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moments to share, moments to care

this summer i made a big mistake. so i thought. the mistake was showing the worst part of me. a freakout. for a long time i couldn't forgive myself for having shown it, thought it wasn't directed at anyone, my freak outs are still ugly.
i thought it was going to affect my future with no doubt.

i thought that because of my freak out, i had destroyed everything - and however hard i would try to deny it - unfortunately i do things like that.
it brings me four years back to a friend saying the same thing, documented neatly in another piece

but then it hit me.
thank god it happened sooner rather than later.
it would have been way worse living for a year and then having seen me like that.
i've always said- the sooner you get to see my dark sides, the sooner you can make up your mind either accepting me for the best and the worst, or just avoiding me. i'm not really up for small talks.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-18

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best one ever.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-17

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if anyone finds my ego, please give it back to me.

since ive lost it, it has been really difficult.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-11

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this has been one of the best days by far. i am so fully of energy. there is a huge difference between being unemployed and searching for a goal in life, and actually seeing a goal, feeling a use of my own life and having billions of ideas. my quite strict gym activities have brought results which have of course contributed to the confidence. but also, now since the priorities are in order, and now i can have some "me" time. maybe this sounds ridiculous, since there hasnt been anyone stopping me, but now i feel like im living for myself. there are so many things im doing now that i wouldnt think of doing before. not because anyone forbade me, but because i didnt feel like doing anything. yupp. unemployment. i knew stokholm was gonna be life changing experience. you go girl :)

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-08-28

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a great day indeed this one. the knowledge accumulated the day before, has soaked in me through a sleepless night, putting a more solid foundation for the future development.
full of faith. not so much the cute cuddly stuff. but good, fine stuff.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-08-27

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i'm back in sthm after a weekend home. funny how life never stops at one point and we get more and more challenges to face and situations to solve.
but unlike the beginning of the week, when i was scared of change and frustrated about whats right and wrong, now everything seems clear. i have been too caught up in my own ideas and thoughts, as well as making up illusions and believing in them. hoping and expecting too much comes down heavy to me in the form of disappointment, and sometimes i forget to keep some distance. but there is no one to blame. the only way is to write it down, sleep on it and wake up with more positive outlook on the world.

in the end, life is pretty awesome, aye? sometimes i forget how much i am capable on my own..

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-08-27

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stop living in internet/pc world. you get way too sucked into it. get out and live some real life instead.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-08-27

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this is the time when the people left behind are more and more idealized in my head. i'm feeling this sadness of being so far away, and not physically, but mentally.
i miss him so much that it feels neither mutual nor fair. i miss him so much i'm afraid to suffocate him with my texts. and even more, for the first time i'm feeling like this.

it feels safer wanting to pull away and wanting to numb this in a way possible. make it mean less for me, so i wouldn't have to feel like i'm the weak one.

i really hate the fear and sorrow. and the sad things i tend to make up in my mind.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-08-23

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