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moments to share, moments to care

this phrase used to be just words to me. i was trying to understand it and i was living the illusion that i understood it until i experienced the same thing but the other way round.
so i made a huge mistake, something very dumb like a month ago or so. and at that time a newly met friend told me that now he knew i could even do things like this. so what? it doesn't change the fact that i am amazing etc. etc.
a few days ago i talked to a guy. he can be very revengeful, spontaneous, aggressive, although personally i haven't experienced any of it, only rumors or his own stories. and then i realized - i'm afraid of him. however hard he'd try to convince me, i would still know that he can play tricks like that - be aggressive etc. and as far as i can think of, nothing can change this reality or my attitude towards him, unless he would change his attitude and become calm and never hurt anyone, even if it is for the sake of a principle.

i am aggressive.
i was aggressive.
i hope.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-26

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that's what i gotta do. somehow i was blinded by the beautiful idea as such. and now when we are closer than ever we also have the biggest gap between us ever. it is just two different levels. amazing. a little pathetic. mostly just weird. like somehow you see everything in a different light and that sight is both satisfying and sad.

by far, this winter is beautiful.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-24

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it is snowy all around and i have this incredible peace in me. i am no longer afraid to be single/alone. i am in peace with myself. at the same time i feel changes withing my personality, so i am still developing. just being a happy happy person. appreciating everything i got.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-23

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my life pretty much has turned back to normal. which i appreciate. actually i've learned to appreciate a lot of things. my friends, foremost. they are my allies, my strong wall to hide from wind. they are the bridge over the gorge of desperation. and one thing i can promise myself - i will try to be a better friend for them, cuz they sure as hell deserve it.
then, i still appreciate music in my life. there have been morning when i wake up and amazingly feel the urge NOT to listen to my player cuz it felt like i've heard every single song already. silence has been the best music for at that time. silence and raindrops that pull me into the infinity of longing for something beyond.
i want to compose. i'd love to put down how i feel but in music. but i ain't good enough for that yet. i wanna touch peoples hearts. and play the strings of their souls. switch off their minds and give in for feelings. disappear and let sounds wrap you in so tight that you're catching for a breath. a deep one.
atm i can only keep...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-20

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silent evening lays upon the earth. the wind still sings his redemption song over the seas, beyond the woods and on the streets. the snowflakes keep falling and filling the air with soft peace that fills your lungs up to the top. just listen. and breathe. close your eyes and enjoy the moment wishing it would last forever. feel the frost stinging in the cheeks reminding you that you're still alive. and give in. for once. for your own sake.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-18

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that's the question of the day. most likely the question of the week. and i can tell that the answer or the search for it will impact some of my decisions in the nearest future. gotta get to the basis of all this to make it clear.

so two days ago we watched a christmas movie with friends and i got all emotional since i realised that these christmas i will have to spend alone. so in my desperation i was almost ready to invite myself over to one of my exes in swe since i didnt wanna stay here. one of my exes invited me immediately when he heard how bad i felt cuz he knows how much christmas means to me and cuz we have been broken up for enough long time that we can actually socialize with each other. but ofc. i needed/wanted the other one more. and i spend an entire evening crying over spilled water which was very unhealthy and in any case very unnecessary.

so today i was a part of a completely different dimension/world/reality. i went to riga to meet 2 of my old classmates. the day was better than i...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-17

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fill the space with the missing letter. thats right. NAGGERS. i tend to be one of them. but lately i've noticed that i can control my action/reaction on certain events and after a few minutes/hours/days i realize that they don't have half of the impact on my life than i thought they were. or more correctly, those events will impact me as much as i will let them to. so it is just to take a deep breath and look from the side and see: wait a second, it aint that bad.

this year might be the first christmas that i might have to spend alone. so what? just because i dont have a family, i have nothing? so atm im planning to crush someones christmas :) watch out, i might pick you!

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-16

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this evening is priceless. the entire day was quite amazing to begin with, but let's just get to the most entertaining part.
so music is the only thing that keeps me going through dark hours. and when someone tries to take it away from me, i can get very upset. so let's just say i got into a fight with a band member about some pointless stuff. i'm so freaking tired of ppl being irresponsible and wasting their own n other ppl's time. and not admitting they screw up big time. grow up ffs and start taking some responsibilities. this made me realise one thing - rather sit in the corner, play when you have to and sit silent when you don't. shut the fuck up and just do your thing.
anyhow, the evening glided into a completely different shape after i got one step closer to fulfilling my dream - playing one of the most awesome songs for my level together with 2 other ppl that share my passion. if this will all come true, ill die happy. but still a month left for rehearsals. can't wait.

i also noticed that i...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-13

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