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moments to share, moments to care

i had a dream tonight. or a nightmare. a few of them actually. saw things that i had forgotten or that i never think about.

but here it was: i saw 2 people - me and another person. and i saw a dog, who apparently belonged to us. and i saw a car crushing the dog. i saw the dog on the sidewalk. he was still alive, but obviously his spine was broken, or what do i know from the pet anatomy. in any case, he was bleeding from his spine. and breathing. the other person in my dream went up to the dog, sat down and tried caressing, hence enlightening the pain. the dog was yelping by every touch because logically they were causing incredible amount of pain. i sat down the person and the dog. i was watching the dog and the person crying.

the dog was dieing.

i knew that i was supposed to kill it at that moment. to stop the suffering.

fuck. the dream felt so real.

could i kill him? and if, how could i? should i break the spine by digging in my heel into the leftovers of its spine? should i take a hammer...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-04-26

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i don't learn from my mistakes.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-04-20

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a lot of things have changed in my life. and so have i. and it's a good change. the best thing is that i actually learn from my mistakes. i remember writing about how i let one specific person affect my life way too much than it was healthy. and now i feel the situation repeating itself again, except for me actually being on top of things and not letting pointless things affect me. thumbs up.

more and more i realize that it is hard to find the people that share your values. which is important. values are what we base our lives upon. i think i am smart enough to play my cards right and get along very good with people that i feel disgust or disrespect for, but that seems like a very hypocritical thing to do, which is just not the way i like to do it. so here is the question: am i supposed to try getting along nice with everyone, for the sake of everyone, even if it includes pretending? let's say: i am trying to avoid this person, because i don't like pretending. and to be honest: if we turn the situation...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-03-25

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previously i already said that living is what you take from life. you will die!!! very soon! definitely sooner than you think!
and the reason why i am saying this, is because with pride i can admit that obviously i am doing everything to put these words into action. planning trips and actions in sooner and not that soon future and all of it seems like it is filling up my life to the top. that's all i want to do - live it completely. if God blesses me to live until 80, i don't care if i'm an old lady sitting in her wheelchair and petting her cat. at least i will have some damn good memories from when my legs were functioning and my body was full of strength.

there is nothing but your life.
do you really want to spend it by pc? pile of papers? and die as if you never lived?

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-03-15

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new years resolutions are a damn good thing. at least i'm sticking to mine. sleeping more and caring less has done me some good job. no seriously. although, all the time i feel like i've reached the peak of my personality development, thinking, that now, right now, i'm the most awesome it gets, and then, 6 months later, i look back with a grin of how could i think that and that now is the peak. but i guess, it's positive, means my development is good. at least there is some.

there are so many things i want to learn, so many places to go, i'm looking into the future and seeing myself what i will be like when i'm 50 years old and i can just give myself thumbs up, cuz i like what i see.

maybe this feeling is temporary.
but i love it.

so many things to do.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-03-14

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I wonder how it comes that there are good days and not that good days. is it the capability of appreciating small things that make the day or is it big problems that take the sun away from the sky?
in theory the answer is simple: everything depends on attitude.
but how big measures are we talking about? and what does impact it?

is it that one huge mistake can lead to depression?
is it that one small good thing can take you out of it?

or is it that you try harder to see the good things around you when you're on a good mood? how to keep this feeling? is it necessary?

yesterday i was completely down. i've fucked up a lot of relationships around me. and somehow once again, feels like the only thing i can hide in, is music. that one has still never let me down. never has. never will. it is demanding. but the relationship to music is clear. it holds no grudge. it is never disappointed. and it is there, whenever you turn to it.

today i am fine. happy as a clam. clapping on my shoulder and saying:...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-03-09

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failing at life sucks. you, or ppl besides you, can try convincing you that "you're so damn good at piano, skating, writing, bla bla bla" and which is very nice of course in case it's the latter, it might give you the sense of comfort for a while, but however hard you try to convince yourself, you know, that how good you are at things that can be counted on fingers don't mean a shit. you can play pool? swim faster? smart? pretty? talented? pfe, suck it. does that make you a better person? not a tiny bit. it might sound like I'm bitter at life. I'm not, or at least that's what I'd like to think. just tired of it and the two of us don't get along too well.

they say that deadline is a power. and i'd agree because of experience. if you have to do a thing over unlimited period of time, you just let it be. do a little thing once and then, maybe. but as soon as there is a deadline, we pull the crap together, sit down and work until it's done.

so.. how about our lives? we feel that it is an unlimited period of...

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-27

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with every evening passing i just feel like passing away more and more. the reasons for me not doing anything stupid here is the problematic carrying of my worthless body back and the disappointment which my dad would feel. and the thought that i can still turn this depression into a valuable art. i feel like my journey is over. there is nothing left for me to do. i don't need or want help. it is fine the way it is. it is the way it's supposed to be.

Skrivet av arlona, 2009-02-21

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