this blog server will be shut down in 5 days.
for me, it is an end of an era. i have spent the past 10 years here, describing my life, events, people, experiences, thoughts, hopes, resentments, problems and solutions. this place was the deep dark corner of my life -
as i believe that God puts things into perspective, this is what is supposed to happen. maybe some of you will finally say goodbye to me. maybe some of you will have a reason to contact me in person. in a way it is a relief, since these entries have been very intimate and exposed my deepest emotions and some of the entries reached almost 8000 views, leaving me perplexed and feeling naked.
i will still write. writing is therapeutic. in a way, writing is who i am.
thank you for being the best audience a person can wish for.
although the entries here are sometimes dramatic, sad and deep, my life has improved greatly.
one of the things i really wished for in my life was the ability to talk to everyone in my life equally -
rather share ideas, notions, values, experiences. listen more.
life is playful. life is fun. life is great.
the most important ethical task of your life is to deal with your own shadow, and not make others responsible for it. otherwise you'll always harm and blame others. this is something you must do on your own. if you fail to do this, if you fail to admit it for what it is, and give it the place it deserves -
the more i tried to fight it and pretend i'm fine, the worse it got.
i am also very grateful to everyone who doesn't resent me, and what is even more important -
so many great people in my life.
one of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. in denial, there is bliss. in anger, there is some sense of power. in bargaining, i am thrown between believing there is something i can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
if i will do this, that will happen.
i do big, small, and all kinds of things, sometimes crazy things to avoid the pain involved with accepting reality. there is no substitute for accepting reality.
today, i pray i can let go and accept the reality as inconvenient as i find it.
they say "never push loyal employees to the point they don't care"
generally i agree.
we live in a rapid time where change is like a huge wave of tsunami, strong and inevitable -
so before you hang out your loyalty flag, think again. is it the company, state, person you are loyal to? or are you loyal to yourself, your status, your position, living in comfort, afraid of change?
i hope this will be the last entry of that mind blowing book. i'm not even half way there, but it keeps blowing my mind.
"Let us try to translate the most famous line of American Declaration of Independence into biological terms:
We hold there truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
According to the science of biology, people were not "created". They have evolved. And they certainly did not evolve to be "equal". The idea of equality is inextricably intertwined with the idea of creation. The Americans got the idea of equality from Christianity which argues that every person has a divinely created soul, and that all souls are equal before God. However, if we do not believe in the Christian myths about God, creating and souls, what does it mean that all people are "equal"? Evolution is based on difference, not on equality. Every person carries a somewhat different genetic code and is exposed from birth to different environmen
Just as people were never created, neither, according to biology, is there a "Creator" who "endows" them with anything. There is only a blind evolutionary process, devoid of any purpose, leading to the birth of individuals. "Endowed by their Creator" should be translated simply into "born".
We hold these truths to be self-
Advocates of equality and human rights may be outraged by this line of reasoning. Their response is likely to be "we know all people are not equal biological
@"Sapiens. A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari.
Bottom line -
That is it, I must stop.
still a mind blowing book, so it must be continued.
how the success of a species is measured by the number of dna specimens and not level of happiness (thus, miserable cattle this very moment is a more successful species than an almost extinct happy species somewhere in madagascar living free (just like a company's success is measured by numbers, not by the happiness of their employees -
how the humans made a slight miscalcula
this and more also helped me solve a situation at work where my employee openly threatened to leave since they believe they can do my job better than me (what was my first reaction? run away from conflict, just like the good old childhood days), but now, i inhale the book, take a step back and do my job to the best conscience. screamers can scream.
by Yuval Noah Harari
mind blowing book. mind blowing.
i cannot even start to quote it, but basically everything is in our heads. homo sapiens in the only species that believes in 10 things they haven't seen, heard or experienced before breakfast. it is the only specie that survives because of gossip. where large groups can agree on believing the same imaginary thing and act on it. how to completely strange specimens can get along instantly by agreeing on "values", "borders", "laws" -
how we live our every day in our heads, basing out trust in things that don't exist.
adult children are used to a very high stress level. living in constant dysfunction and drama makes it our natural habitat. first 18 years of our lives we spend in humiliation -
now being sober i try to avoid stress and drama at all costs. my life has become quite calm. it will take at least another year to feel stable, but now, looking back, i see clearly how i was drawn to drama, closing my eyes and jumping into events, acting without thinking. there is a way out though, and it starts with some very basic things. good sleep. good food. breathing exercises, walks, nature. reading. listening to music. those are simple but healing things. when thinking what last 12 months have consisted of, it is surprising i'm alive.
anything to stay calm and carry on.
for many years i had been playing the victim.
it was also difficult to admit i suffer from depression (and have for over 8 years at least). i see many happy people, dancing in their lives, and i want to jump along with them with both legs broken. i see other people with broken legs and look at them with disgust, since they remind me how broken i am myself. i want to point out their flaws so i don't have to deal with my own. i want to pretend, but the more i do, the more it hurts.
i wanted to be perfect fast. i was sober -
and the cycle begins again.
of not working the steps.
i've always wondered when hearing that people tend to fall off the wagon right after hitting a sobriety anniversary. i felt it so clearly yesterday. it is all due to unresolved feelings and lack of work with the program, expecting a miracle.
one more week and it will happen, 3 more days, tomorrow..
so today i let it all out. i felt like shit, but everything that had been gathered up, just had to get out.
these 24 hours are over.
i pray tomorrow is a better day.
tonight is my 5 month sobriety anniversar
tonight was also special night. there have been many random thoughts over the past weeks, many weird events, many feelings. i've often made these entries carefully, trying to make myself look good, thinking about the many people who might read it.
tonight i went to a concert that made me feel. i hadn't felt something like that for a very long time. during sobriety up to today, feelings have been something to be handled with caution and never to be followed spontaneou
five months. amazing months. last week i received an email saying i was the employee of the month. the first reaction was to close it and pretend it wasn't there or didn't mean anything. however, there was no reason for it. it was a great honor indeed, and when the thought stopped being so scary, i could only feel deep gratitude towards my employer, and then another wave of humble gratitude -
last week i also received an email from my mother containing a letter i wrote to her as a 14 year old child, begging for forgiveness for being a bad child -
during the past months have been weird due to being single and sober -
the last months have been also great because i read again. a lot. and write. and play viola. and work out. and eat healthily. and listen to music. i don't really feel lonely, there is always something going on or something to do. even when there isn't, it is a great change and opportunity rather than a feared event although sometimes it would be nice not having to fall asleep alone.
i feel gratitude, humility and patience.
and today and for all the days to come:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
from daily thoughts:
today, God, guide me in my giving. help me give to others in healthy ways. help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what i can afford."
i've always been proud of my honesty, but further exploration has brought me to the knees even in this aspect.
further on quotes from Bill V.
"honesty can be used as a tool of horrific self delusion. for example, the type of honesty that is not rooted in considerat
today i practice respectful honesty towards myself and others.
and the last one.
i grew up in a family with a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive parent.
living in fear and waiting for the ticking time bomb, keeping my feelings bottled and being unable to express them turned me into a neurotic person. and eventually i became a time bomb myself, since i hadn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, deal with my emotions, a lot had been bottled up and i saw threats where they were none or exaggerated situations.
now i no longer need to survive.
patience and gratitude.
reading a lot is just messing with my head :)
1) "you think too much" -
this really made me smile. thank god i have the blog, the sisters, the club, and my wall to make my thinking productive.
3) reacting -
time to act not react.
nb! last two parts (and some thoughts from the previous blog entries) are inspired by the book "codependent no more" by melody beattie.