moments to share, moments to care

love makes us blind.
so does resentment.
so does anger.
so does desperation.
so does fear.

pick you card.
and buckle up (or is is - steal the last glimpse of reality), it's gonna be a bumpy ride regardless.

its been almost a month since my last entry. have had 3 beers since then. might have overreacted about the issue, but since my body (and wallet) are thankful for this, might as well continue staying away from it.

i have a drinking problem.

i don't recognize myself anymore.

the most loyal followers of these lines might have noticed that to a certain extent a personality struggle has been intertwining throughout the years. always something to improve, always something to change.
looking back it seems that sometimes this battle has been slightly chaotic with a low ratio of efficiency. it has lacked structure and guidance, and that might be one of the explanation why some of the things have been re-learned repeatedly (or never really acquired at all).

despite the positive aspects, there is one huge flaw always following like a shadow: usually showing it's ugly face in the brightest moments, spoiling them mercilessly, and this trait is immaturity.

so there it is - a personal declaration of war on immaturity.
here are the few steps i have set to win the war:
1. don't be a bully - verbal, social or physical - cut the inappropriate comments and hiding behind the argument of being "honest" (this reminds me, i should take my own advice sometimes)
2. avoid gossip, rumors, and...

sometimes i surprise myself.
another goal achieved.

funny how sometimes we forget how well we can make ourselves feel.

ha, yes, another one of those.

2 months after returning, i realized there is one part of the trip that i am missing so badly, i feel a physical ache, an urge in my chest. luckily, this urge can be fulfilled anyplace and almost any time.

i miss time to think.

time back home runs way too fast, from the moment when i get up til the moment i lay down my head, there is information all around me. radio, tv, data at work, emails, emails, emails, bills, grocery list, to-do list, phone calls, tvseries and even when there finally is time for thinking (evening, holidays), distractions get the best of me.

i miss thinking. sitting down in a bus, plane, station, and just thinking. putting things in the right boxes. lately i've been depriving myself of this joy and it seems like it has to be brought back.

reinvention? i guess not really. more adapting to the new period that has started. the new goals, the new lifestyle, another part which i'm welcoming with open arms. it feels great, it does indeed.

a newly made friend suggested to write down the cognition and verities obtained throughout the trip.

probably i should have devoted some of the precious travelling time noting some memories and feelings before they dwindle into oblivion, but as the old saying goes: time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.

without any particular order, i'll start with

maturity
suddenly i was the adult who did the dishes, not the teenager who puts them in the sink trying to sneak out of it, telling the conscience "it's not my problem". i was the cool kid who paid her round of drinks and her part of the trip, not the pretty girl accepting the "naw, you don't have to" because it's cheaper that way.

saying "no"
my self confidence used to be pathetically low, and sometimes i've done ridiculous shit to boost my ego and because i'm too weak to say no. instead, flirting was perceived as a compliment without reacting on it - extremes, such as sleeping with someone or vice versa "what an asshole trying to get in my pants",...