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moments to share, moments to care

step #1 - coming out from denial

for many years i had been playing the victim.
but now, the first step would mean for me to admit i was powerless to the effects of family dysfunction, and i misunderstood it as stepping back to the role of a victim which i refused to do.
however the effects cannot be handled til i admit them.
a fine line between playing a victim (being helpless) and admitting the flaws (being powerless).
a fine line between using the situation as an excuse to pull bs and admitting the facts and dealing with them.

it was also difficult to admit i suffer from depression (and have for over 8 years at least). i see many happy people, dancing in their lives, and i want to jump along with them with both legs broken. i see other people with broken legs and look at them with disgust, since they remind me how broken i am myself. i want to point out their flaws so i don't have to deal with my own. i want to pretend, but the more i do, the more it hurts.

i wanted to be perfect fast. i was sober - why wasn't sobriety enough to be perfect and happy? why at times was i still angry for no reason? why was i still taking things too personally despite meditation? why was i afraid of strong females? why was i running away from conflicts and pouring my anger out to kinder people counting on them forgiving me? every time each of these things happened, i was beating myself up. i knew it was wrong. i kept blaming Higher Power for things i caused with my own denial and pretense. i kept hating myself. but hate doesn't heal or change past, present or future.

and the cycle begins again.
they say ACA is a lot more heart ripping than AA, but i can no longer pretend i'm just an alcoholic.
as much as i want to look the other way and say it's gonna be fine, the time has come to face the music and own it.

i am powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and my life has become unmanageable.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-10-24 00:04


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