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2018-07-19 14:07 - arlona
dear ex

i will not contact you in person, knowing how badly each time of our communication has ended, knowing the urge to fake a better person than i am in front of you, how many dishonest apologies i have already made without actually making a difference, as well as i respect the life you are leading and know my interference even with good intentions might cause only harm.
however, i owe you an honest apology, out of responsibility, not out of guilt.

i am an alcoholic. you met me as one and knowing it takes one week up to one month for body and brain to sober up, you never saw me sober. my behaviors and thoughts were controlled by alcohol and dysfunctional illness, and i was covering it up by a convenient victim's role, making constant excuses and justifications to my actions. i manipulated you to begin with, intentionally taking you away from your family. and i kept manipulating, since i didn't know how to ask for something honestly while waving the huge flag of honesty in your face. i lied and humiliated you. i overstepped boundaries. i crossed privacy. i ridiculed you. i was proud, arrogant, fake, judgmental, critical, resentful, revengeful. i hit you. i intervened with your family. i lived in a fantasy of who i am and got mad when the reality didn't fit my imagination. i had a huge Napoleon's complex, and over time it got harder and harder to admit how wrong i was. i played the victim's card to cover up my hurtful actions. all those things i ask your forgiveness for.

the last time we met, in addition to alcohol, antidepressants, tranquilizers and sleeping pills, i was already using something stronger. i was facing a dark pit of nothingness and pulled you there along with me. forgive me for the grand one-man-show i put up so many times. i was egoistic, thinking only of myself and using you to cover up my own misery. forgive me for that.

but most of all, even if everything else falls into past and gets covered by dust, i ask you to forgive me for the last fight we had.
i lied. i faked it all. i assume you already knew then. but i cannot go on with my road of sobriety thinking that there would be even a tiny part of you having believed my lies. outweighing the importance and credibility of my lies and potential harm caused by me contacting you, i believe this is the best way.

i hope you can forgive me.

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2018-07-19 13:36 - arlona
step #8 - list

only now i realize the magnitude of the harm i've caused to others, hiding in the victim's role.
and there is lots of it.
it wasn't hard to list all the people i've harmed, nor to admit those harms to myself and God.

i hope they can forgive me.
i have forgiven myself, willing to ask for forgiveness and make amends where it is possible and causes no additional harm.

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2018-07-17 22:30 - arlona
step #7 - pray

i prayed for my flaws to be removed. even went to a church and accidentally participated in a christening/baptizing ceremony, and it seemed that the words from the priest were meant for me personally.
however, then the usual service started and i left. Holy Trinity, Resurrection, Virgin Mary and Holy Church are still terms I don't understand, much less believe in them.

a bit disappointing ending to something what once again was a delusional fantasy of my napoleon ego.

all of my character flaws were not removed at once then and there.
on Monday i woke up once again with the huge, demanding, hungry ego with the resulting consequences, reminding me that it is the Higher Power who is the director of my life, deciding when and how the flaws will be removed.

it is not up to me anymore.

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2018-07-14 23:51 - arlona
step #6 - flaws

listing my flaws for God to remove was the next step.

i feel emptied. but i also have no idea who i am.
i can no longer laugh, my jokes were venomous, sarcastic, filled with hidden resentment, envy and superiority.
i can no longer dance, play viola, do things i used to - they were done out of pure acting, tries of seduction or something that "was approved to be good" by others. even meeting friends was one big act to brag or complain. a tragically sad stand-up comedy.

without the ego, there are few joys now until i learn how to live honestly and build life from a scratch - listening to music, sunsets, wind, the smell of the nature, my dopey dog, great, refreshing sleep and shower, long walks, candlelight and a few more things that don't involve boosting an empty ego or any other of my flaws.

but joy will come.
i am ready for God to remove my flaws and take the next step.

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2018-07-14 17:22 - arlona
step #5 - admittance

writing down all my fears, angers, flaws and failures was difficult enough but also freeing.
to finally empty that huge sack of darkness i've been carrying around me for years.

admitting it to a person i trust deeply with my wrongdoings was a natural step for me. i let someone else see all that darkness. it is quite miraculous to comprehend it was possible.

every day further from the illusions.

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2018-07-11 10:07 - arlona
step #4 - moral inventory

by far the most difficult, painful and rewarding step i have taken.

listing all my angers, fears, resentments, and in the end, all hurtful actions i have caused has removed (almost) all illusion i had of myself. seeing that i am far from perfect, with many delusional beliefs of myself and others, the lack of responsibility i took for my life and the blame i put the other. and total lack of healthy boundaries.

i am no longer a victim. of my childhood, failed intimate relationships or friendships, everyday mishaps, employees, colleagues, teachers, anything.

only i am responsible for my own happiness, and my feelings and their expressions is the only thing i can and should influence. i've lost all anger, fear, resentment. but i also feel no guilt, blame, shame.
i've stepped out of the extremes of being "super awesome" and "piece of shit".

i just am. just like everyone else.

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2018-07-05 23:19 - Satanen
Valet 2018

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2018-07-04 15:46 - ingenperson

Dana Cosenza kallar vår fiktiva person "The Phantom Man" och när något hotar denna fantom kommer en rad försvar igång som starka instinkter. Argument, teologi, filosofi, vardagsvisdom från samtidskulturen, alla möjliga resurser kallas in för att hålla kvar myten om personen oberoende av omgivningen.

Och detta försvarsarbete är förstås tungt och krävande. Sållet läcker, det fiktiva innehållet om vilka vi är och vad vi vill rinner alltid ut så småningom. När livet självt får strömma som det vill händer följande: det visar sig på ett avslappnat sätt att fiktionen inte behövs och inte innehåller något av större värde för glädjen och friden. Snarare är den ett hinder. Livets ljus flödar bättre när hindret är borta.

Dana Cosenza påpekar att fantomsmärtor finns och känns verkliga. Fantombilder är ibland starka. Men de är inte verkliga, de är fiktioner. När Jesus ber oss följa honom, ger vi upp fantompersonen. Inte göra något särskilt, endast ge upp fiktionen. Lättare utan, mer ljus, mer liv, helt enkelt evighet.

Men fantompersonen känner bara till det förgångna eller det framtida, hon eller han finns alltid i minnen eller planering av framtid. En nuvarande evighet är för tråkigt och rentav mördande tråkigt. När den fiktiva personen ska ha trevligt så är det fråga om minnen och spekulation om nära eller fjärran framtid, aldrig det verkliga livet nu. För det finns ingenting att säga i den fiktiva personens språk om det som endast är levande här. Det år komplett, fullödigt och någon separat person har ingenting att göra där.

Ändå är det eviga livet det verkliga och det rena livet. Det är den Väg, den Sanning och det Liv som Jesus talar om och själv är.

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2018-06-29 19:38 - arlona
you gotta

so tired of the "you have to (fill in the rest)".

no. i don't have to do anything.

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2018-06-18 15:14 - arlona
step #3 - higher power

we are born hearing the concept of God - the ideological, biblical, religious persona, mirroring himself in various cultures all over the world, his image exploited violently and his name used in vain. no wonder so many people refuse believing in his existence.

i struggled with God's existence. raised in a christian family, religion was a part of my upbringing i so desperately tried to shake off in my early 20ties.

turns out God can be anything i believe he is. as long as i believe that there is power stronger and higher than me - power that moves forces in this world, that shows in the amazing humanity, nature, music. that makes wonders happen. God that does not have to follow any scripture or rules.

my God has saved me. i have entrusted my whole life in His hands. i no longer try to control anything, He is the Director of my life. the moment i let go of my worries and truly put my worries in his hands, i felt how faith works.

and it is my utmost duty to take care of myself and be good to myself as one of his creations.

may my road, health, life and work serve as a proof of His mightiness, love and power.

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2018-06-17 22:18 - arlona
step #2 - serenity

next task - pay attention to situations where serenity is telling one thing, yet i still do differently.

this was world changing.
it took me 2 hours to get to the first very, very plainly obvious example.
observing and listening to serenity helped me become calmer, patient, avoid anger outbreaks when something goes wrong.

simplest example - don't put a coffee cup on the couch (even if it is for 10 seconds until fetching the tv remote) when one can put it on the table.
the cup falling will only cause anger, spoiled couch and annoyance.

i'm following serenity.
it takes me to the path of peace, patience and steadiness.

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2018-06-11 08:23 - arlona
step #1 - weaknesses

every day understand and point out things that i am powerless of. things i cannot control.

this brought me closer to the serenity prayer.

at first it seemed plain, i cannot control other people, environment, and my own emotions. it became a lot more interesting when this became a practical task.
i realized there is no need for disappointment, anger, sadness, because a lot of things - a friend being late, a colleague being sloppy, a long line at the store, dog having pooped on the floor, me being in a bad mood after waking up - all of them were outside my control so there was no need for expressing the unpleasant feelings i might feel about these things.

sometimes i was powerless of my dysfunctional thinking. sometimes i was powerless of my disposition to alcohol, food, cigarettes, emotional addiction - however i could control my actions and how i behave, if i give in to these temptations or not.

i learned not to force, control, restrict myself. i'm rather feeling to what my body wants and why. is it a dysfunctional craving? am i scared, worried, tired? has it anything to do with reality? can i control it?

feeling and understanding myself honestly has been a blessing, it has helped me treating myself with greater love and care instead of pressure.

it is also easier to let go of things that i can't control.

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2018-06-07 21:42 - arlona
mother - daugther

revelations continue.

my life is living my mother's dream, fulfilling her goals in order to be loved.
i didn't want the bachelor's, didn't strive for the master's. didn't strive for the property. didn't strive for any of it.

but this necessity to please her fantasy of me (which was never good enough) kept spreading. i started pleasing other people - my partners at the time, society. and hating them for having to do so although no one ever required anything from me. aside from my mother.

now i live m own life. make my own choices. and there is a lot to choose from.

this is a magical time. to understand what i truly want, who i am, who i want to be.
i'm not rushing to let go everything i have, first i want to understand what things i truly like and what are in my life as a projection of the dysfunctional childhood.

i am also so blessed with my man who is there for me.
for the first time, i'm not expecting anything from my partner, not waiting for him to "save me" or tell me what to do. i'm not threatened by his past, and anxieties, when such arise, are managable to work through before they get out of hand. i still get my tantrums sometimes, but i have them on my own - seeing so clearly the "parent" in me yelling at the "child" in me in disappointment, despair and anger. but this never goes out to anyone else, least to my man.
for the first time i have healthy boundaries, trust, respect, honesty towards myself and him.
and there is no theater.

i have started loving myself, which is resulting in me trying to understand my own needs and cater to them, before throwing my life away in order to please someone else.

there is still a long way to go.
but it's the right way.

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2018-06-05 14:49 - arlona
end of war

since i can remember myself, i've been at war with myself.
mind has been active 24/7, analyzing, overthinking, preparing for attacks, seeking for potential dangers.
i didn't allow myself to feel true emotions, in fear they weren't as they are "supposed to be". my mind controlled who was i allowed to be, how to feel, what to think, and punish myself heavily if it didn't match the expectations.

it is over now.
the danger has ended. my mind can finally rest.
feelings can float freely.

and there is no such thing as wrong feelings.

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although this year started off weirdly and continued with some insanity as a stinky burp from the previous year, what followed has been life changing.

- i got help. i met someone who helped me realize i'm an alcoholic. i got treatment, help and support, and i am sober. i'm attending aa meetings, where i discovered the most wonderful, honest and greatest people i've met in a long time.

- i also realized i am a person who comes from a dysfunctional family. my life is often lead by fear, manipulations, seeking excitement and dangerous situations. i fear angry people, live in guilt, am way too critical of myself and others, seek for approval and live life from the victim's point on view. therapy never helped and never would help - since i kept seeking the parents whose love i missed so much - therefore a therapist would only fill the role of my imaginary caring parent. but i found help for that as well.

- i admitted i have bulimia mixing with other eating disorder. i got help for that.

- finally i admitted my main addiction, every other addiction and dysfunction has originated from is emotional addiction and fear of abandonment. in a relationship:
- it is never enough of the person i'm with
- i lose myself and adapt to the other person
- i experience fear to lose the other person (thus myself)
- low self confidence
- wish to control and own the other person

and deeply understanding this is an addiction, not true love, i provoke the person in every way to leave me, hating myself for the addiction - until the fear of abandonment kicks in.

being and alcoholic is the best thing that happened to me, it forced me to be honest to myself, forced me to get help and deal with my issues by myself instead of hoping that my potential or existing partner will solve them for me. this is a time of blessing, a time of emotional intervention, a time for learning to love myself, forgive myself, be there for myself and be a very caring, loving parent to myself.

a parent that will never leave.

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2018-05-31 23:02 - Satanen

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