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moments to share, moments to care

so i just noticed that i feel a little bit better, as in i'm getting out of my depression.

and i feel a little worse, since i know that there are some things i am not doing the right way.

what the hell. i mean.. theoretically i shouldn't feel this way, because i haven't done anything wrong. i am not even on the verge of doing something wrong. but it feels like i am letting people think what they want to think. aka - i am putting up an illusion. and i don't have the power to take it away and show the harsh reality.

i am empty. as if my life just started. 2 days ago. i don't regret anything. and i don't miss anything. i feel lonely once and then, but i feel that it's right.

i am sorry.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-17

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as usually, i have once again met a person who changed my life/opinion about it in some way.
and some other things have happened at the same time.

first of all, atm, i feel extremely remote from the world. even when i had to leave latvia, it felt kinda funny, cuz there wasn't really anyone for me to leave behind. i am not attached to anyone. how can this be, that i just just take off to another country and not even feel sorry or any of it? good for me, i guess.

then again, 3 nights ago, the amazing thing happened. i met a friend and a 2-hour-coffe turned into smth else. it felt amazing to see that sometimes ppl don't grow apart, or more precisely, if they have been apart, that they can grow back together.

meeting old friends has brought me a lot of thoughts lately. maybe i should stop meeting them. stop digging around in the past. just move on to another place and another life.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-16

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maybe there is some hope. maybe i just have to focus on that this is gonna end soon and have to prepare for greece. kinda woke up on a good mood but there are still a lot of things that can go wrong. so keep your fingers crossed for me. i can do this.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-12

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i feel empty. for a few weeks i have felt empty. apparently it has smth to do with my trip to swe cuz as far as i can remember i was full of life and plans for the spring/summer/year before i went there. also, since there aren't too many objectives for me to do at this point, i feel worthless. the obvious lack of sleep has affected my "joy channels" because obviously i can't even as much as smile. i feel that there is no point or meaning of my life. going through motions once again. what am i living for? there is basically no point of me living anymore. no suicidal thoughts, just.. just that i don't feel like my life is good for anything.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-10

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so the past days have slightly changed my life. i still need a few more nights to sleep on this since i'm feeling weirdly well. in any case. the relieving part is that i came to realize that there will never be anything between me and the ex. we made a mistake and we both regret any of it. things will never be the same and he just doesn't feel any of it for me. good for me. lack of feelings, as i've always said, is the only and very best reason why people should break up. and i assume that the reason why i feel so good is the realization of that i cannot change anything. good for me. freeing. i feel like crying, but like in this good way. ofc, and end to smth is sad. but it is also a beginning of smth else. i just appreciate everything i have. i am in love with my life. i have huge plans and opportunities. and the best thing is that i'm not alone.

i'm saying goodbye. for good.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-09

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i'm on a good mood. partially thanks to the basement who let me look on the same situation with different eyes. but mostly because of one conversation. not because it would have given me more hope, but it enlightened me. it took away half of the pressure. it took away half of the worries. anyhow. ofc im still nervous, but im blaming it on the parent behind me, since that has never given me any peace of mind.

also. damn me woman. instincts are strong and by far they haven't been wrong. the thought "it is so not gonna end well" has proven itself one more time. i cannot blame anyone, but yes, a huge gap has developed based on certain events, texts, behaviors. too bad. or well.. maybe it was just never meant to be. the hardest part is when you aren't sure and you fumble around blindly hoping to lay a finger on smth solid. but apparently that part is over. the thing is that i am so damn sure that it is over. some ppl are just so obvious. but thanks. at least one thing less to worry about.

i just want to...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-06

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i'm tired. of a lost cause. of waste of time and energy. of pointless life. of empty dreams. of others. and of myself. i might get away, but somehow i still got the feeling that the problems will still haunt me.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-04

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i keep comparing. and here's the conclusion:

the relationship that started perfectly, went on perfectly but became not perfect at all and ended, keeps up the hope that it can be as perfect as it once was. the perfection, once experienced, keeps up the hope of the ability to bring it back, re-experience it.

the relationship that has stared lame, complex, difficult and "challenging" (one is supposed to use this word in work interviews to describe a "hard, difficult" task to sound better) even if evened out keeps the taste of "something is still missing".

the first case plants the thought "this is so perfect" deep into the twisted mind and the idea is just growing stronger with every happy event. and in the end it has rooted in so deeply in the brain that it's hard to burn it out.

the second idea plants an idea of "this ain't gonna end well, this is so not gonna end well" and keeps rooting just like the first one. and is as hard to get out as the first one.

the paradox is that when the first...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-01

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