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moments to share, moments to care

revelations continue.

my life is living my mother's dream, fulfilling her goals in order to be loved.
i didn't want the bachelor's, didn't strive for the master's. didn't strive for the property. didn't strive for any of it.

but this necessity to please her fantasy of me (which was never good enough) kept spreading. i started pleasing other people - my partners at the time, society. and hating them for having to do so although no one ever required anything from me. aside from my mother.

now i live m own life. make my own choices. and there is a lot to choose from.

this is a magical time. to understand what i truly want, who i am, who i want to be.
i'm not rushing to let go everything i have, first i want to understand what things i truly like and what are in my life as a projection of the dysfunctional childhood.

i am also so blessed with my man who is there for me.
for the first time, i'm not expecting anything from my partner, not waiting for him to "save me" or tell me what to do. i'm...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-07

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since i can remember myself, i've been at war with myself.
mind has been active 24/7, analyzing, overthinking, preparing for attacks, seeking for potential dangers.
i didn't allow myself to feel true emotions, in fear they weren't as they are "supposed to be". my mind controlled who was i allowed to be, how to feel, what to think, and punish myself heavily if it didn't match the expectations.

it is over now.
the danger has ended. my mind can finally rest.
feelings can float freely.

and there is no such thing as wrong feelings.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-05

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although this year started off weirdly and continued with some insanity as a stinky burp from the previous year, what followed has been life changing.

- i got help. i met someone who helped me realize i'm an alcoholic. i got treatment, help and support, and i am sober. i'm attending aa meetings, where i discovered the most wonderful, honest and greatest people i've met in a long time.

- i also realized i am a person who comes from a dysfunctional family. my life is often lead by fear, manipulations, seeking excitement and dangerous situations. i fear angry people, live in guilt, am way too critical of myself and others, seek for approval and live life from the victim's point on view. therapy never helped and never would help - since i kept seeking the parents whose love i missed so much - therefore a therapist would only fill the role of my imaginary caring parent. but i found help for that as well.

- i admitted i have bulimia mixing with other eating disorder. i got help for that.

- finally i...

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-06-01

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in most cases, a woman will be stronger than a man.
she will be more responsible, more mature, more disciplined and emotionally free.

a woman should never expect a man to be stronger than her.
she should never await a man to "save" her.
she will rather warmly smile when her man acts as a boy, accept his flaws, weaknesses and cherish him for all the respectful, amazing, and admirable traits he possesses.

a woman is the keeper of the family.
the roots of the home.

the woman.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-05-15

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i'm starting to recognize myself.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-05-06

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it took me 4 therapists, one of which told me that drinking is ok and taking drugs is ok.
it took me 31 years.
and it took me a caring ex who brought me to the best advice giver i've had over a very long time.

love yourself with the kind of love you wish others gave you.
treat yourself the way you wish to be treated.
take responsibility for your life.
have healthy relationships.
draw boundaries.
take "timeout" when you feel things are not completely right.

and praise yourself for the things you do well.

love yourself.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-05-02

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goodbye misery.

welcome, amazing life. i'm really enjoying you.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-04-04

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the situation doesn't control me anymore.
i control it.

Skrivet av arlona, 2018-03-24

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