moments to share, moments to care
step #10 -
conti nuing perso nal inven tory
it is time to face the next addiction and illness: sugar and anorexia/bulimia. my ED and weight have become critically dangerous to health and survival so this cannot wait any longer. a human body doesn't need sugar for survival. it needs carbs, not sugar.
looking back, i never had a sweet tooth, this appeared only when i started drinking more often or tried to quit. but once again it sums up to all the other addictions and the behavior as such. anyhow, sugar must go.
after analyzing my finances for several months, i realized i spent around 500 eur per month for booze, cigarettes and "unnecessary food".
i am going back to a 5th grader's thinking - i have pocket money - how do i spend it? what do i really really want that is worth saving up for? do i really need this?
from strict self discipline i went to allowing myself anything - go inside a store and take what i want. what gluttony is this? how would i ever teach a child to be economical and rational about spending when i act as a kid who has gotten allowance and is running to the candy store. everything is so accessible - new tv, new clothes, new trips, everything - one barely ever saves up and even takes credit cards. we make money to pay for what? - our other addictions!
there are many people who can enjoy comfort without getting obsessed with it. i am not one of those people. i am an addict, meaning that once i get "into something", i cannot stop. it was around 4 years ago i started little by little giving up discipline and giving into small comfortable things - taking a car instead of biking, going to gym less and less, drinking and smoking more and more, getting emotionally drunk on negativity and addicted on all kinds of emotions. i had suspicions i am an alcoholic around 6-8 years ago, i guess that is when my mind was still sane enough to be able to diagnose myself and see the danger i'm about to be swallowed in if i gave in.
but oh well, no one is to blame. the illness is what it is and it acts out and consumes me if i do not treat it. getting into the addictive comfort is easy, getting out of it - that is a challenge and a struggle.
today i ask myself: what can i do today different from yesterday? how can i step out of useless, destructive, boring routine that is no good for me?
and most importantly: what is good for me today?
Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-14 13:50