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2018-09-18 10:24 - arlona
spark

on Sunday God blessed me with 2 sisters who can help me with ED.
and it seems God has also blessed me with a brother who can help me with my writing skills.

i cannot believe it yet.
can this be true?

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2018-09-16 23:23 - arlona
giving

from daily thoughts:
"what is healthy giving? there is a fine-lined behavior each of us must seek to understand for ourselves. it is that kind of giving that feels good and does not leave us feeling victimized. it is that kind of giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem. it is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation. it is giving with no strings attached. whether it is giving of our time, efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford. giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving. we can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love.
and we need to keep an eye that the motivation of our giving is healthy.

today, God, guide me in my giving. help me give to others in healthy ways. help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what i can afford."

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2018-09-16 11:00 - arlona
honesty

i've always been proud of my honesty, but further exploration has brought me to the knees even in this aspect.

further on quotes from Bill V.

"honesty can be used as a tool of horrific self delusion. for example, the type of honesty that is not rooted in consideration or love. [..] i was so proud of my honesty and fairness that i started feeling more disgust towards people who were ever lying or cheating. my honesty eventually became a cape under which i started to hide many, serious shortcomings that were crippling other spheres of life. convinced that since my honesty is good, all my other traits were equally good. this thought prevented me from taking a good look in the mirror for many years. this example of self delusion is very common, and each of us can often fall into it.
what matters is the motivation of honesty. are we really speaking the truth out of consideration and kindness? or are we throwing facts into the other person's face wanting to be superior? have we tried to hurt someone with honesty out of fear or dislike? did we want to try to help the person genuinely? why did we tell the things we told? this is a good opportunity for us to take a good look at ourselves. and evaluate a right and wrong use of truth and honesty. we can often use a higher aim as an excuse to go to war. it can happen that sometimes we must use unpleasant facts to save or correct a dangerous situation. but if so, we must evaluate our behavior - are we not looking for the mote is somebody's eye? in those cases it is useful to ask oneself - do i really know the facts? is my criticism and honesty necessary in this situation? am i really not acting out of fear or anger? only when we are sure of our motivation, we can act - out of consideration and respect thus being truly honest."

today i practice respectful honesty towards myself and others.

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2018-09-10 15:27 - arlona
stability in circles

and the last one.

i grew up in a family with a mentally unstable, emotionally abusive parent.
from her steps i could tell if she will yell or if it is ok to leave my room.
the world seemed threatening and it became natural to look out for danger, pay attention to the smallest detail, over analyze, it was a natural survival skill.

living in fear and waiting for the ticking time bomb, keeping my feelings bottled and being unable to express them turned me into a neurotic person. and eventually i became a time bomb myself, since i hadn't learn how to express my emotions in a healthy way, deal with my emotions, a lot had been bottled up and i saw threats where they were none or exaggerated situations.

now i no longer need to survive.
i can protect myself and never let anyone hurt me as well as to avoid potentially dangerous and dramatic situations or not react on them. i can stand up for myself and well being.
i can be who i am, even if it no longer means adapt to someone's demands, liking or wishes. i can take healthy risks with people, knowing they might let me down.
again, this is work for every day for the rest of my life (but it is fun since i get to work with myself, he)

patience and gratitude.

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reading a lot is just messing with my head :)
way too many ideas to express.

1) "you think too much" - if i got a penny for every time i heard this.
cannot kick out another thought dr. Twersky mentioned in his book:
to understand if you are thinking too much, you can run the alcoholics estimation self-test by replacing "alcohol" with "thinking":
- do you think heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
- can you think more now than when you first started to think?
- do you feel uncomfortable if thinking is unavailable?
- do you sometimes feel guilty about your thinking?
- has a family friend or a close friend expressed concern about your thinking
- do you want to continue thinking after your friends say it has been enough?
- do you have a reason for the occasions you think heavily?
- do you ever regret things you have said or done when thinking too much?
- does your work, relationships suffer from your thinking?
- do you sometimes think several days in a row?

this really made me smile. thank god i have the blog, the sisters, the club, and my wall to make my thinking productive.

2) confrontation
confronting someone should be avoided and can be even dangerous and there is a good reason it never goes the way the confronter (me) has imagined. in the five stages of grief, after denial comes anger.
that is all there is to it. if i force a person to take the mask off, to be honest, to talk about something he/she is not ready to talk about or accept it to himself or others - there will be anger.
c'est genial.

3) reacting - one more thing i need to think about :)
codependents often are rather "reactors" than doers. they have a tendency to react on everything - their own feelings and thoughts, other people's feelings and thoughts, events around them, in the office, at home, in politics - but they never DO anything about it.
e.g. they can sit on the couch, cry, feel sorry for themselves, yell, complain, demand, but never change anything or do something to change it.

time to act not react.

nb! last two parts (and some thoughts from the previous blog entries) are inspired by the book "codependent no more" by melody beattie.

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2018-09-09 20:40 - arlona
responsibility

i am responsible for leading my life and the fact that i am or aren't living it.
i am responsible for my spiritual, emotional, physical and financial well being.
i am responsible for recognizing and fulfilling my needs.
i am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with ones that i cannot solve.
only i am responsible for choices i make.
i am responsible for what i give and take.
i am responsible for setting my goals and achieving them.
i am responsible for how much i can enjoy life and how much happiness i gain from daily tasks.
i am responsible for who i love and how i choose to show my love.
i am responsible for what i do to others and what i let others do to me.
i am responsible for my needs and my wishes.

i am.

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2018-09-09 15:33 - arlona
powerless

we give the power of our lives over to someone else.
and then we are mad at them for not knowing how to use it.

thus we make our happiness someone else's responsibility.
and try to control the person whom we have given the power to control us.

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how about we take two great, kind, loving, caring people. people who start a relationship with each other out of love, and also feel like they take care of the other person (but do not notice the other person does the same thing). they are both selfless and make sacrifices just for the other person to be happy and fulfilled. they might even start the relationship by taking responsibility for the other person rather than focusing on their own life and issues. their own needs disappear (or come second) when their significant other is around. they stop taking care of themselves, give up their friends and hobbies, just to please the other person.

they give and they are understanding and they sacrifice and after a while they start hating the other person for being so helpless, so demanding, so needy, so unappreciative of the sacrifices made. they might turn into perpetrators - with passive aggressive or active aggressive behavior. with punishing silence. with anger. they get tired of giving and become angry, and they feel used and in a way victimized, even with resentment. systematically they give more than receive (or so they think) and then feel abused and feel that the significant other doesn't appreciate them.

they can start to lie and manipulate because being honest about their own needs makes them feel guilty and ashamed. they don't want to hurt the other person, but by trying to avoid the honest truth they hurt each other and themselves even more. they occasionally try to steal small moments for themselves, because they are tired of that is known to the world as Karpman's drama triangle - from selfless and generous Givers, they turn into resentful, abused Victims, further into hating and mean Perpetrators.

they are both really great people. but after a while this relationship brings no joy to either of them. they can get depressed because their needs aren't met. they don't recognize themselves. they think they are so responsible but they aren't - because they don't take any responsibility for their own happiness. "my life would be great if she...", "everything would be perfect if he.." - thinking that the other person is the source of the happiness and harmony is the first sign of codependency. it is not.

deep inside these both persons know the other person isn't "bad". they know the other person is full of great traits. knowing the other person is great, gives them a reason to continue. imagine those two selfless giving codependents trying to break up - they will make horrible things happen and rather destroy each other or themselves than say: i want to break up - and mean it.

they are not bad people.
they are great people.
but they chose not to put their own needs first.

it's not easy to find happiness within yourself.
but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.

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2018-09-03 13:50 - arlona
quality of life

life is really great. yes, a lot of time is spent on recovery. but health is only one of 3 priorities.

i love my job. if i thought that drinking made me a productive and creative alcoholic, then my productivity and creativity increased by 500% when i stopped drinking.
it increased by another 100% when i quit smoking.

ok, hold the horses, there was plenty of energy, preparedness, will to make amends, jump in, solve, learn. but just like in other fields, i wanted a logical, well based structure for:
1) self improvement at work (what are my strengths, responsibilities, options, sources?)
2) priority areas
3) solving, getting rid of old. unproductive things/processes
4) implementing new ideas
etc.

lucky for me, my direct manager has worked for one of the biggest and most successful companies of the world and his thinking is open, futuristic, efficient, positive and just the type of thinking i'm so fond of, and once a week i can ask him anything.
so i wrote down:
- all ideas for professional self-improvement
- all ideas for job improvement (team, product, numbers, etc.)

i had two chaotic lists of some excellent, some good and some fairly average ideas. i talked to him and got some structure, set priorities and a plan of action, as well as additional suggestions. got a list of books to read (one of which "delivering happiness" by Tony Hsieh blew my mind as well as "the culture code" by daniel coyle, and there are many more waiting in line), applied for several courses and conferences, and have taken my role at work to a completely next level by fully using my potential and growing professionally and personally and applying the knowledge practically.

when reading i switch the topics of the book from work related - self improvement - fiction - just to clear my "palette" and let the info soak in. the long walks, bike rides, hikes, all improving the physical and mental state of mind and existence.

i've made one more list: the list of qualities of a respectable person with self confidence. plain and simple. it was black on white what traits i respected, what i possessed and what i lacked (but could work on) to gain more self confidence. there was no place for fake humility, because despite many things i hate about myself, there were some good qualities as well (and surprise, surprise, none of those traits had anything to do with looks or weight). seeing what i lacked wasn't a tragedy. it was something i could work on gradually over time to achieve.

today i remember: progress, not perfection. one day at the time.

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2018-09-03 10:39 - arlona
addict's thinking

understanding the illness or accepting the diagnosis does not mean it is cured.
sobriety is only a platform that helps eliminating the causes what brings a person to using.

there are several basic reasons for that (these are not my own personal ideas however they apply in a personal manner):
1) deformed perception of reality - everyone else is either better or different and addict feels like he "does not fit in" and that "addict is missing something that everyone else apparently has to be happy". using helps to feel like a person "fits in" the universe (everyone is friends when drunk).
2) deformed perception of one's self - low self-esteem - (not good enough) mixing with falsified sense of superiority (this usually develops for "talented" kids - the parents from one side make the kid feel like he is "special" (smart, talented,etc), but from the other side also demand higher results resulting in disappointment when those are never good enough)
3) hyper sensitivity - what for others is just an exchange of words, an addict might perceive as personal attack, offense, etc. (an example - if one of 5 people in the elevator started yelling in anger for the bystander accidentally touching him - we would think he is insane until we learned he is suffering from heavy sun burnt skin - then it would be understandable).
4) inability to control one's feelings - suppressed in childhood, the feelings can be either too strong, intense and overwhelming to handle (when addicts love, they love from entire heart, when they hate, the hate is intense), one's inability to cry or be openly vulnerable (especially for boys) results in suppressed feelings, resentment, anger issues, intense feelings along with the wish to build a strong wall of protection. the person wants to be social but does not trust himself to handle his feelings therefore building a wall, pushing people away, being rude becomes a safety thing. basically the more the person suppresses the feelings, the more of a time bomb he/she becomes - but being one self, vulnerable and express emotions in a healthy way has not been an option.
5) mixing up shame and guilt - an addict is not able to feel guilt for what he/she has done (the explosion of the time bomb and the consequences) - they rather feel shamed for who they are believing their core material is "wrong" and "faulty", gliding deeper into low self esteem by every wrongful act committed.
6) codependency (not everyone suffers from this)

so that's about the personality.
now about the addiction.

and addict is expert in denial, rationalization and projection.

1) denial - admitting the truth would mean one has to stop using which is something unbearable, therefore the lying goes on. an addict can also get very manipulative and so good at lying that he can convince everyone around him (to a certain extent), even doctors (with low experience in treating addicts), parents, spouses. but the addict believes his own lies (also since the reality is deformed and lying helps shape it according to the deformity).
2) rationalization - the addict will try to deform everything around him to adapt to his own deformed views of reality. "drinking is not a problem, since drinking makes me even more productive at work. beer contains vitamin b. everyone is drinking at that party, i'd be ridiculed if i didn't. drinking helps me get though tough times" etc. lies, lies, lies, that one tells oneself.
3) projection - blaming everything and everyone else for one's using. there is a reason for using and sometimes this implies swapping cause and effect - "i drink because my husband/wife doesn't respect me" - not true, the spouse has lost respect due to drinking and the actions, but the addict doesn't want to see this.

a human being will always choose less suffering, rather than more suffering. but for an addict, sobriety means more suffering (stepping out from the deformed reality of the world and oneself, taking responsibility, quitting an anesthetic, facing intense feelings one is unable to deal with) - so there is no way he/she will trust a random person to tell him "you will feel better if you stop drinking".
besides, sobriety itself does not mean recovery.
sobriety can bring even more suffering, if the person does not constantly work on himself, with his deformed perception and self esteem - otherwise he can either switch addictions or develop psychosis ("2+2 = 5") or neurosis ("2+2 = 4 and i can't take it!").

this is just one of the reasons why a person cannot quit an addiction by himself. it can really destroy a person.

all religion aside, a human being aside from all other animals, is a spiritual being. he has the ability to be selfless, to suppress his bodily needs for the sake of a higher value (not fuck everything that moves, not take anything he sees), to give instead of take.
addiction is the complete opposite of spirituality. addiction is - everything to me, now!
it is amazing, the lies a mind will tell to skip facing the truth. understanding the illness does also not mean it is cured. this is a life long trip. even the "ha, i got it, i am cured now" - this is just one of the manipulative lies one tells himself just a few days before falling off the wagon again.

change doesn't happen overnight.

nb. info based on: "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception" by Abraham J. Twerski

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2018-08-31 14:24 - arlona
step #12 - pay it forward

this blog has been my diary for the past 10 years, so if you've read it, you know more about me than the last 12 steps. however, when i see the number of people who have read (and still read) my posts but never leave a comment - i wonder - who are you people who read this blog in a God's forgotten corner of the internet?

i love bragging about my new life. i really do. but what feeds my ego is what destroys me. so truth shall set me free.
alcohol was so much fun. some of my brightest ideas were ignited by rum or wine, some of the funniest and most remarkable nights happened under influence. crazy adventures, some even dangerous, breath taking, intoxicating, ridiculous and unforgettable.

but i have only fucked up life really bad when under influence.
i blindly followed impulses, some of which very endangering ones.
i skipped responsibility when drunk.
i had no consideration of others, myself or consequences when drunk.
made the worst decisions.
made even worse decisions.

and i could not stop.
i started my tries to quit mid january. and it took me 4 months of denial, anger, fall-backs, tears, sweat (literally), desperation, disbelief, bargaining, mixed with hope, restless tries again and again to finally say "no" without looking back (and i still must remind me every day that my sobriety only comes one day at a time). i told myself i didn't have a problem (i did). i told myself i can handle it (i couldn't). i said i didn't need help (i did). i said i was not like them (i am, and it's awesome!). and the biggest lie - i said i can do this on my own (i couldn't).

my only options were to seek help or give in and die.
i was lucky i wasn't alone (although let's be honest, i wasn't a good listener and a humble follower of suggestions).

if you feel like you have a problem with drinking or your friend or family member is suffering, reach out - this is not an illness a person can deal with alone. this is also nothing one should be embarrassed about because nobody chooses to be an alcoholic.

i cannot cure anyone but i can gladly share my story in detail or answer any questions about my recovery to people who really need it. once upon a time this blog was sometimes read by some people that know me - if you still do - either i'm an amazing writer or you genuinely were interested in this journey. either way - thanks.

if you have any further questions feel free to scribble a line to: arlona.bloggis at gmail.com
you are not alone.

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2018-08-28 09:12 - arlona
100

5 months ago i gave up all medication.
100 days ago i gave up drinking.
1 month ago i gave up smoking.
now i'm trying to get better regarding my ED.
it's been a long, amazing, hard road and still so much ahead, but completely worth it.

they say one doesn't deserve a medal for acting normal.
i believe that only refers to people for whom "normal" is a natural state of living. not me.

dysfunctional codependency is a set of "emotional, psychological and behavioral conditions that develop when an individual is subject to a set of long term oppressing conditions; conditions meaning an environment where the individual is not allowed to freely express emotions, discuss their personal feelings and be open about their needs."

this kind of dysfunction develops a set of "survival skills", e.g. if i asked for anything and was mocked for my request, i quickly learned that i can obtain my desired object through manipulation or lies in order to skip being ridiculed. i learned that admitting my failures and flaws was punishable and that blaming billy for my broken glasses (lost wallet, bad grades) ended in me not being punished and billy punched in the face. i learned that being honest about my feelings was a crime and a weakness. so i started suppressing my feelings and acting depending on what was favorable in a particular situation.

i started seeking approval in wrong places, in fear from isolation i either became isolated or pushed people away in order to be one, i looked at life from victim's point of view while hating everyone else who played a victim, i was either a Savior, focusing on other person's life and flaws to fix or i was too egocentric to be able to look at my own flaws, yet i was very critical of myself and others, i either tried to get rid of a relationship in order to avoid being hurt, or did everything to stay even in an unhealthy one. i got addicted to excitement, at the same time i numbed my true feelings by expressing "pseudo feelings". i reacted where there was nothing to react about, etc.

these things were deeply rooted and the awareness of them was the first step of change. however i no longer need to survive and suppress my feelings and pretend i am better or someone else. many of thee traits have already changed and freed me. it is amazing what it means to live being honest with myself and not having to survive.

i can be who i am.

however, to stay sober i need to give up my ego, pride, admit my flaws, ask for forgiveness, dismiss fantasies, serve, keep working to live in harmony with myself and others. every day. and sometimes it bites.

nothing is ever as good as it seems, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.
reality is the best place to be in.

today i thank God, as i understand him, for my 100 days of sobriety.

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2018-08-26 18:42 - ingenperson
***

Förvånande för många är att evangelierna handlar om att ge upp fiktionen om självet och förlora det i Hans kärlek som i den meningen är objektiv, universell - katolsk. En som försökt visa detta är Henry James Sr. Han skriver i sin bok om Swedenborg: "In short, I have shown that while morality endows man with a subjective or phenomenal consciousness, with a quasi or provisional selfhood, adapted to the needs of an immature society among men, there is not the least spiritual or living truth, the least objective reality in this selfhood..." (s 232)

Men vid ungefär samma tid skriver Thomas Gibson Bowles, journalist och tidskriftsredaktör, följande rader i början av sin bok Flotsam and Jetsam (1874), som visar hur fast denna "selfhood" kan vara:

"A REAL man is always alone in the world. Were he not he
would not be a real man, as I understand it — that is to say a
distinct entity, not a copy of all other men, but with the prin-
cipal and important part of him thoroughly belonging to him-
self. How shall such a one find a mate who shall really be
such to him ? Pieces of looking-glass indeed he may find,
which will according to their quality more or less reproduce
the outside of him as they will of any other — they have been
quicksilvered to that one end ; but a duplicate of himself ;
nay, or another at all like himself, he may not hope for in man
or woman. For his especial character is that he is what he
himself and Providence have made him ; that he has set up
in the chaos with infinite labor and good fortune a little plat-
form of his own just broad enough for the sole of his foot.
Another cannot stand there with him, though many be above
and some perhaps below. If he be the real man, that place is
his and his alone : he is a separate being and principle, and as
such he can have no companion."

Det är värt att notera hur denna fiktiva plattform skapas i kaos. Men ännu större kaos följer förstås på denna mentala isolering som hans "selfhood" skapas genom.

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Satanen

2018-08-24 23:49 - Satanen
Valsveda

Kan orsaka sveda, värk och blödningar i röven.

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what others think, do or feel is none of my business. i cannot nor should i control it, influence it or worry about it. freedom.

instead i am busy with fulfilling my own needs and following the path of Higher Power. my shortcomings are no longer a proof of a failure, they are crumbs to be dusted away one by one.

i no longer have to worry about the day or it's outcome, i rely that everything, each person, event or happening is sent by Higher Power, so there is no point worrying.

forgiving myself. forgiving everyone else. letting peace, joy and faith take over.

today and everyday i ask God to let me rely on him through every hour of the day. whatever news i might receive, let me accept them with harmony and conviction that it is God's will. lead me and teach me how to pray, believe, hope, forgive and love.

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2018-08-21 20:26 - arlona
victor-y

for the first time, i stood up for myself.

this was so unlike me. usually i would pretend everything is fine for 10-15 minutes or until the threat was somewhat over, then started crying, complaining, playing the victim, pointing fingers, blaming and feeling sorry for myself.

not this time.
in a crowd of people i didn't know. against a man twice my age. which i will have to meet at least once a week for a very very long time.
he was sitting and judging me and others for being sick and doing sick things.
yes, i am sick, this is why i am here - to get better.
no one messes with my recovery.
no one messes with our group.
no one can belittle me.
no one can make me doubt my values.

and the funny thing - i wasn't even angry. i kept my peace, boundaries, self respect, even respect towards him asking well defined questions out of genuine interest and providing a calm explanation. i didn't ask him to shut up or to leave, i wasn't ironic, attacking, assuming or declaring. but he went ballistic on me, and that just made me feel compassion for him.

i think my new awesome hair have added some edge to my personality :)

today i thank my Higher Power for the strength, faith, confidence, self respect, boundaries and a new healthy outlook on life and other people provided to me.

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2018-08-19 15:18 - arlona
Simplicity of the future

I can honestly say that one of the most beautiful things about recovery is never looking back, but finding a way to move on.

I don't have to ask: why is the house torn down? Who did it? When did the hurricane start? The fact is, the house is torn down. Finding out why won't fix it. Just like blaming my childhood, parents, school kids or failed relationships won't fix my today. But now I have the tools to move on without looking back. My past is still a part of me, but it doesn't own me.

Today I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me and for the tools to start every day fresh.

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With every day, I had started taking better care of myself. The two main priorities were a healthy body (eating and sports) and my job.

But relationships. For my whole life I had trouble understanding the meaning for it. Since my parents split early in my childhood, my idea of relationships consisted of TV and cosmopolitan images. My fantasy went wild and I tried to pretend to be the fantasy girl as well as expecting the fantasy relationship in return. It clashed against my true introvert nature and the need for personal space and self development. It also clashed against all sanity, logic and reality.
As mentioned in earlier entries, recently I had learned that there is both a child and a parent (critical or loving) in me and that I am in fact perfectly capable of taking care of myself and give myself all the pampering, care and love I expected from my fantasy partner. But if I was self sufficient, what was the point of relationship? Once again I had gotten to a dead end. To make matters worse it seemed that the perfect duo of my child and parent were making a great team as long as my partner wasn't around. Somehow as soon as he was the picture, I assigned the loving parent role to him, demanding, forcing love, care and attention which in reality I was perfectly capable to provide to my child by myself. I was also projecting my biological parent to my partner, always translating his reaction to my tantrums as punishment.

So what now? I was frustrated by myself, making immense progress in all other fields, yet slipping back into my old patterns of acting out, living in guilt and not changing anything. I felt particularly bad since my man had literally noticed my issues straight away, taken a depressed alcoholic junkie, shaken her to the core in the most gentle way possible and been there every step of my recovery.

Thanks to the Higher Power, my mentor had the answer. Just like I consist of a parent and child, so does my partner. Just like I want to achieve professional, intellectual, and other dreams while providing the care to myself in the form of a loving parent, so does he. We are not addicted to each other, that would be utterly unhealthy. But then there are times when the children inside us want to play. That's when my playful child can forget the achievements, worries, plans, bills, diets and just relax with another child wanting to do the same. That also meant no more expectations, demands or forced fantasies. I could ask him out to do whatever my silly child wanted to do. In the end of the day it didn't matter how we spent time, as long as we were having healthy fun and enjoying ourselves.

Today I am loving the child in me and being a loving parent. Today I thank my Higher Power for a new understanding of myself. And then hope that this works in the long run.

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it is time to face the next addiction and illness: sugar and anorexia/bulimia. my ED and weight have become critically dangerous to health and survival so this cannot wait any longer. a human body doesn't need sugar for survival. it needs carbs, not sugar.
looking back, i never had a sweet tooth, this appeared only when i started drinking more often or tried to quit. but once again it sums up to all the other addictions and the behavior as such. anyhow, sugar must go.

after analyzing my finances for several months, i realized i spent around 500 eur per month for booze, cigarettes and "unnecessary food".

i am going back to a 5th grader's thinking - i have pocket money - how do i spend it? what do i really really want that is worth saving up for? do i really need this?

from strict self discipline i went to allowing myself anything - go inside a store and take what i want. what gluttony is this? how would i ever teach a child to be economical and rational about spending when i act as a kid who has gotten allowance and is running to the candy store. everything is so accessible - new tv, new clothes, new trips, everything - one barely ever saves up and even takes credit cards. we make money to pay for what? - our other addictions!

there are many people who can enjoy comfort without getting obsessed with it. i am not one of those people. i am an addict, meaning that once i get "into something", i cannot stop. it was around 4 years ago i started little by little giving up discipline and giving into small comfortable things - taking a car instead of biking, going to gym less and less, drinking and smoking more and more, getting emotionally drunk on negativity and addicted on all kinds of emotions. i had suspicions i am an alcoholic around 6-8 years ago, i guess that is when my mind was still sane enough to be able to diagnose myself and see the danger i'm about to be swallowed in if i gave in.

but oh well, no one is to blame. the illness is what it is and it acts out and consumes me if i do not treat it. getting into the addictive comfort is easy, getting out of it - that is a challenge and a struggle.

today i ask myself: what can i do today different from yesterday? how can i step out of useless, destructive, boring routine that is no good for me?

and most importantly: what is good for me today?

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