from daily thoughts:
today, God, guide me in my giving. help me give to others in healthy ways. help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what i can afford."
i've always been proud of my honesty, but further exploration has brought me to the knees even in this aspect.
further on quotes from Bill V.
"honesty can be used as a tool of horrific self delusion. for example, the type of honesty that is not rooted in considerat
today i practice respectful honesty towards myself and others.
and the last one.
i grew up in a family with a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive parent.
living in fear and waiting for the ticking time bomb, keeping my feelings bottled and being unable to express them turned me into a neurotic person. and eventually i became a time bomb myself, since i hadn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, deal with my emotions, a lot had been bottled up and i saw threats where they were none or exaggerated situations.
now i no longer need to survive.
patience and gratitude.
reading a lot is just messing with my head :)
1) "you think too much" -
this really made me smile. thank god i have the blog, the sisters, the club, and my wall to make my thinking productive.
3) reacting -
time to act not react.
nb! last two parts (and some thoughts from the previous blog entries) are inspired by the book "codependent no more" by melody beattie.
i am responsible for leading my life and the fact that i am or aren't living it.
we give the power of our lives over to someone else.
thus we make our happiness someone else's responsibi
how about we take two great, kind, loving, caring people. people who start a relationship with each other out of love, and also feel like they take care of the other person (but do not notice the other person does the same thing). they are both selfless and make sacrifices just for the other person to be happy and fulfilled. they might even start the relationship by taking responsibi
they give and they are understand
they can start to lie and manipulate because being honest about their own needs makes them feel guilty and ashamed. they don't want to hurt the other person, but by trying to avoid the honest truth they hurt each other and themselves even more. they occasionally try to steal small moments for themselves, because they are tired of that is known to the world as Karpman's drama triangle -
they are both really great people. but after a while this relationship brings no joy to either of them. they can get depressed because their needs aren't met. they don't recognize themselves. they think they are so responsible but they aren't -
deep inside these both persons know the other person isn't "bad". they know the other person is full of great traits. knowing the other person is great, gives them a reason to continue. imagine those two selfless giving codependents trying to break up -
they are not bad people.
it's not easy to find happiness within yourself.
life is really great. yes, a lot of time is spent on recovery. but health is only one of 3 priorities
i love my job. if i thought that drinking made me a productive and creative alcoholic, then my productivity and creativity increased by 500% when i stopped drinking.
ok, hold the horses, there was plenty of energy, preparedne
lucky for me, my direct manager has worked for one of the biggest and most successful companies of the world and his thinking is open, futuristic, efficient, positive and just the type of thinking i'm so fond of, and once a week i can ask him anything.
i had two chaotic lists of some excellent, some good and some fairly average ideas. i talked to him and got some structure, set priorities and a plan of action, as well as additional suggestions. got a list of books to read (one of which "delivering happiness" by Tony Hsieh blew my mind as well as "the culture code" by daniel coyle, and there are many more waiting in line), applied for several courses and conferences, and have taken my role at work to a completely next level by fully using my potential and growing profession
when reading i switch the topics of the book from work related -
i've made one more list: the list of qualities of a respectable person with self confidence. plain and simple. it was black on white what traits i respected, what i possessed and what i lacked (but could work on) to gain more self confidence. there was no place for fake humility, because despite many things i hate about myself, there were some good qualities as well (and surprise, surprise, none of those traits had anything to do with looks or weight). seeing what i lacked wasn't a tragedy. it was something i could work on gradually over time to achieve.
today i remember: progress, not perfection. one day at the time.
there are several basic reasons for that (these are not my own personal ideas however they apply in a personal manner):
so that's about the personalit
and addict is expert in denial, rationaliz
1) denial -
a human being will always choose less suffering, rather than more suffering. but for an addict, sobriety means more suffering (stepping out from the deformed reality of the world and oneself, taking responsibi
this is just one of the reasons why a person cannot quit an addiction by himself. it can really destroy a person.
all religion aside, a human being aside from all other animals, is a spiritual being. he has the ability to be selfless, to suppress his bodily needs for the sake of a higher value (not fuck everything that moves, not take anything he sees), to give instead of take.
change doesn't happen overnight.
nb. info based on: "Addictive Thinking: Understand
this blog has been my diary for the past 10 years, so if you've read it, you know more about me than the last 12 steps. however, when i see the number of people who have read (and still read) my posts but never leave a comment -
i love bragging about my new life. i really do. but what feeds my ego is what destroys me. so truth shall set me free.
but i have only fucked up life really bad when under influence.
and i could not stop.
my only options were to seek help or give in and die.
if you feel like you have a problem with drinking or your friend or family member is suffering, reach out -
i cannot cure anyone but i can gladly share my story in detail or answer any questions about my recovery to people who really need it. once upon a time this blog was sometimes read by some people that know me -
if you have any further questions feel free to scribble a line to: arlona.blo
5 months ago i gave up all medication
they say one doesn't deserve a medal for acting normal.
this kind of dysfunction develops a set of "survival skills", e.g. if i asked for anything and was mocked for my request, i quickly learned that i can obtain my desired object through manipulation or lies in order to skip being ridiculed. i learned that admitting my failures and flaws was punishable and that blaming billy for my broken glasses (lost wallet, bad grades) ended in me not being punished and billy punched in the face. i learned that being honest about my feelings was a crime and a weakness. so i started suppressing my feelings and acting depending on what was favorable in a particular situation.
i started seeking approval in wrong places, in fear from isolation i either became isolated or pushed people away in order to be one, i looked at life from victim's point of view while hating everyone else who played a victim, i was either a Savior, focusing on other person's life and flaws to fix or i was too egocentric to be able to look at my own flaws, yet i was very critical of myself and others, i either tried to get rid of a relationship in order to avoid being hurt, or did everything to stay even in an unhealthy one. i got addicted to excitement, at the same time i numbed my true feelings by expressing "pseudo feelings". i reacted where there was nothing to react about, etc.
these things were deeply rooted and the awareness of them was the first step of change. however i no longer need to survive and suppress my feelings and pretend i am better or someone else. many of thee traits have already changed and freed me. it is amazing what it means to live being honest with myself and not having to survive.
i can be who i am.
however, to stay sober i need to give up my ego, pride, admit my flaws, ask for forgiveness, dismiss fantasies, serve, keep working to live in harmony with myself and others. every day. and sometimes it bites.
nothing is ever as good as it seems, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
today i thank God, as i understand him, for my 100 days of sobriety.
Förvånande för många är att evangelierna handlar om att ge upp fiktionen om självet och förlora det i Hans kärlek som i den meningen är objektiv, universell -
Men vid ungefär samma tid skriver Thomas Gibson Bowles, journalist och tidskrifts
"A REAL man is always alone in the world. Were he not he
Det är värt att notera hur denna fiktiva plattform skapas i kaos. Men ännu större kaos följer förstås på denna mentala isolering som hans "selfhood" skapas genom.
what others think, do or feel is none of my business. i cannot nor should i control it, influence it or worry about it. freedom.
instead i am busy with fulfilling my own needs and following the path of Higher Power. my shortcomings are no longer a proof of a failure, they are crumbs to be dusted away one by one.
i no longer have to worry about the day or it's outcome, i rely that everything, each person, event or happening is sent by Higher Power, so there is no point worrying.
forgiving myself. forgiving everyone else. letting peace, joy and faith take over.
today and everyday i ask God to let me rely on him through every hour of the day. whatever news i might receive, let me accept them with harmony and conviction that it is God's will. lead me and teach me how to pray, believe, hope, forgive and love.
for the first time, i stood up for myself.
this was so unlike me. usually i would pretend everything is fine for 10-
not this time.
and the funny thing -
i think my new awesome hair have added some edge to my personality :)
today i thank my Higher Power for the strength, faith, confidence, self respect, boundaries and a new healthy outlook on life and other people provided to me.
I can honestly say that one of the most beautiful things about recovery is never looking back, but finding a way to move on.
I don't have to ask: why is the house torn down? Who did it? When did the hurricane start? The fact is, the house is torn down. Finding out why won't fix it. Just like blaming my childhood, parents, school kids or failed relationsh
Today I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me and for the tools to start every day fresh.
With every day, I had started taking better care of myself. The two main priorities were a healthy body (eating and sports) and my job.
So what now? I was frustrated by myself, making immense progress in all other fields, yet slipping back into my old patterns of acting out, living in guilt and not changing anything. I felt particularly bad since my man had literally noticed my issues straight away, taken a depressed alcoholic junkie, shaken her to the core in the most gentle way possible and been there every step of my recovery.
Thanks to the Higher Power, my mentor had the answer. Just like I consist of a parent and child, so does my partner. Just like I want to achieve profession
Today I am loving the child in me and being a loving parent. Today I thank my Higher Power for a new understand
it is time to face the next addiction and illness: sugar and anorexia/b
after analyzing my finances for several months, i realized i spent around 500 eur per month for booze, cigarettes and "unnecessary food".
i am going back to a 5th grader's thinking -
from strict self discipline i went to allowing myself anything -
there are many people who can enjoy comfort without getting obsessed with it. i am not one of those people. i am an addict, meaning that once i get "into something", i cannot stop. it was around 4 years ago i started little by little giving up discipline and giving into small comfortable things -
but oh well, no one is to blame. the illness is what it is and it acts out and consumes me if i do not treat it. getting into the addictive comfort is easy, getting out of it -
today i ask myself: what can i do today different from yesterday? how can i step out of useless, destructive, boring routine that is no good for me?
and most importantly: what is good for me today?