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moments to share, moments to care

it is time to sharpen my knife. it is time to open a new page. it's time to embrace the insanity outbursts into creative formation instead of pretending to lead a normal, mediocre life.

it is time to bleed all over pages.

every person is a story.
all you have to do, is read it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-01-19

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so after having finished bergman and gone girl, here is my christmas present to myself:

i am admitting and embracing that to a certain extent i am a sociopath. i tend to think a lot wider, intuitive, observantly than others. i have an amazing capability of being good, and even greater to be mean, manipulative, selfish, and cover it all up with a naive smile.

when observing psychopaths in action, i can emphasize with them, understand the reasons, even feel admiration for their patience and handling. only psychopathic stories that seem troubling are the ones playing on my inner inability to admit the true self.

i am not a psychopath. i am in charge of my actions. and most of the time - of my thoughts. my behavior is a choice. i do not tend to gamble with lives - others rather than mine (since i can be quite reckless about myself)- just for the fun of it, just to roll the dice.

and i strive, strive, strive to fight the dark side and just be a good person. to do the right thing. this fight often...

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-23

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lose the expectations and illusions.

just let it go.

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-18

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translating bergman's biography turned out more difficult than initially expected.

despite my endless tries to establish a self-esteem and decent human relationshipa, i fail fail fail following the neverending pattern. my fear keeps getting the best/worst of me, my insecurities eat me alive, and i do my best to destroy what i have, in fear of losing it.

preventive methods used until now:

1. suppress it - failed. anything reppressed increases with time and blows up in my face in greater proportions, destroying anything dear around me, inclusing myself.

2. understand it - failed. been analyzing myself, blaming my parents, blaming myself, blaming the significant other, and still unable to let things go.

3. seek help - failed. only thing i learned is the fact that i have an unhealthy bond with my dad and deep incurable, and wait-for-it - UNDERSTANDABLE insecurities.

4. take a deep breath and some time off - failed. as soon as i get 3+ days off, my fears create an absolute unbreakable shield...

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-17

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imagine everything you know about relationship.

now wipe it clean.
you know nothing.

there are no relationships, no people no situations two of a kind.

just give in for the magical and amazing journey ahead of you.

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-03

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my friends can be considered humble. there is no one that i can think of as proud. at least not around me. therefore generally proud acts shock me just like rain in florida (yes, rain in florida shocks me): what the heck?! i can't believe my eyes! where's my umbrella?!

the proud person, as the observation goes, has a low-self esteem that he tries to lift by stepping onto others rather than working hard on his personality and self-respect. fight for a principle, a position, rather than seeking solutions.

a humble person, on the contrary, is not afraid to be vulnerable, lay out his pain and fear, hoping to be heard by his partner who would then, without jumping to conclusions and finger-pointing, reach out an understanding hand and try to find the most gentle, rational and mutually beneficial solution. both are interested to move on as smoothly as possible. terrifying self-exposure is a true sign of trust.

a proud person will put up a mask, take a stand, carefully hide his own insecurities and do his...

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-11-27

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i suck at giving second chances.
my heart says yes, but my chromosomes yell obscene things in my direction.

someone could cut the correct wire.

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-11-26

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friends are there
i don't care
but friends will care for you


Skrivet av arlona, 2014-11-24

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