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moments to share, moments to care

step #12 - pay it forward

Taggar: steps

this blog has been my diary for the past 10 years, so if you've read it, you know more about me than the last 12 steps. however, when i see the number of people who have read (and still read) my posts but never leave a comment - i wonder - who are you people who read this blog in a God's forgotten corner of the internet?

i love bragging about my new life. i really do. but what feeds my ego is what destroys me. so truth shall set me free.
alcohol was so much fun. some of my brightest ideas were ignited by rum or wine, some of the funniest and most remarkable nights happened under influence. crazy adventures, some even dangerous, breath taking, intoxicating, ridiculous and unforgettable.

but i have only fucked up life really bad when under influence.
i blindly followed impulses, some of which very endangering ones.
i skipped responsibility when drunk.
i had no consideration of others, myself or consequences when drunk.
made the worst decisions.
made even worse decisions.

and i could not stop.
i started my tries to quit mid january. and it took me 4 months of denial, anger, fall-backs, tears, sweat (literally), desperation, disbelief, bargaining, mixed with hope, restless tries again and again to finally say "no" without looking back (and i still must remind me every day that my sobriety only comes one day at a time). i told myself i didn't have a problem (i did). i told myself i can handle it (i couldn't). i said i didn't need help (i did). i said i was not like them (i am, and it's awesome!). and the biggest lie - i said i can do this on my own (i couldn't).

my only options were to seek help or give in and die.
i was lucky i wasn't alone (although let's be honest, i wasn't a good listener and a humble follower of suggestions).

if you feel like you have a problem with drinking or your friend or family member is suffering, reach out - this is not an illness a person can deal with alone. this is also nothing one should be embarrassed about because nobody chooses to be an alcoholic.

i cannot cure anyone but i can gladly share my story in detail or answer any questions about my recovery to people who really need it. once upon a time this blog was sometimes read by some people that know me - if you still do - either i'm an amazing writer or you genuinely were interested in this journey. either way - thanks.

if you have any further questions feel free to scribble a line to: arlona.bloggis at gmail.com
you are not alone.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-31 14:24


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