.
if it sucks to the point i cannot take it, then it is my decision to end the day right now and go to sleep and end all suffering right this moment.

today i remind myself i cannot control anyone, including me. if I feel uncomfortable with what another person is doing or not doing, i can remind myself that i am powerless over this person and i am powerless over my compulsion to act in inappropriate ways.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-09 20:10


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