moments to share, moments to care

With every day, I had started taking better care of myself. The two main priorities were a healthy body (eating and sports) and my job.

But relationships. For my whole life I had trouble understanding the meaning for it. Since my parents split early in my childhood, my idea of relationships consisted of TV and cosmopolitan images. My fantasy went wild and I tried to pretend to be the fantasy girl as well as expecting the fantasy relationship in return. It clashed against my true introvert nature and the need for personal space and self development. It also clashed against all sanity, logic and reality.
As mentioned in earlier entries, recently I had learned that there is both a child and a parent (critical or loving) in me and that I am in fact perfectly capable of taking care of myself and give myself all the pampering, care and love I expected from my fantasy partner. But if I was self sufficient, what was the point of relationship? Once again I had gotten to a dead end. To make matters worse it seemed that previously the perfect duo of my child and parent were making a great team as long as my partner wasn't around. Somehow as soon as there was someone else in the picture, I assigned the loving parent role to the other person, demanding, forcing love, care and attention which in reality I was perfectly capable to provide to my child by myself. I was also projecting my biological parent to my partner, always translating his reaction to my tantrums as punishment.

So what now?

Thanks to the Higher Power, my mentor had the answer. Just like I consist of a parent and child, so would the other person. Just like I want to achieve professional, intellectual, and other dreams while providing the care to myself in the form of a loving parent, so does he. We would not be addicted to each other, that would be utterly unhealthy. But then there are times when the children inside us want to play. That's when my playful child can forget the achievements, worries, plans, bills, diets and just relax with another child wanting to do the same. That also meant no more expectations, demands or forced fantasies. I could ask my partner out to do whatever my silly child wanted to do. In the end of the day it didn't matter how we spent time, as long as we were having healthy fun and enjoying ourselves.

Today I am loving the child in me and being a loving parent. Today I thank my Higher Power for a new understanding of myself. And then hope that this works in the long run.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-19 09:52