moments to share, moments to care
endents in relat ionship
how about we take two great, kind, loving, caring people. people who start a relationship with each other out of love, and also feel like they take care of the other person (but do not notice the other person does the same thing). they are both selfless and make sacrifices just for the other person to be happy and fulfilled. they might even start the relationship by taking responsibility for the other person rather than focusing on their own life and issues. their own needs disappear (or come second) when their significant other is around. they stop taking care of themselves, give up their friends and hobbies, just to please the other person.
they give and they are understanding and they sacrifice and after a while they start hating the other person for being so helpless, so demanding, so needy, so unappreciative of the sacrifices made. they might turn into perpetrators - with passive aggressive or active aggressive behavior. with punishing silence. with anger. they get tired of giving and become angry, and they feel used and in a way victimized, even with resentment. systematically they give more than receive (or so they think) and then feel abused and feel that the significant other doesn't appreciate them.
they can start to lie and manipulate because being honest about their own needs makes them feel guilty and ashamed. they don't want to hurt the other person, but by trying to avoid the honest truth they hurt each other and themselves even more. they occasionally try to steal small moments for themselves, because they are tired of that is known to the world as Karpman's drama triangle - from selfless and generous Givers, they turn into resentful, abused Victims, further into hating and mean Perpetrators.
they are both really great people. but after a while this relationship brings no joy to either of them. they can get depressed because their needs aren't met. they don't recognize themselves. they think they are so responsible but they aren't - because they don't take any responsibility for their own happiness. "my life would be great if she...", "everything would be perfect if he.." - thinking that the other person is the source of the happiness and harmony is the first sign of codependency. it is not.
deep inside these both persons know the other person isn't "bad". they know the other person is full of great traits. knowing the other person is great, gives them a reason to continue. imagine those two selfless giving codependents trying to break up - they will make horrible things happen and rather destroy each other or themselves than say: i want to break up - and mean it.
they are not bad people.
they are great people.
but they chose not to put their own needs first.
it's not easy to find happiness within yourself.
but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.
Skrivet av arlona, 2018-09-09 14:54