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moments to share, moments to care

usually my best ideas strike me in the bathroom or shower. and if i'm lucky independently from the previous fact, i can solve a problem/situation or i see the reasoning for something that has happened a long time ago very clearly even though i might have been very dissatisfied with it at that time.

anyhow. putting these both together - i came down to a conclusion that everything happens for a reason. this i am saying because for a long time i used to blame myself for breaking up with the swedish/bosnian guy. but the truth is, i was idealizing him too much to see what really happened at that time. first of all, apparently i wasn't happy in the relationship. the entire summer sucked for me big time. like BIG time. i remember drinking a lot in the evenings to prevent from freaking out in the nights. but he never really got me. he never understood my loneliness. nor any other of my feelings.
the break up was logical. of course i wanted out. away. whatever makes that shit end. it took way too much emotions...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-06

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before my head hit the pillow last night, i was amazed of how awesome my day was yesterday. somehow, i wake up with moral hangover. not that i did anything. or did i? anyhow, i am disappointed in myself. apparently something is wrong, else i wouldn't feel this dissatisfied.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-06

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so the past days have been different. really amazing, full of surprises and unexpected events. i have been enjoying.
we went to pick up a lot of things in the neighborhood and went to my grandma's grave which was very nice. i miss her and my other grandma. feels like the time has been stolen from me and visiting them there is the only way of me showing the appreciation.

then again. new year's eve turned out a little wilder than expected. some people showed up unexpected, starting with the guy who is hopelessly in love with me and ending with my dad. i still don't know which one gave me more headache. or was it that unfortunately both previous persons interacted with each other WHICH was an event i never even had in my worst nightmares. damn. well. i guess no harm done in the end. just that the latter thinks that the former is a kind guy with absolutely no self respect what so ever and that i am simply too much fire for him (sweet said, btw).

i went to church after the magical 00.00. it was magical as...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-01-01

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just like I assumed, I have kept thinking about my classmate. Why, how, what? And if there is a way back. when my personal feelings/emotions were finally set aside, the picture was way clearer. first of all: the reasons why he changed were quite clear from the beginning: the environment. if he has to fight for his life on daily basis, that hardens. plus if there are no sincere people around him, there is no one to look up to.

but here is the key that i had not noticed: he cares. and by caring i don't mean cute and cuddly how-are-you thingy. i mean that he is not nonchalant. yes, there is anger, revenge, humiliation, disappointment, frustration. but there ain't a tiny bit of nonchalance. while there are emotions - positive or negative - he is still on the right path. he is still a human being. while he calls his ex a whore, there is still a chance, however absurd it sounds.

the end will come when he will be able to put aside the insults and plan his revenge with no emotions involved. when he will be...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-30

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once upon a time there was a classmate of mine. a nice guy. kind, naive, but warm hearted, funny and always there to help out.
i met him yesterday. he wasn't the same.
cold hearted, mean, revengeful, self rightious. i would have never guessed.
according to him, he will go over dead bodies to reach his goal. his ex is a whore and there is no such a thing as true friendship. damn! i wonder how much shit he has taken during the past 3-4 years that have made him like this. and i truly feel sorry for him. he was one fo the rare guys in my class that had the potential to remain the kindest and nicest person throughout the lifetime. like however deep shit i was i could still call him and talk to him.
but now..

i still cannot believe it. he thinks that now he finally has a backbone. knows how to manipulate people. will hit twice as hard back if being hit.

i am truly sorry. apparently he has had a lack of sincere people around him and that has toughened him. i still believe has has a way back to become...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-28

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this apartment that i used to call the Lap of the Abraham was fixed and for now i feel good here. what has changed? i always associated this place with all my terrible childhood memories and set them as the reason i felt uncomfortable here. never wanted to stay longer than just for the laundry or cup of coffee.
few days ago i finally had the time and the urge to fix up the place. put up all the furniture, unpack boxes of hidden treasure, clean the dusty dark corners and yes, suddenly and miraculously it feels like home here. i have even given up on my student dorm for the rest of the year. the only things i still miss are my viola and speakers and the former is gonna arrive soon.

i look around and all this furniture and tiny thingies remind me of the incredible time i spent with my good ol' creator D.A.D. :) it reminds me of the evenings he played "freecell". the nights when i fell asleep by him playing the organ or guitar in the room next to mine. the dog who used to lick my carpet, gosh how i hated...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-26

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christamas eve rocked. if i ever write a book, the person i was by is going to be one of the characters. i love my life. i loved christmas, i got more than i could ever ask for. i am in peace with myself and everything is just perfect.

new year resolutions:
stop listening and interacting unless it is really worth it
stop screwing with ppls (read: guys') heads
stop being aggressive

care less and sleep more

next year's activities:
long holidays
trip to sweden
trip to norway
trip to freaking f**king greece
trip to coldplay's
4th and final bachelor year starting

how bad can this be? freaking awesome.
love my life.

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-25

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regeneration takes more time an energy than i calculated first. im still tired and can't wait for the christmas rush to end. i feel awesome in my student dorm, it has really become my home. a few big things have happened into my weird twisted mind.
so first of all: i have let several ppl damage my life over a period of time. by comparing mine with theirs. by letting them correct me and by letting them look down on me. i have been amazingly blind and trusting the wrong ppl - ppl who arent really interested in my well being, just in their own awesomeness. so im dont with that. at least one person.

second. i met some very nice ppl this weekend. made me realize i aint that awesome :) but made me realize the things i can still learn, which is good. learning is good. development is good.

soulmate. i think i have one. pretty sure. but it is complicated. my fave tv series says: if it's not complicated, he probably isn't a soulmate.
painfully true.

i'm going to coldplay in 22nd of august.
my life...

Skrivet av arlona, 2008-12-23

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