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moments to share, moments to care

you don't cause pain, and you don't feel pain - that's an illusion.
you don't cause pain, but you feel pain - that's being ghandi.
you cause pain, but you don't feel pain - that's being a sociopath.

you cause pain and you feel pain - that's war. or life.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-10-02

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fun thing, if you google "how to bottle up your emotions", only results you get is how to unbottle them.
what a waste. of bottles.

this world has enough of feelings already.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-10-01

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seems like i've lost all of them.

i'm so lost. one more week, and then i'll have time to ponder about it and start from a scratch.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-09-21

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somewhere along the way I lost gratefulness for all the amazing things in my life.

I think it has somthing to do with someone overtalking me to get used to comfort.

I don't want comfort. life is amazing as it is.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-09-16

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i need to learn to keep more things to myself.
as well as not to give in to momentary emotions. impatience brings out the worst in me.

therefore the traits i want to obtain are patience, composure and moderation.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-09-11

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resentment is the degree to which we allow someone else to trespass our own boundaries.

it hurts when we let someone into the home of our heart, and instead of appreciating this luxury, they wreck everything on their way. at first you can just walk behind them, cleaning up the mess, kindly asking to be more gentle. but at one point enough is enough - you show them the door and smash it loudly behind them. or smash their face. and then the pain comes. how could we have been such fools, to let someone in? how could we let it go on for so long and take it?

i have been really bad at dealing with resentment. there was a person who walked into my life and wrecked all of it, because i let him.
i loved and still love him very much, and apparently he loved me in return, since after i smashed the door behind him, he kept standing on the porch.
eventually i let him in again, but with huge suspicion and mistrust. as soon as a flower was misplaced, i got panic attacks of what might follow.
i was hoping my love...

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-21

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feels like newly gained freedom. and no idea what to do with it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-18

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many years (as far as i can remember) i have been living in fear. the first 15 years this fear was rational, casued by the behavior of my own family.

i’m not 15 anymore, but fear became a pattern of behavior. fear of loosing someone expressed itself either as an attack (mean comments, sarcastic jokes, pretense of dislike, etc.) or as running away (who wants to stay on a sinking ship).

it seemed like this can be avoided only in one way – by controlling the situation. when in a relationship, i had to stay in control at all times. i couldn’t allow things to become too good, since that would mean letting go, forgetting about everything, enjoying, and miss that something bad is happening meanwhile.

if i would screw up with an overly big dose of control, i could compose myself quickly and take a few steps back to fix the situation and let the person breathe a little.

 

i have felt safe in a relationship twice – the first time when I had 100% control over the guy (and i hated it), the second...

Skrivet av arlona, 2016-07-11

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