moments to share, moments to care
how can a person change when the ppl around him don't accept this?
the more i think about my past behavior, the more i understand how ppl saw me. i hope that the thought i have now is not about being liked by others for no reason. rather how much damage have i caused for no reason.
one thing is clear, because of the background, the tendency to perceive every action as a potential threat is doubtless. this has resulted in a compulsive need to protect myself, to draw boundries, to be clear about what is not ok.
i have been lucky to have dated some of the nicest guys i know. i would even call them The Guys, because those are the guys every girl would wanna end up with - handsome, sweet, caring, trustworthy, good sense of humor, tender, polite. but instead of seeing this as a chance to get to know an awesome person, i've been trying to protect myself from getting hurt, thus hurting everyone around me. so idiotic, so unable to see the big picture!
i see now others treating these guys well and i wonder...
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came to a revelation today.
for years i thought that the tough relationship to my mother dearest was the reason i was such a sarcastic and cynic person, so little tolerating other mistakes.
turns out, it is my dad who has unwillingly taught me that. whenever entrusted a painful, awkward situation, an argument, a fight, dad has been the one to say "well life simply is like that, you gotta accept it". when he built a new family, excluding me from it, it was just another thing. "you gotta accept that now your dad has a new family with no space for you there".
acceptance is good once one gets to it. some things i have never learned to accept, which is bad for me. i recall a quote from dr house that the five phases of getting over smth are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. i have been putting obstacles in my own healing by not fully accepting a situation. clinging to the unfairness of a situation. for what it's worth, it's getting easier.
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it is simply amazing that i have been able to keep writing these resolutions, 5th year in a row now. this has been one of the best years, with amazing people, events. there have been heavy mistakes leading to amazing lectures. there have been simple people discovering outrageous truths for me.
so first looking back to things done this year:
have been lucky to have travelled a lot this year.
run half-marathon - check!
learn russian in a level i don't embarrass myself in public - mission still in progress
make 4 weeks without alcohol - check!
write a short story - didn't even rembmer i wished for this, but in that case - posponed
print all my fave photographies - check! more to print this year :)
i have also learned to perceive things easier, to work more on relations instead of giving the shitty "well i don't need you anyway" attitude. people aren't morons. i've been blessed with my bf who is the most awesome person i know, every day he teaches me patience, humility, and simply, how to be nice....
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i used to have this incredible urge to socialize with ppl in general. and overshare a great deal of my private life to a certain extent too far. there was this necessity in the air to be heard. and to feel cared about.
that part is somehow over.
no one really gives a damn about anyone elses business but their own.
too bad it took such a long time for me to realise this and to cling on to the opposite.
well well.. better late than never.
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