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moments to share, moments to care

i had a bad feeling as well as a good one when my stay here was extended.

i don't feel like going home. what is a home really - a set location, place with assumptions and expectations? no no, we all have heard the good ol song - home is where your heart is.

i don't want to return to the place where i feel like an outcast. for the past months i've been working my ass off to be nice, polite, cute, composed, patient, silent. i'm so tired of trying to be a person i'm not. cuz however hard i try, there are much happier assholes, content with being assholes.
for a while i thought of myself being mature and acted accordingly. and then i imagined aiming a bullet right in my temples.

in the past weeks, i have played computer games, watched my sci-fi stuff, laughed at louis ck jokes, got asked out (that is such an awesome feeling), and all of this stuff i did with people who have my sense of humor, who don't expect me to be skinny, who don't mind me burping, making shameless jokes and having cynic attitude....

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-10-05

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so folks. i thought this was the last day for me in the business trip (40 days? man, that sounds like an easter lent!) but turns out we are stuck in this place for two more weeks.

the time here was perfect. it was exactly what i was expecting. and add a few things i did not expect.

officially, i will tag this as one of the lessons of life, because the future me must know the following: you fixed it! for the first time i fixed the problem. the outburst i had - yes i had it. i was scarred as a wild animal. i was aggressive in order to protect myself. but i took a step back (a very very difficult step which felt like literally weeding someone from your heart), pointed out the good things, focused on my own dreams, lived for myself (and here i must point out to myself to one of the most important conversations of my life, where the lesson was: don't do anything for me, live for your own sake), and lived it. and it turned out awesome.

he didn't turn away from me. i liked myself more with every...

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-28

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it's not that bad meeting ppl from your past.
you always think you grow to become smth better from smth worse.

but they remind you the awesome things about you even years and years back.

like there are stil good things about a caterpillar before it turns to a butterfly..

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-27

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i've been really blessed with some amazing people around me. i wouldn't wanna say that i idealize them in the conservative sense of the word, but here it is: since these people, regardless of occupation, gender, age (yupp, i'm very opne minded) are so amazing for one or another reason in my eyes, i am convinced that everyone else on the planet should have the same opinion about them. everyone else should be thinking of them as awesome. turns out it isn't so (surprise surprise). my friends also have people who don't appreciate them. my friends also have people around who find them weirdos. who find them outcasts. etc.

this is absurd to me.
my friends are too awesome for anyone to think about them.

but from the other side - it feels sort of.. ok.. knowing that.. well i am not the only one surrounded by this.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-27

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amazing. im prolly one of the happiest ppl on the planet. life is again,worth living.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-23

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this summer i made a big mistake. so i thought. the mistake was showing the worst part of me. a freakout. for a long time i couldn't forgive myself for having shown it, thought it wasn't directed at anyone, my freak outs are still ugly.
i thought it was going to affect my future with no doubt.

i thought that because of my freak out, i had destroyed everything - and however hard i would try to deny it - unfortunately i do things like that.
it brings me four years back to a friend saying the same thing, documented neatly in another piece

but then it hit me.
thank god it happened sooner rather than later.
it would have been way worse living for a year and then having seen me like that.
i've always said- the sooner you get to see my dark sides, the sooner you can make up your mind either accepting me for the best and the worst, or just avoiding me. i'm not really up for small talks.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-18

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best one ever.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-17

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if anyone finds my ego, please give it back to me.

since ive lost it, it has been really difficult.

Skrivet av arlona, 2012-09-11

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