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moments to share, moments to care

moving from one romance to the next in the past has eliminated the factor of having a real break up. time which is used to reflect on one's actions, decisions and situations. just new distractions and the same pattern goes on and on, since there has been no analysis of ones mistakes.

now i have the time to reflect not on one, but on all of the break ups i've had over years, including the ones implying losing friends, and man, they have piled up. they make me remember of really great people i've had in my life and have neglected for one or another reason.

i still don't understand what have i done to have deserved so many amazing people in my life. i don't feel worthy of all the care, attention and time they have invested in being around me. i never have, and subconsciously i've driven them away from me, knowing that nothing that good can last.

at the same time it feels like everything i touch turns to dust, and the harsh story of my life is, that the people from my past still care for me but...

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-06

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for quite a while now i've been gradually changing into a worse and worse version of myself.

i used to be an independent woman who never allowed herself depending on anyone. doing all by myself. i became one of the neediest people on the planet.

i was positive and naive, believed in the best in people, deeply knowing that no man is bad per se, just acting out because he is being unhappy, but then i became suspicious and cynical of everyone, making assumptions and disbelieving even when proven wrong.

i was positive, always appreciating the amazing things in life, grateful and proud of my friends, thinking everything is perfect and nothing is unsolvable. i was thankful to God and did not understand, what have i possibly done to deserve this happiness. then i started complaining. hating my life. hating myself. and it never stopped.

i used to take great care of myself, my body, mind, ambitions, set goals and achieve them without a doubt. i had self discipline and principles i never overstepped. i...

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-02-03

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a state where two people who deeply love each other live in fear of that the other might do to them.

i tried my best to make things up. i failed.

a great love it was. no regrets. i'm grateful there was a time in my life i felt so alive.

and so home.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-01-30

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be honest to myself.

be good to myself.

Skrivet av arlona, 2017-01-04

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we choose what we let define us.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-12-12

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that face holds no horror for me now,
it's in my soul the true distortion lies.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-12-11

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sometimes life is like the game snakes and rattles. you think you are so close to the goal, but suddenly you land on a snake and fall down to square one again.

aside from that, i am like a very bad car passenger - i constantly interrupt the driver, criticizing his ways and demanding the wheel, even though his way may be different and better.

i wish i could just buckle up and enjoy the ride.
the driver knows what he's doing. it's the passenger who needs to let go.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-11-24

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ever since i realized i am not needed anymore, i felt completely worthless. it seemed, just because i am not needed, i had no more value, a piece of trash that can be tossed out, since there was no use to it anymore.

it make me understand, how i genuinely need to feel needed. in a way it is ironic, since for the past 1,5 years i have been one of the neediest people that i know, being happy for the small instances of my life when anyone else expressed any need or appreciation for my presence.

change is not easy, but maybe realization that i am not needed anymore doesn't mean i'm worthless. no more.

maybe nobody needs anyone and the old expression is completely wrong.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-10-27

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