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2019-06-26 11:25 - ingenperson
***

Om vi drar bak bågsträngen och spänner bågen, finns där en kontraktion som leder till avspänning och pilen far iväg med något syfte. Detsamma gäller oss. Om vi skapar en kontraktion som vi kallar "jag" eller "min person" så leder detta till någon handling där "jag gör något" vilket vi tror är nödvändigt i livet. Och så blir det omöjligt att förstå sådana fina saker som frid, frihet, enhet med Gud, vila och ro.

I samma stund vi inser denna spänningsfunktion kan vi vila från den. Vi behöver inte kontraktionen. Det går bra att göra allt vi behöver ändå. Spänningen är helt onödig, den skapar endast en hel värld av inbillade dramatiska förlopp. Den skapar en rad drömmar om befrielse och vila och frihet. Utan kontraktionen behöver vi inte drömma om allt detta för det är redan vårt tillstånd.

När många traditioner talar om den heliga tystnaden är det egentligen detta tillstånd de är ute efter. Det första, det utan störning, det utan kontraktion. Det är bågen i perfekt skick, inte belastad.

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2019-06-26 11:23 - ingenperson
***

När problembäraren, dvs personen, försvinner, tenderar också problemen att försvinna, eller åtminstone bli betydligt tunnare, nästan genomskinliga. I kristet språk försvinner synderna om syndaren försvinner, dvs blir frälst. Hon eller han blir förstås frälst från syndaren snarare än synderna, för utan ett fiktivt jag som syndar kan inte synderna uppstå. När syndaren är förlåten i just den meningen kan förstås synder vilja gestalta sig igen men poängen har lite försvunnit och det hela upphör sannolikt.

Naturligtvis kan en religiös fortsättning av det fiktiva egot pågå en tid där det blir nödvändigt att lösa problemen, utan att problemhavaren försvinner. Då blir det en lång resa med ett cirkelliknande arbete -- för inga problem löses om problemskaparen är kvar. Frihalsning, det gamla ordet för frälsning, sker när den som bär tyngderna tas bort i överraskande nåd eller efter tungt inre arbete. Som Franz Jalics säger, man kan vara eremit eller direktör för ett stort bolag, det handlar till slut bara om detta försvinnande, denna tystnad.

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2019-06-26 11:19 - ingenperson
***

Hos Bonaventura, kanske den störste kristne teologen under högmedeltiden, finner vi att all begränsad person försvinner i Kristus. För vad är en person? Jo, enligt Bonaventura är det en förening mellan andlig materia och en rationell form. Endast i människan förenar sig materien med en rationell form. Jesus är en perfekt form som saknar den begränsning som den rationella formen har och därför finns inte längre en person i den begränsade form som gör oss till distinkta personer.

Så paradoxalt nog blir vi i Kristus perfekta och kompletta men befrias också från den person vi trodde att vi var innan befrielsen kom. Detta är förstås ingenting vi hör i kyrkorna men är en genuin grund att stå på.

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2019-06-26 11:18 - ingenperson
***

Person och kropp skiljs ofta åt, men i verkligheten är det nästan samma sak. Kroppen uttrycker genom fiktionen om en person, just den personens önskningar och orostillstånd. Personen säger sig vara "besviken" över att kroppen åldras och blir sjuk. I själva verket är det endast denna person-fiktion som lider. Kroppen följer endast kroppars förändringar. Det är endast en person som "är sjuk" eller "är döende". Det vi verkligen är blir aldrig sjukt eller dör.

Detta sägs tydligt av en kristen författare som skriver i engelsk översättning: "Now my wretched body, thy beauty is faded, thy fairness is gone, thy lust, thy strength, thy loveliness all is gone, all is failed; now art thou returned to thine own earthly colour; now art thou black, cold and heavy, like a lump of earth; thy sight is darkened, thy hearing is dulled, thy tongue faltereth in thy mouth, and corruption issueth out of every part of thee; corruption was thy beginning in the womb of thy mother, and corruption is thy continuance. All things that ever thou receivest, were it never so precious, thou turnest into corruption; and naught came from thee at any time but corruption, and now to corruption thyself returnest: altogether right vile and loathly art thou become, where in appearance before thou wast goodly: but the good lines was nothing else but as a painting or a gilding upon an earthen wall; under it was covered with stinking and filthy matter. But I looked not so deep, I contented myself with the outward painting, and in that I took great pleasure; for all my study and care was about thee, either to apparel thee with some clothes of divers colours, either to satisfy thy desire in pleasant sights, in delectable hearings, in goodly smells, in sundry manner of tastings and touchings, either else to get thee ease and rest as well in sleep as otherwise. And I provided, therefore, pleasant and delectable lodgings, and to eschew tediousness in all these, not only lodgings, but also in apparel, meats and drinks procured many and divers changes, that when thou wast weary of one then mightest thou content thyself with some other. Oh, alas, this was my vain and naughty study whereunto my wit was ready applied, in those things I spent the most part of my days. And yet was I never content long, but murmuring or grudging every hour for one thing or other."

Bekymren och orosmomenten i att vara en person kan inte beskrivas bättre. Författaren är John Fisher och tiden är engelskt 1500-tal.

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2019-04-04 16:21 - ingenperson
***

Det händer inte ofta att man möter någon som frågar: Vem är du? För mig var det tjugofem år sedan i skrivande stund.

Men jag minns att jag svarade något som nästan fick den andra personen att gå sin väg. Jag sa: Jag är det här, jag är varandet här nu.

Jag skulle säga detsamma om någon frågade idag.

I regel frågar folk efter ett innehåll med en persons tidigare handlingar, yrken, relationer, intressen, platser osv. Det blir falskt så fort man börjar med sådan identifikation. Man tvivlar genast för ingen av oss är dessa uppgifter. Och om vi tror det fångas vi in i en bur.

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bosselagom

2019-02-04 16:31 - bosselagom
Klimatnoteringar

Fint väder idag, det blir bättre eller sämre imorgon? Vissa dem blandar och ger! Resultatet blir mer social gemenskap eller större ekonomiska inkomster. Men att förändra klimatet, kan vi titta i stjärnorna efter……

Klimatvariationer med istider och varma perioder såsom romartid, fimbulvintern år 536, vikingatiden, värmeperioder omkring år 1000, pest o kolera-tider på 13 och 1700-talet, industrialismen, teknikåldern och år med missväxt är naturliga händelser, varav vissa är intersubjektivt påverkade.
Pest och kolera har man lyckats reducera med hjälp av kunskap, liksom att vetenskapen har blivit mer relevant för mänsklighetens utveckling.

Men klimat är inte väder. Klimatförändringar är långsamma och naturliga och mäts över längre perioder med varierande väder inom perioderna utan att klimatet ändrats. Klimatvariationer med istider och varma perioder är naturliga händelser, där vi får anpassa oss. Klimat kan inte lagstiftas.
Vårt klimat tycks styras av solens aktiviteter. Jordens temperaturvariationer saknar orsakssamband och koppling till en ändrad koldioxidhalt i atmosfären. Ingen har visat sambandet att en ökad halt koldioxid från 0,03 procent till 0,04 procent påverkar klimatet? Minst 90 procent av denna ökning är dessutom naturlig från hav och skogar. Endast tio milliondelar har mänskligheten bidragit till. Försumbart.
Höjd koldioxid orsakar inte höjd temperatur, möjligen det motsatta. Den 97 till procent eniga forskarkår är endast tre procent eftersom 97 procent av de tillfrågade som hade ”fel” åsikt valdes bort av IPCC.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) is the United Nations body for assessing the science related to climate change.
Koldioxid är en god gas och förutsättning för fungerande fotosyntes och därmed för allt liv på vår planet.
Klimatångest botas med kunskap. Klimatet kan inte debatteras utan kunskap om naturvetenskapliga bakgrundsfakta.
Naturvetenskap har ersatts av klimataktivism som grundas på IPCC framtidsmodeller med tusentals antaganden. Ett luftslott som löpande justerats då klimatet är för komplext och kaotisk för att kunna modelleras. Modellen är fel.

Kan man följa dygnets, eller årets, rytm i urtidens historia så kan man fråga sig i vilket stadier vi befinner oss i på 2000 talet; Som vid yngre dryas (10000-9500 f.kr.) då medeltemperaturen sjönk med 8 grader på mindre än 50 år > (natten, vintern), eller som vid början av den postglaciala perioden (8500 f.kr.) då det blev varmare > (morgonen, våren), eller som vid kulmen av den postglaciala perioden (5000 f.kr) en värmeperiod > (dagen, sommaren) eller som efter det postglaciala klimatoptimet (3000 f.kr) då det har börjat bli kallare)> (kvällen, hösten). På den tiden fanns inte en mänsklighet som kunde påverka klimatet som man påstår den gör idag. Vi kan i alla fall vara säkra på att klimatförändringar sker och att de kommer att påverka vår bygd också. Just nu är vi 100 år inne i en ny värmeperiod under en mellanistid, liknande den som varade under tiden 800 till 1300 e.kr. Vi har sedan haft lilla istiden fram till 1900. Om så där 5000 år får vi räkna med att cirka 1 km tjockt isflak liggande över Skandinavien igen.

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bosselagom

2018-11-26 15:33 - bosselagom
Homo Deus livsregler

Jordan B Peterson har satt upp en del livsregler; Här är dessa uppdaterade i en mer positiv version (har utelämnat "nej" och "inte"). En del regler är konkret tydliga, andra är otydligare och behöver en liknelse för att förstå. En del är förnuftiga medan andra är förnumstiga (Vad media säger om Jordan? Han är självmedveten och lärdomshögfärdig, en förnumstig besserwisser och politisk vindflöjel). En del råd gör gott i medvetandet medan andra kanske gör ont - livet är sådant!

Säg sanningen (- i alla fall - ljug "inte").
Var uppmärksam.
Var ociviliserad på ett ödmjuk sätt.
Var tydlig i ditt sätt att tala.
Uppmuntra det bästa hos människan.
Undvik saker du hatar.
Mobbare måste stoppas omedelbart.
Bra gjort är meningsfullt.
Var tacksam i samband med ditt lidande.
Klä dig som den person du vill vara.
Underhåll dina kontakter med folk.
Göm inte oönskade saker i dimman. Rensa ditt medvetande från oönskade saker.
Förvandla "inte" din fru till piga. Var jämställd med din närmaste.
Tala sanning om obehagliga saker.
Var försiktig med vem du delar dåliga nyheter med.
Var försiktig med vem du delar goda nyheter med.
Läs någonting som skrivits av någon stor.
Stå upp för din värderingar.
Klappa en katt när du möter en på gatan.
Slutför med vad som är meningsfullt istället för vad som är lämpligt.
Vad som är viktigt för dig är också den verklighet som gäller
Agera så att du kan säga sanningen om hur du agerar.
Bli vän med människor som vill ditt bästa.
Uppmuntra barn att fokusera sig på uppgiften.
Undvik ditt arroganta och irriterande jag.
Gör åtminstone en sak bättre på varje plats du vistas på.
Möt det skrämmande som står i vägen för dig.
Men kom också ihåg att inte göra onödigt farliga saker.
Försök att göra ett rum i ditt hus så vackert som möjligt.
Ställ ditt eget hus i perfekt ordning innan du kritiserar världen.
Undvik att rätta någon som ogärna vill bli tillrättad.
Var mycket försiktig med att rätta någon som vill bli tillrättad.
Föreställ dig vem du kan vara, och fokusera sedan på detta.
Fokusera på att låta ditt barn göra sådant som du själv gillar.
Undvik att tala illa om sociala institutioner eller konstnärliga prestationer.
Observera att möjligheten lurar där ansvaret har övergivets.
Planera och arbeta flitigt för att behålla romantiken i ditt förhållande.
Behandla dig själv som den du kan vara ansvarig för att hjälpa.
Arbeta så hårt som möjligt, åtminstone med en sak, och se vad som händer.
Om gamla minnen fortfarande gör dig ledsen, skriv ner dem noggrant och fullständigt.
Jämför dig själv med vem du var igår, imorgon är du äldre.
Kom ihåg att det du är omedvetande om, är viktigare än det du redan vet.
Fråga gärna någon om en liten tjänst, så att denna kan fråga dig om en i framtiden.
Om du måste välja, be den som gör saker istället för den som ser ut att göra saker.
Skriv ett brev till myndigheten om du ser något som behöver fixas och föreslå en lösning.
Den person du lyssnar på, kanske vet någonting som du behöver veta; lyssna så att den vill dela med sig om detta.
Om du har problem med ditt eget live, undvik då att få något som är mer komplicerat.

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2018-11-15 10:50 - arlona
the end

this blog server will be shut down in 5 days.

for me, it is an end of an era. i have spent the past 10 years here, describing my life, events, people, experiences, thoughts, hopes, resentments, problems and solutions. this place was the deep dark corner of my life - showing the difficult struggles and finally - a way out of them.

as i believe that God puts things into perspective, this is what is supposed to happen. maybe some of you will finally say goodbye to me. maybe some of you will have a reason to contact me in person. in a way it is a relief, since these entries have been very intimate and exposed my deepest emotions and some of the entries reached almost 8000 views, leaving me perplexed and feeling naked.

i will still write. writing is therapeutic. in a way, writing is who i am.

thank you for being the best audience a person can wish for.

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2018-11-15 09:22 - arlona
general improvements

although the entries here are sometimes dramatic, sad and deep, my life has improved greatly.
i honestly feel amazing.

one of the things i really wished for in my life was the ability to talk to everyone in my life equally - to my parents, managers, friends - more and more often i notice exactly that. there are no more ironic, sarcastic, smug, arrogant, complainant remarks from my side. either something is useful and i obtain it, or it is not, and i let it pass.

rather share ideas, notions, values, experiences. listen more.
i'm really proud of myself. what i have become. for the people that are next to me. for the steps i'm taking. for the peace, inspiration, motivation, dedication within me. for ability to separate useful from the odd.
for the ability to take situations rationally, without getting into drama, blaming, looking down, assuming. being able to have self-respect. joy. and starting to take things easier and myself - less seriously.

life is playful. life is fun. life is great.

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2018-11-13 20:56 - arlona
the task

the most important ethical task of your life is to deal with your own shadow, and not make others responsible for it. otherwise you'll always harm and blame others. this is something you must do on your own. if you fail to do this, if you fail to admit it for what it is, and give it the place it deserves - you will always be unjust towards others, seeing your own shadow in them. the villains, the threats will be out there. the ones to blame will be out there - in them you will see your own shadow, unable to see the evil within you. and until the day you recognize the shadow in yourself it will lead your life and you will call it your destiny.

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Bloggis

Vi är ledsna att meddela att vi kommer stänga ner Bloggis om en vecka. När vi startade hade vi en firma som låg bakom men den är avslutad sedan länge och nu är det dags att pensionera servern. Spara gärna ner era inlägg eller publicera dem på annan plattform.

Mvh
Bloggis-teamet

(2 kommentarer, senast 2018-11-19 09:26)

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the more i tried to fight it and pretend i'm fine, the worse it got.
i'm fully depressed. it doesn't mean what it used to 6 months ago. it doesn't mean angry at myself or the world, it doesn't mean crying out of desperation although i cry, it doesn't mean being a victim, being hurt, forcing myself or hating.
it means that for now i give up, i have no more power to pretend, to fight, to put up masks, to do smth others want me to. but neither do i have any power to do what i want either. the best i can do is let myself alone in a loving way. sleep. sleep some more. sleep while working. risk losing friendships due to sleeping, crying or avoiding places i don't want to be in.
as ironic as it is, this is actually one of the rare times i am being selfishly loving towards myself without it being on the cost of others. i'm ready to give up everyone and everything as long as i can rest as much as needed and do only what i want to do.

i am also very grateful to everyone who doesn't resent me, and what is even more important - doesn't pity me. i don't need pity. i need recovery. things that make my body, mind and soul feel good.

so many great people in my life.
and i do deserve them. all of them.

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2018-11-06 15:26 - arlona
bargaining phase

one of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. in denial, there is bliss. in anger, there is some sense of power. in bargaining, i am thrown between believing there is something i can do to change things and realizing there isn't.

if i will do this, that will happen.
if i will be better, smarter, more dedicated, this and that will happen.
if i will be perfect, someone might love me.

i do big, small, and all kinds of things, sometimes crazy things to avoid the pain involved with accepting reality. there is no substitute for accepting reality.
recognizing the bargaining phase is already a step in the right direction.

today, i pray i can let go and accept the reality as inconvenient as i find it.

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2018-11-03 00:08 - arlona
personal rhapsody

what i believed to be my biggest flaws to be shamed about might turn into my greatest power once i admit and embrace them.

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2018-11-01 22:56 - arlona
bohemian rhapsory

a musical orgasm.
and another one.
and another one.

finally i can feel again.

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2018-11-01 12:30 - arlona
loyal-ties

they say "never push loyal employees to the point they don't care"

generally i agree.
but the question is who or what are the employees loyal to?
i've seen so many of them being loyal to their safe seat where they don't have to do anything for years, and then changes come, they are asked to change along, change their tasks, adapt to new technology and that's when they are no longer loyal.
i've heard quotes such as "how dare you, i've been in this company for 15 years!"
are they really loyal to the company, wanting to spend their time, adapt to changes, do what is necessary to grow, improve? or do they want things to stay the same for many years to come, as long as the employee keeps getting paid?

we live in a rapid time where change is like a huge wave of tsunami, strong and inevitable - things change, the world changes and if we don't embrace this change, initiate it, create it or at least admit it, we will be flushed away in a second.

so before you hang out your loyalty flag, think again. is it the company, state, person you are loyal to? or are you loyal to yourself, your status, your position, living in comfort, afraid of change?

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2018-11-01 09:22 - arlona
LESSON OF LIFE #44

stop trying to be interesting.
start being interested.

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2018-10-31 09:25 - arlona
a brief history. pt. 3.

i hope this will be the last entry of that mind blowing book. i'm not even half way there, but it keeps blowing my mind.

"Let us try to translate the most famous line of American Declaration of Independence into biological terms:

We hold there truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

According to the science of biology, people were not "created". They have evolved. And they certainly did not evolve to be "equal". The idea of equality is inextricably intertwined with the idea of creation. The Americans got the idea of equality from Christianity which argues that every person has a divinely created soul, and that all souls are equal before God. However, if we do not believe in the Christian myths about God, creating and souls, what does it mean that all people are "equal"? Evolution is based on difference, not on equality. Every person carries a somewhat different genetic code and is exposed from birth to different environmental influences. This leads to the development of different qualities that carry with them different chances of survival. "Created equal" should therefore be translated into "evolved differently".

Just as people were never created, neither, according to biology, is there a "Creator" who "endows" them with anything. There is only a blind evolutionary process, devoid of any purpose, leading to the birth of individuals. "Endowed by their Creator" should be translated simply into "born".
Equally there are no such things as rights in biology. There are only organs, abilities and characteristics. Birds fly not because they have a right to fly but because they have wings. And it's not true that these organs, abilities and characteristics are "unalienable". Many of them undergo constant mutations, and may well be completely lost over time. The ostrich is a bit that has lost its ability to fly. So "unalienable rights" should be translated into "mutable characteristics".
What are the characteristics that evolved in humans? "Life", certainly. But "liberty"? There is no such thing in biology. Just like equality, rights and limited liability companies, liberty is something that people invented and that exists only in their imagination. (again necessary for the society to stick together). From a biological viewpoint, it is meaningless to say that humans in democratic societies are free, whereas humans in dictatorships are unfree. And what about happiness? So far biological research has failed to come up with a clear definition of happiness or a way to measure it objectively. Most biological studies acknowledge only the existence of pleasure, which is more easily defined and measured. So "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" should be translated into "life and the pursuit of pleasure".
So here is that line from the American Declaration of Independence translated into biological terms:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men evolved differently, that they are born with certain mutable characteristics and that among these are life and the pursuit of pleasure.

Advocates of equality and human rights may be outraged by this line of reasoning. Their response is likely to be "we know all people are not equal biologically!"

@"Sapiens. A Brief History of Humankind" by Yuval Noah Harari.

Bottom line - for the society to function and for so many people to collaborate, we must follow this "naive" idea of equal rights. The leaders, politicians, popes must themself believe in the idea of democracy, Christ, or it won't survive. Our society lives on as long as we believe in society.

That is it, I must stop.

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2018-10-29 12:52 - arlona
a brief history. pt. 2

still a mind blowing book, so it must be continued.

how the success of a species is measured by the number of dna specimens and not level of happiness (thus, miserable cattle this very moment is a more successful species than an almost extinct happy species somewhere in madagascar living free (just like a company's success is measured by numbers, not by the happiness of their employees - yes, yes, yes, there is a voice from the past saying "the more zeroes there are in the contract the better").
how the complainers and criers were eliminated fast, euthanized even for their own good.
how in order to tame sheep, the most curious, the most aggressive and the fastest ones were killed first, when one needed an obedient flock.

how the humans made a slight miscalculations and from free and healthy species we were domesticated by wheat, an seemingly insignificant plant that became the king of everything.

this and more also helped me solve a situation at work where my employee openly threatened to leave since they believe they can do my job better than me (what was my first reaction? run away from conflict, just like the good old childhood days), but now, i inhale the book, take a step back and do my job to the best conscience. screamers can scream.

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by Yuval Noah Harari

mind blowing book. mind blowing.
it confirms the ideas i've had forever and before.

i cannot even start to quote it, but basically everything is in our heads. homo sapiens in the only species that believes in 10 things they haven't seen, heard or experienced before breakfast. it is the only specie that survives because of gossip. where large groups can agree on believing the same imaginary thing and act on it. how to completely strange specimens can get along instantly by agreeing on "values", "borders", "laws" - something existing only in their minds.
how one thinks you are naive but then those are just different "realities" people live in, and people with similar realities sell their idea and if it is beneficial enough or sticky enough, it takes over the world.

how we live our every day in our heads, basing out trust in things that don't exist.

amazing.
i can only read it 5-10 pages at the time, since it is that deep, but it will shake the ground you're standing on (physical or imaginary).

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2018-10-25 17:14 - arlona
stress levels

adult children are used to a very high stress level. living in constant dysfunction and drama makes it our natural habitat. first 18 years of our lives we spend in humiliation - that is when our personality is formed. our parents often told us we were not not good enough - even when we had achieved a level that was higher than average.

now being sober i try to avoid stress and drama at all costs. my life has become quite calm. it will take at least another year to feel stable, but now, looking back, i see clearly how i was drawn to drama, closing my eyes and jumping into events, acting without thinking. there is a way out though, and it starts with some very basic things. good sleep. good food. breathing exercises, walks, nature. reading. listening to music. those are simple but healing things. when thinking what last 12 months have consisted of, it is surprising i'm alive.

anything to stay calm and carry on.
i no longer seek excitement. i only seek peace.

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for many years i had been playing the victim.
but now, the first step would mean for me to admit i was powerless to the effects of family dysfunction, and i misunderstood it as stepping back to the role of a victim which i refused to do.
however the effects cannot be handled til i admit them.
a fine line between playing a victim (being helpless) and admitting the flaws (being powerless).
a fine line between using the situation as an excuse to pull bs and admitting the facts and dealing with them.

it was also difficult to admit i suffer from depression (and have for over 8 years at least). i see many happy people, dancing in their lives, and i want to jump along with them with both legs broken. i see other people with broken legs and look at them with disgust, since they remind me how broken i am myself. i want to point out their flaws so i don't have to deal with my own. i want to pretend, but the more i do, the more it hurts.

i wanted to be perfect fast. i was sober - why wasn't sobriety enough to be perfect and happy? why at times was i still angry for no reason? why was i still taking things too personally despite meditation? why was i afraid of strong females? why was i running away from conflicts and pouring my anger out to kinder people counting on them forgiving me? every time each of these things happened, i was beating myself up. i knew it was wrong. i kept blaming Higher Power for things i caused with my own denial and pretense. i kept hating myself. but hate doesn't heal or change past, present or future.

and the cycle begins again.
they say ACA is a lot more heart ripping than AA, but i can no longer pretend i'm just an alcoholic.
as much as i want to look the other way and say it's gonna be fine, the time has come to face the music and own it.

today:
i am powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and my life has become unmanageable.

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2018-10-22 22:06 - arlona
the consequence

of not working the steps.

i've always wondered when hearing that people tend to fall off the wagon right after hitting a sobriety anniversary. i felt it so clearly yesterday. it is all due to unresolved feelings and lack of work with the program, expecting a miracle.

one more week and it will happen, 3 more days, tomorrow..
but the miracle never arrives, because there is no miracle.
it is a simple 24 hour day by day kind of a deal. no more, no less.
it works if you work it.

so today i let it all out. i felt like shit, but everything that had been gathered up, just had to get out.
it hurt like hell.
i'm glad it didn't cost me sobriety, but it was a high price to pay none the less.

these 24 hours are over.
tomorrow is a new day.

i pray tomorrow is a better day.

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2018-10-20 23:19 - arlona
happy 5 months

tonight is my 5 month sobriety anniversary.

tonight was also special night. there have been many random thoughts over the past weeks, many weird events, many feelings. i've often made these entries carefully, trying to make myself look good, thinking about the many people who might read it.
today i'm tired of it. i'm not only the flaws showed over the past months revealing through the steps. i'm also really great and talented, funny and caring, intelligent and gentle. good looking. creative. dedicated. my true confidence (not the huge ego mask) is finally starting to show, and it's a great foundation.

tonight i went to a concert that made me feel. i hadn't felt something like that for a very long time. during sobriety up to today, feelings have been something to be handled with caution and never to be followed spontaneously as they come, good or bad, to avoid falling into extremes or acting on the first thought. but beat by beat, the music seduced me, awaking deeper and deeper longing and awakening, joy and something divine.

five months. amazing months. last week i received an email saying i was the employee of the month. the first reaction was to close it and pretend it wasn't there or didn't mean anything. however, there was no reason for it. it was a great honor indeed, and when the thought stopped being so scary, i could only feel deep gratitude towards my employer, and then another wave of humble gratitude - it felt like the whole Fellowship and God, as I understand him, were behind me, protecting me. this honor wasn't mine alone. it was earned with hard work, one day at the time, together with my fellows and sponsor.

last week i also received an email from my mother containing a letter i wrote to her as a 14 year old child, begging for forgiveness for being a bad child - along with her apology for it. the second case when i closed it and pretended it wasn't there. as an alcoholic i cannot afford to react on the smallest emotion as it comes. i gave this a thought and after swallowing the sadness and disgust for the emotions that my original letter brought up, i realized, i genuinely hold no resentment. the apology no longer changed anything, since i was in peace with the past. neither did i feel superiority, because it must have been hard for her to come to that conclusion. it felt like it was another step in her own journey, and i could only accept the apology, thank her and let her continue her way.

during the past months have been weird due to being single and sober - this is the first time since teenage years. so many times in my life i had started the relationship for the wrong reasons or under the influence of alcohol, acting out on spontaneous urges or the thrill of the game. however, even this shouldn't be made trivial, because there have been great people in my life that i am thankful for. i can only ask God that when the time is right, for the right reasons, there will be someone for me.

the last months have been also great because i read again. a lot. and write. and play viola. and work out. and eat healthily. and listen to music. i don't really feel lonely, there is always something going on or something to do. even when there isn't, it is a great change and opportunity rather than a feared event although sometimes it would be nice not having to fall asleep alone.

i feel gratitude, humility and patience.
i feel peace and confidence.
i feel hope.

and today and for all the days to come:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

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2018-10-19 14:11 - arlona
passion

i miss it.

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2018-10-18 19:43 - arlona
law of resonance

by pierre franckh.

the scientific book about the positive thinking.

what a booster.

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2018-10-05 18:57 - arlona
step #0 - a new reality

hello there.

so in order to stop imagining people the way i want to and seeing them for who they are, a new circle begins.

oh God, i have been so wrong my head is hurting.

and does, like, everyone sees this??

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2018-09-26 17:32 - arlona
lesson of life #43

if the person who you care about chooses anyone else but you to go to when shit hits the fan, there is a good chance they were really fed up with your life lessons a long time ago.

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2018-09-26 16:57 - arlona
ED or not ED

turns out i am simply allergic to all dairy (lactose, whey, yogurt, cream, kefir), eggs and bananas (??).

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2018-09-23 23:12 - arlona
today

i am stronger than i thought.
thus, no need to prove i'm strong. no need to compete. no need pretending i'm weak.

be gentler, compassionate of those around me.
be strong and let others grow stronger as well.

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