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moments to share, moments to care

understanding the illness or accepting the diagnosis does not mean it is cured.
sobriety is only a platform that helps eliminating the causes what brings a person to using.

there are several basic reasons for that (these are not my own personal ideas however they apply in a personal manner):
1) deformed perception of reality - everyone else is either better or different and addict feels like he "does not fit in" and that "addict is missing something that everyone else apparently has to be happy". using helps to feel like a person "fits in" the universe (everyone is friends when drunk).
2) deformed perception of one's self - low self-esteem - (not good enough) mixing with falsified sense of superiority (this usually develops for "talented" kids - the parents from one side make the kid feel like he is "special" (smart, talented,etc), but from the other side also demand higher results resulting in disappointment when those are never good enough)
3) hyper sensitivity - what for others is just an...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-09-03

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this blog has been my diary for the past 10 years, so if you've read it, you know more about me than the last 12 steps. however, when i see the number of people who have read (and still read) my posts but never leave a comment - i wonder - who are you people who read this blog in a God's forgotten corner of the internet?

i love bragging about my new life. i really do. but what feeds my ego is what destroys me. so truth shall set me free.
alcohol was so much fun. some of my brightest ideas were ignited by rum or wine, some of the funniest and most remarkable nights happened under influence. crazy adventures, some even dangerous, breath taking, intoxicating, ridiculous and unforgettable.

but i have only fucked up life really bad when under influence.
i blindly followed impulses, some of which very endangering ones.
i skipped responsibility when drunk.
i had no consideration of others, myself or consequences when drunk.
made the worst decisions.
made even worse decisions.

and i could not...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-31

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100

5 months ago i gave up all medication.
100 days ago i gave up drinking.
1 month ago i gave up smoking.
now i'm trying to get better regarding my ED.
it's been a long, amazing, hard road and still so much ahead, but completely worth it.

they say one doesn't deserve a medal for acting normal.
i believe that only refers to people for whom "normal" is a natural state of living. not me.

dysfunctional codependency is a set of "emotional, psychological and behavioral conditions that develop when an individual is subject to a set of long term oppressing conditions; conditions meaning an environment where the individual is not allowed to freely express emotions, discuss their personal feelings and be open about their needs."

this kind of dysfunction develops a set of "survival skills", e.g. if i asked for anything and was mocked for my request, i quickly learned that i can obtain my desired object through manipulation or lies in order to skip being ridiculed. i learned that admitting my failures and...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-28

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what others think, do or feel is none of my business. i cannot nor should i control it, influence it or worry about it. freedom.

instead i am busy with fulfilling my own needs and following the path of Higher Power. my shortcomings are no longer a proof of a failure, they are crumbs to be dusted away one by one.

i no longer have to worry about the day or it's outcome, i rely that everything, each person, event or happening is sent by Higher Power, so there is no point worrying.

forgiving myself. forgiving everyone else. letting peace, joy and faith take over.

today and everyday i ask God to let me rely on him through every hour of the day. whatever news i might receive, let me accept them with harmony and conviction that it is God's will. lead me and teach me how to pray, believe, hope, forgive and love.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-22

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for the first time, i stood up for myself.

this was so unlike me. usually i would pretend everything is fine for 10-15 minutes or until the threat was somewhat over, then started crying, complaining, playing the victim, pointing fingers, blaming and feeling sorry for myself.

not this time.
in a crowd of people i didn't know. against a man twice my age. which i will have to meet at least once a week for a very very long time.
he was sitting and judging me and others for being sick and doing sick things.
yes, i am sick, this is why i am here - to get better.
no one messes with my recovery.
no one messes with our group.
no one can belittle me.
no one can make me doubt my values.

and the funny thing - i wasn't even angry. i kept my peace, boundaries, self respect, even respect towards him asking well defined questions out of genuine interest and providing a calm explanation. i didn't ask him to shut up or to leave, i wasn't ironic, attacking, assuming or declaring. but he went ballistic on me,...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-21

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I can honestly say that one of the most beautiful things about recovery is never looking back, but finding a way to move on.

I don't have to ask: why is the house torn down? Who did it? When did the hurricane start? The fact is, the house is torn down. Finding out why won't fix it. Just like blaming my childhood, parents, school kids or failed relationships won't fix my today. But now I have the tools to move on without looking back. My past is still a part of me, but it doesn't own me.

Today I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me and for the tools to start every day fresh.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-19

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With every day, I had started taking better care of myself. The two main priorities were a healthy body (eating and sports) and my job.

But relationships. For my whole life I had trouble understanding the meaning for it. Since my parents split early in my childhood, my idea of relationships consisted of TV and cosmopolitan images. My fantasy went wild and I tried to pretend to be the fantasy girl as well as expecting the fantasy relationship in return. It clashed against my true introvert nature and the need for personal space and self development. It also clashed against all sanity, logic and reality.
As mentioned in earlier entries, recently I had learned that there is both a child and a parent (critical or loving) in me and that I am in fact perfectly capable of taking care of myself and give myself all the pampering, care and love I expected from my fantasy partner. But if I was self sufficient, what was the point of relationship? Once again I had gotten to a dead end. To make matters worse it...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-19

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it is time to face the next addiction and illness: sugar and anorexia/bulimia. my ED and weight have become critically dangerous to health and survival so this cannot wait any longer. a human body doesn't need sugar for survival. it needs carbs, not sugar.
looking back, i never had a sweet tooth, this appeared only when i started drinking more often or tried to quit. but once again it sums up to all the other addictions and the behavior as such. anyhow, sugar must go.

after analyzing my finances for several months, i realized i spent around 500 eur per month for booze, cigarettes and "unnecessary food".

i am going back to a 5th grader's thinking - i have pocket money - how do i spend it? what do i really really want that is worth saving up for? do i really need this?

from strict self discipline i went to allowing myself anything - go inside a store and take what i want. what gluttony is this? how would i ever teach a child to be economical and rational about spending when i act as a kid who has...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-08-14

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