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moments to share, moments to care

i was sloppy with my last year's resolution, but not this year.

this year i have a plan.

1. quit my job.
this will take 2 more months, so i can have the three beautiful summer months free, just books, viola, beaches and free time and will be done with my fiscal responsibilities by then.

2. enjoy the summer.

3. go see the world.
i wanted to work for a cruise line last september, but due to some emotional roller coaster i decided to postpone it. now the time has come when i can make a fine blend of business and pleasure - rent out my apartment thus having no costs and get paid to see the world.

this is gonna be an epic year.

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-02-19

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and break into milion pieces.

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-02-15

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i'm not a sociopath. just smart enough to think like one.

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-02-13

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no one can make this decision for me.
so i'm asking myself - shall i jump?

what is is gonna be girl? do you have the guts to strive for something outside the box?

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-02-09

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it is time to sharpen my knife. it is time to open a new page. it's time to embrace the insanity outbursts into creative formation instead of pretending to lead a normal, mediocre life.

it is time to bleed all over pages.

every person is a story.
all you have to do, is read it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2015-01-19

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so after having finished bergman and gone girl, here is my christmas present to myself:

i am admitting and embracing that to a certain extent i am a sociopath. i tend to think a lot wider, intuitive, observantly than others. i have an amazing capability of being good, and even greater to be mean, manipulative, selfish, and cover it all up with a naive smile.

when observing psychopaths in action, i can emphasize with them, understand the reasons, even feel admiration for their patience and handling. only psychopathic stories that seem troubling are the ones playing on my inner inability to admit the true self.

i am not a psychopath. i am in charge of my actions. and most of the time - of my thoughts. my behavior is a choice. i do not tend to gamble with lives - others rather than mine (since i can be quite reckless about myself)- just for the fun of it, just to roll the dice.

and i strive, strive, strive to fight the dark side and just be a good person. to do the right thing. this fight often...

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-23

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lose the expectations and illusions.

just let it go.

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-18

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translating bergman's biography turned out more difficult than initially expected.

despite my endless tries to establish a self-esteem and decent human relationshipa, i fail fail fail following the neverending pattern. my fear keeps getting the best/worst of me, my insecurities eat me alive, and i do my best to destroy what i have, in fear of losing it.

preventive methods used until now:

1. suppress it - failed. anything reppressed increases with time and blows up in my face in greater proportions, destroying anything dear around me, inclusing myself.

2. understand it - failed. been analyzing myself, blaming my parents, blaming myself, blaming the significant other, and still unable to let things go.

3. seek help - failed. only thing i learned is the fact that i have an unhealthy bond with my dad and deep incurable, and wait-for-it - UNDERSTANDABLE insecurities.

4. take a deep breath and some time off - failed. as soon as i get 3+ days off, my fears create an absolute unbreakable shield...

Skrivet av arlona, 2014-12-17

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