moments to share, moments to care
coming up to 5 years sober is actually exciting.
5 years ago i didn't think it was possible and a month sober seemed like an eternity.
now things have a different perspective, and it is a lifestyle that still gives me a shot at life every day.
about first 3 years i was eyeballs deep into the program. going to meetings daily, reading, writing, doing service and really working hard on past traumas and toxic behaviors.
it wasn't the best idea to try to combine that with the insane urge of finally living - working hard, working out, getting back to my hobbies and overall living a sense of needing to get back the time lost drinking.
eventually things have become more balanced and sobriety - more stable.
working in only one job instead of two, working out at home instead of running half marathons, it's gotten from extremes to a sustainable ease.
i'm glad that my life before sobriety was a living hell, and i have no desire to return there.
and despite having at times felt that i lost time...
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i feel a need to write. one of those times when i feel things, and i'm not sure what it is i'm feeling.
had a great day/evening with friends, working out, followed by pizza and movies. and dancing. and it was great, easy, free, no negativity or gossip. just pure greatness. fulfilment.
the rest of stuff, not sure what's happening.
i used to be very determined and confident. i got anything i set my mind to (not necessarily could i keep it though). aside from my long lasting sobriety, it doesn't feel like i can commit to changes. several failures to "break" myself into different habits has not succeeded.
i am finally off my meds though, which is a victory. to reach that level of health not to need them. but i wish i treated my body better, like i once used to, before my drinking career took off.
and i'm also tired from my weirdly successful career. i'm not sure how i got here, and i like my job. but covid isolation, working from home for 2.5 years, less interaction with people, living mostly...
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4 years of consecutive sobriety, without a single sip or drink.
it blows my mind, this newfound life where i don't crave a drink and don't need it to feel confidence, serenity and happiness.
eternally grateful to my sponsor and groups.
eternally grateful to God.
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often when i meet new people i get as excited as a dog when he is about to be taken for a walk. a person! a new potential friendship! omg, this person has these amazing traits! they have done these amazing things! and i can't wait to make some space in my life, and i'm ready to let go some of my suspicions or just general sense of reality that i might not really either truly like them or have some extra space to give them.
if there is no extra space, sometimes i'm ready to do some inventory and toss out things that have over time proven to be worthy and pleasant in my life, because --- a person!!
most of the people however end in this lukewarm position where they fit into some of the vague categories - an acquaintance, a colleague, an aa person, and as i've made space, often it comes at a cost of me feeling as a victim for having sacrificed something in my life.
this enthusiasm about people no longer serves me, and not because they might not like me.
it is because this pattern of having these high...
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one of those 10 out of 10 days.
dropping an anchor or two the day before, today i felt free and having time for me and my thoughts.
i met with my new sponsee who looked so amazing. when i paid her compliments, she said "yeah, i didn't want to look like an alcoholic, so i thought better shape up." what a gal!
i love being around these young women. it feels like the spotlight is always on 20-somethings - what are they going to become, what should they do, who should they marry - and i am finally freed from this pressure and can go on acing my life my way without anyone looking.
however, this meeting brought two factors to life later on in therapy session.
first. i missed out on a healthy teenage period. chats with gals, buying clothes, testing make up. didn't have running water in my teens, lived in a village, didn't socialize. and bounced right into career and responsibilities. i missed out both on self care and socializing.
i guess that is one of the reasons why young women choose me as their...
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overly responsible
putting other needs first
irreplaceable
always available
never say "no"
putting my own needs last
perfectionist
this has to change. i can't put down the mess in my head in words.
what i am versus what i think i should be.
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it's that period where nothing is happening. things have been done and new things haven't started, and being inbetween is not a comfortable place for me. usually i try to fill this space with shopping, work, meetings, friends, but now it feels that this discomfort is not a bad thing.
recently i decided to start wearing a hijab, or well it's just a scarf, but many might see it that way. mainly because i want to be provocative and thus support many women out there who shouldn't be judged by their headware or what it might represent, forgetting that there is a person underneath. and also hoping that seeing that in the society more often will also make it something more usual to see.
i have been very lucky with the circumstances of my birth (century, location) that has provided me with many freedoms others cannot enjoy yet. i'm not thinking of wearing this forever for the rest of my life. but i like how empowering it feels - and also most likely because of having the choice of wearing or not wearing it....
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