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moments to share, moments to care

depression phase - and gratitude

the more i tried to fight it and pretend i'm fine, the worse it got.
i'm fully depressed. it doesn't mean what it used to 6 months ago. it doesn't mean angry at myself or the world, it doesn't mean crying out of desperation although i cry, it doesn't mean being a victim, being hurt, forcing myself or hating.
it means that for now i give up, i have no more power to pretend, to fight, to put up masks, to do smth others want me to. but neither do i have any power to do what i want either. the best i can do is let myself alone in a loving way. sleep. sleep some more. sleep while working. risk losing friendships due to sleeping, crying or avoiding places i don't want to be in.
as ironic as it is, this is actually one of the rare times i am being selfishly loving towards myself without it being on the cost of others. i'm ready to give up everyone and everything as long as i can rest as much as needed and do only what i want to do.

i am also very grateful to everyone who doesn't resent me, and what is even more important - doesn't pity me. i don't need pity. i need recovery. things that make my body, mind and soul feel good.

so many great people in my life.
and i do deserve them. all of them.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-11-08 23:38

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