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moments to share, moments to care

with every evening passing i just feel like passing away more and more. the reasons for me not doing anything stupid here is the problematic carrying of my worthless body back and the disappointment which my dad would feel. and the thought that i can still turn this depression into a valuable art. i feel like my journey is over. there is nothing left for me to do. i don't need or want help. it is fine the way it is. it is the way it's supposed to be.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-21

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there was once a gal. she was pretty happy person till she went to sweden and realized that she had lost one of the most important ppl in her life. she got seriously depressed and tried getting out of it in many ways. she didn't want to let one drop of coffee spoil the entire swimming pool so she rather appreciated the ppl around instead of focusing on the lost. and started feeling better. kinda. there were still things missing but she kept telling herself that time heals every single bruise.

then she met ppl that messed up her mind even more. she was lost. she started giving up ppl. it was easier to give them up than keep them and hurt them. or be responsible for anything. or think or miss or be attached. i suck as a friend. i suck big time. i appreciate but i don't show it. i suck as anything. i'm rather on my own. so i don't disappoint anyone.

although, i didn't count in a thing. that however cold i try to be, they still matter.
and giving them up is just not that simple.

i don't deserve to have...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-18

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so i just noticed that i feel a little bit better, as in i'm getting out of my depression.

and i feel a little worse, since i know that there are some things i am not doing the right way.

what the hell. i mean.. theoretically i shouldn't feel this way, because i haven't done anything wrong. i am not even on the verge of doing something wrong. but it feels like i am letting people think what they want to think. aka - i am putting up an illusion. and i don't have the power to take it away and show the harsh reality.

i am empty. as if my life just started. 2 days ago. i don't regret anything. and i don't miss anything. i feel lonely once and then, but i feel that it's right.

i am sorry.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-17

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as usually, i have once again met a person who changed my life/opinion about it in some way.
and some other things have happened at the same time.

first of all, atm, i feel extremely remote from the world. even when i had to leave latvia, it felt kinda funny, cuz there wasn't really anyone for me to leave behind. i am not attached to anyone. how can this be, that i just just take off to another country and not even feel sorry or any of it? good for me, i guess.

then again, 3 nights ago, the amazing thing happened. i met a friend and a 2-hour-coffe turned into smth else. it felt amazing to see that sometimes ppl don't grow apart, or more precisely, if they have been apart, that they can grow back together.

meeting old friends has brought me a lot of thoughts lately. maybe i should stop meeting them. stop digging around in the past. just move on to another place and another life.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-16

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maybe there is some hope. maybe i just have to focus on that this is gonna end soon and have to prepare for greece. kinda woke up on a good mood but there are still a lot of things that can go wrong. so keep your fingers crossed for me. i can do this.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-12

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i feel empty. for a few weeks i have felt empty. apparently it has smth to do with my trip to swe cuz as far as i can remember i was full of life and plans for the spring/summer/year before i went there. also, since there aren't too many objectives for me to do at this point, i feel worthless. the obvious lack of sleep has affected my "joy channels" because obviously i can't even as much as smile. i feel that there is no point or meaning of my life. going through motions once again. what am i living for? there is basically no point of me living anymore. no suicidal thoughts, just.. just that i don't feel like my life is good for anything.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-10

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so the past days have slightly changed my life. i still need a few more nights to sleep on this since i'm feeling weirdly well. in any case. the relieving part is that i came to realize that there will never be anything between me and the ex. we made a mistake and we both regret any of it. things will never be the same and he just doesn't feel any of it for me. good for me. lack of feelings, as i've always said, is the only and very best reason why people should break up. and i assume that the reason why i feel so good is the realization of that i cannot change anything. good for me. freeing. i feel like crying, but like in this good way. ofc, and end to smth is sad. but it is also a beginning of smth else. i just appreciate everything i have. i am in love with my life. i have huge plans and opportunities. and the best thing is that i'm not alone.

i'm saying goodbye. for good.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-09

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i'm on a good mood. partially thanks to the basement who let me look on the same situation with different eyes. but mostly because of one conversation. not because it would have given me more hope, but it enlightened me. it took away half of the pressure. it took away half of the worries. anyhow. ofc im still nervous, but im blaming it on the parent behind me, since that has never given me any peace of mind.

also. damn me woman. instincts are strong and by far they haven't been wrong. the thought "it is so not gonna end well" has proven itself one more time. i cannot blame anyone, but yes, a huge gap has developed based on certain events, texts, behaviors. too bad. or well.. maybe it was just never meant to be. the hardest part is when you aren't sure and you fumble around blindly hoping to lay a finger on smth solid. but apparently that part is over. the thing is that i am so damn sure that it is over. some ppl are just so obvious. but thanks. at least one thing less to worry about.

i just want to...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-06

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