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moments to share, moments to care

after a very wonderful night. and my 2 weeks i-wanna-kill-myself week where i had to do way more than i can manage (thanks to supporting ppl for coffee, sandwiches, backrubs, homeworks and interactive help in my studies, i wouln't have managed it without you).

last night i fulfilled a rather big dream, although when it came to realising it, i was neither nervous, nor over excited. i was like very confident about all that thing, just that i had to play in the dark which kinda sucked. anyway, dream come true, grats for me and thanks to Chris and Anne, i'm still amazed by your magical ability somehow control your instruments.

what concerns the rest of the dance night - i was enjoying myself. danced with almost everyone i had planned to, Chris got away :)

i'm still sleepy, but content. just a term paper and 4 lectures away from total freedom. love the thought of it :)

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-19

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so here it comes. he asked me out. not on a date, just for tea to spend an hour, so we woulnd't have to wait purposelessly before the rehearsal started. i agreed, cuz i like him. he's really cool. i know he used to be into me and he still seems to though he has a gf (never stopped me before). but i respect him and his beloved and tbh i am simply not interested in. maybe a tiny bit.
but then someone asked me what was i doing while waiting. and i couldn't tell the truth. i couln't tell that i was going out with him for a cup of tea. i felt guilty. smth wasn't right. i still do a little. weird.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-17

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to my dream come true. for some ppl that might seem like nothing, but in 4 days i will be playing some fine tunes for some fine songs. and that is going to be the biggest thing for me in my viola career by far.

what concerns the rest of my life, i am doing very fine. there are some downs but there are mostly ups. once again, in the end everything comes down to the attitude towards things/people/myself. surprisingly enough, i still feel like myself. in a good way.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-14

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.. to be back. cuz i feel like i'm back. at least i am joyful again. a lot of work and a lot of studies, but i have my joy back :)
good for me.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-09

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so i am still in this vague mist, but it seems i am doing progress in getting out of it which really makes me glad. i cannot be without my joy, childishness, faith and all that. also, i am spending quite a lot of time with either things that take my breath away, as in, i play a lot of viola and i can really see the improvement. and i spend time with people who know me as the hilarious, care-free, positive person which helps me to get out of it.
i also write down the benefits of being single. i look for them, because most likely at the moment i take them as granted. that helps me to get out of the loneliness as well.
so it is doing quite well.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-04

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i have been depressed over the past week or two. i haven't felt any rays of joy, happiness or any of that. i haven't felt like writing. or doing anything. just sleeping. the weather has been dull and shity, pulling me into the grey mist. but i feel like i'm slowly getting out of it. sometimes it is about meeting the right people. sometimes it is about cleaning your room, not only because you get rid of a lot of unnecessary things but also because it is a gesture of giving it a fresh start. sometimes it is about getting pancakes for breakfast. sometimes it is about hanging out with different people. or seeing different things. doing different things. being different. forgetting the usual environment. i can do it.

and btw, i miss snow.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-01

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dear friend,

you might watch me in perplexity of why am i chasing or longing for smth pointless or worthless. why i don't take a breath and just look around and starting to notice the true values. you might feel forgotten or pushed aside. but you ain't. i am not blind, nor am i careless. your obvious falling into oblivion, even if denied, is scaring me. as if you were just watching everything fall apart and wondering if anyone will notice although it ain't attention you're after.

i don't know how to handle it and if i even should try to. now i simply feel like giving you time and space to deal with whatever it is you're dealing with. just know that i am there for you in a need. i am your friend despite the weirdness of our friendship.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-27

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this phrase used to be just words to me. i was trying to understand it and i was living the illusion that i understood it until i experienced the same thing but the other way round.
so i made a huge mistake, something very dumb like a month ago or so. and at that time a newly met friend told me that now he knew i could even do things like this. so what? it doesn't change the fact that i am amazing etc. etc.
a few days ago i talked to a guy. he can be very revengeful, spontaneous, aggressive, although personally i haven't experienced any of it, only rumors or his own stories. and then i realized - i'm afraid of him. however hard he'd try to convince me, i would still know that he can play tricks like that - be aggressive etc. and as far as i can think of, nothing can change this reality or my attitude towards him, unless he would change his attitude and become calm and never hurt anyone, even if it is for the sake of a principle.

i am aggressive.
i was aggressive.
i hope.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-11-26

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