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moments to share, moments to care

i'm tired. of a lost cause. of waste of time and energy. of pointless life. of empty dreams. of others. and of myself. i might get away, but somehow i still got the feeling that the problems will still haunt me.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-04

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i keep comparing. and here's the conclusion:

the relationship that started perfectly, went on perfectly but became not perfect at all and ended, keeps up the hope that it can be as perfect as it once was. the perfection, once experienced, keeps up the hope of the ability to bring it back, re-experience it.

the relationship that has stared lame, complex, difficult and "challenging" (one is supposed to use this word in work interviews to describe a "hard, difficult" task to sound better) even if evened out keeps the taste of "something is still missing".

the first case plants the thought "this is so perfect" deep into the twisted mind and the idea is just growing stronger with every happy event. and in the end it has rooted in so deeply in the brain that it's hard to burn it out.

the second idea plants an idea of "this ain't gonna end well, this is so not gonna end well" and keeps rooting just like the first one. and is as hard to get out as the first one.

the paradox is that when the first...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-01

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i'm going to norway tomorrow. this trip brings me one step closer to another change of events. i don't even know what to expect. by far my life has twisted up in so many knots that i don't even know neither where to start untying them nor how to nor if at all.
at the moment i am at the crossroads and i have no idea what is the right decision to make. i realize there is no such a thing as "the right decision". and even more - most of it doesn't even depend on me.
basically, the only thing i can do now is - chill. take life as it comes. not worry about things i can't change. take more care of myself and hurt less ppl around me. yes. because i could bear this confusion more if no one else was involved. if only i was the one taking the chance of getting hurt. i can't bear hurting people i care about. especially when i can predict that happening. makes me not only blame myself but try looking for ways how to replace the blame upon someone else. what a miserable coward.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-28

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feels like a long time since i wrote anything last time.
at the same time i've realized that so many ppl know about this blog that i got to be careful of what i'm writing down. from one side, nothing has happen. i feel quite empty inside. no feelings. no pain. no joy. atm it feels like i'm going through the motions. just existing. filling space and time. blank.
so i'm working out. that is the one way i can make myself feel alive.

load. pain. cold. need them in big amounts to feel i'm worthy.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-23

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i have thought a lot and come to conclusion that the trip as shitty as it was, gave me the piece of mind and the calm feeling in my heart that i needed despite all the depressing notions and events.

however. i did everything what i could do. there is nothing more in my power to do to change things. and in 20 years i will not ask myself: "what if?" because i did everything and nothing depends on me anymore.

i appreciate the one true friend and the three wonderful families which i know i can always trust on. and i appreciate Örjan though i can't categorize him. not that bad in the end.

i appreciate my friends here. now even more than ever. they see me as this little spoiled brat, princess, annoying person that is always using others just to please her wishes, mostly late, way too honest and way too demanding. but they love me for who i am. and they know ill be always there for them. no conflicts. no anger. no arguments.

when i lived in swe there were two guys that had this amazing friendship - we...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-20

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so my visit to swe deserves attention to be paid.
not like i am in the state to actually write anything but senseless.
those 2 days were the unhappiest in the entire year. i rather go to china where i don't know anyone but hence i don't have to face the deception and get my illusions destroyed.

yes, i am naive. and having way too much faith in people. but i like that. like those are the few qualities that prove me not being a selfish egoistic person. but that i keep stepping on the same rakes all over again for 4 years, i mean seriously, i must be an idiot.

and then there is another heart breaking factor.
end of fooling myself and beginning of living in reality would be the foundation.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-17

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is what i'm doing. really want to enjoy the time i got left here. and it is amazing. love it.

p.s. what the hell is wrong with gals who simply refuse to say what they're upset about, instead they just get annoying with this you-should-know-why-i-ain't-talkin-to-you attitude and that so pisses me off. ffs, yell, argue, be mad, break things, whatever, just get the anger out! what am i supposed to do when they do that? like go an apologize? yeah right, if you actually care that much to go an apologize, then, yes, only then the word floods are not to be stopped. yes, then they start yelling and being all such victims. and if yelling is where it's going anyway, why gals can't just start with it? would make things a lot easier and skip the "i'm sorry, but i get the vibe you're mad at me. is there something i've done?" part. ush. gotta get thicker skin and care less.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-11

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lately i have been living for 110%. like the saying "live each day as if it was the last, because one day really will" gets an entirely new meaning. when i think about it, i'd have no regrets or what so ever about my life. i feel blessed. i feel special. and there is nothing i can complain about, which hopelessly makes my blog boring.

here's the picture:
evening, you watch the snowflakes falling, holding a glass of good old whiskey, a cigarette, breathe in deeply. got good music, good coy. and you feel alive. feel the somehow pleasurable pain in the muscles, that actually makes you feel alive; the mist in your too-little-sleep-once-again-damn-it head. joking in a way only damn good friends joke. feeling close. feeling safe. just taking the most from life. enjoying.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-09

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