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moments to share, moments to care

i have been depressed over the past week or two. i haven't felt any rays of joy, happiness or any of that. i haven't felt like writing. or doing anything. just sleeping. the weather has been dull and shity, pulling me into the grey mist. but i feel like i'm slowly getting out of it. sometimes it is about meeting the right people. sometimes it is about cleaning your room, not only because you get rid of a lot of unnecessary things but also because it is a gesture of giving it a fresh start. sometimes it is about getting pancakes for breakfast. sometimes it is about hanging out with different people. or seeing different things. doing different things. being different. forgetting the usual environment. i can do it.

and btw, i miss snow.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-01

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dear friend,

you might watch me in perplexity of why am i chasing or longing for smth pointless or worthless. why i don't take a breath and just look around and starting to notice the true values. you might feel forgotten or pushed aside. but you ain't. i am not blind, nor am i careless. your obvious falling into oblivion, even if denied, is scaring me. as if you were just watching everything fall apart and wondering if anyone will notice although it ain't attention you're after.

i don't know how to handle it and if i even should try to. now i simply feel like giving you time and space to deal with whatever it is you're dealing with. just know that i am there for you in a need. i am your friend despite the weirdness of our friendship.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-27

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this phrase used to be just words to me. i was trying to understand it and i was living the illusion that i understood it until i experienced the same thing but the other way round.
so i made a huge mistake, something very dumb like a month ago or so. and at that time a newly met friend told me that now he knew i could even do things like this. so what? it doesn't change the fact that i am amazing etc. etc.
a few days ago i talked to a guy. he can be very revengeful, spontaneous, aggressive, although personally i haven't experienced any of it, only rumors or his own stories. and then i realized - i'm afraid of him. however hard he'd try to convince me, i would still know that he can play tricks like that - be aggressive etc. and as far as i can think of, nothing can change this reality or my attitude towards him, unless he would change his attitude and become calm and never hurt anyone, even if it is for the sake of a principle.

i am aggressive.
i was aggressive.
i hope.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-26

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that's what i gotta do. somehow i was blinded by the beautiful idea as such. and now when we are closer than ever we also have the biggest gap between us ever. it is just two different levels. amazing. a little pathetic. mostly just weird. like somehow you see everything in a different light and that sight is both satisfying and sad.

by far, this winter is beautiful.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-24

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it is snowy all around and i have this incredible peace in me. i am no longer afraid to be single/alone. i am in peace with myself. at the same time i feel changes withing my personality, so i am still developing. just being a happy happy person. appreciating everything i got.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-23

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my life pretty much has turned back to normal. which i appreciate. actually i've learned to appreciate a lot of things. my friends, foremost. they are my allies, my strong wall to hide from wind. they are the bridge over the gorge of desperation. and one thing i can promise myself - i will try to be a better friend for them, cuz they sure as hell deserve it.
then, i still appreciate music in my life. there have been morning when i wake up and amazingly feel the urge NOT to listen to my player cuz it felt like i've heard every single song already. silence has been the best music for at that time. silence and raindrops that pull me into the infinity of longing for something beyond.
i want to compose. i'd love to put down how i feel but in music. but i ain't good enough for that yet. i wanna touch peoples hearts. and play the strings of their souls. switch off their minds and give in for feelings. disappear and let sounds wrap you in so tight that you're catching for a breath. a deep one.
atm i can only keep...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-20

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silent evening lays upon the earth. the wind still sings his redemption song over the seas, beyond the woods and on the streets. the snowflakes keep falling and filling the air with soft peace that fills your lungs up to the top. just listen. and breathe. close your eyes and enjoy the moment wishing it would last forever. feel the frost stinging in the cheeks reminding you that you're still alive. and give in. for once. for your own sake.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-18

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that's the question of the day. most likely the question of the week. and i can tell that the answer or the search for it will impact some of my decisions in the nearest future. gotta get to the basis of all this to make it clear.

so two days ago we watched a christmas movie with friends and i got all emotional since i realised that these christmas i will have to spend alone. so in my desperation i was almost ready to invite myself over to one of my exes in swe since i didnt wanna stay here. one of my exes invited me immediately when he heard how bad i felt cuz he knows how much christmas means to me and cuz we have been broken up for enough long time that we can actually socialize with each other. but ofc. i needed/wanted the other one more. and i spend an entire evening crying over spilled water which was very unhealthy and in any case very unnecessary.

so today i was a part of a completely different dimension/world/reality. i went to riga to meet 2 of my old classmates. the day was better than i...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-17

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