Senaste inläggen som handlar om steps
this blog has been my diary for the past 10 years, so if you've read it, you know more about me than the last 12 steps. however, when i see the number of people who have read (and still read) my posts but never leave a comment -
i love bragging about my new life. i really do. but what feeds my ego is what destroys me. so truth shall set me free.
but i have only fucked up life really bad when under influence.
and i could not stop.
my only options were to seek help or give in and die.
if you feel like you have a problem with drinking or your friend or family member is suffering, reach out -
i cannot cure anyone but i can gladly share my story in detail or answer any questions about my recovery to people who really need it. once upon a time this blog was sometimes read by some people that know me -
if you have any further questions feel free to scribble a line to: arlona.blo
what others think, do or feel is none of my business. i cannot nor should i control it, influence it or worry about it. freedom.
instead i am busy with fulfilling my own needs and following the path of Higher Power. my shortcomings are no longer a proof of a failure, they are crumbs to be dusted away one by one.
i no longer have to worry about the day or it's outcome, i rely that everything, each person, event or happening is sent by Higher Power, so there is no point worrying.
forgiving myself. forgiving everyone else. letting peace, joy and faith take over.
today and everyday i ask God to let me rely on him through every hour of the day. whatever news i might receive, let me accept them with harmony and conviction that it is God's will. lead me and teach me how to pray, believe, hope, forgive and love.
it is time to face the next addiction and illness: sugar and anorexia/b
after analyzing my finances for several months, i realized i spent around 500 eur per month for booze, cigarettes and "unnecessary food".
i am going back to a 5th grader's thinking -
from strict self discipline i went to allowing myself anything -
there are many people who can enjoy comfort without getting obsessed with it. i am not one of those people. i am an addict, meaning that once i get "into something", i cannot stop. it was around 4 years ago i started little by little giving up discipline and giving into small comfortable things -
but oh well, no one is to blame. the illness is what it is and it acts out and consumes me if i do not treat it. getting into the addictive comfort is easy, getting out of it -
today i ask myself: what can i do today different from yesterday? how can i step out of useless, destructive, boring routine that is no good for me?
and most importantly: what is good for me today?
the well founded steps were working in the right order. the strong understand
some apologies i've made and some are still to come, but i wanted to share the strongest experience i've had and believe nothing will trump it.
the last months have helped me stop denying and hating the part of me that is like her, but accept and handle it, feel compassion towards those characteri
i wasn't nervous about meeting her. the feeling i could describe it best was silence -
she was devastated to hear i'm an alcoholic. she blamed my man, which i wasn't angry about since understand
there was one struggle -
and then it happened -
i simply was an introvert who hated small talk and got even more secluded when someone tried to force a personal connection on me. i loved being on my own and only got involved if the rules were clear or if i felt safe. but i had grown up thinking there was something wrong with me. why wasn't i social? why didn't i have many friends? why don't i have close relationship to my mother? mother's frustration and desperation over the years was more than understand
and there it was -
i had promised myself and her to be honest.
only now i realize the magnitude of the harm i've caused to others, hiding in the victim's role.
i hope they can forgive me.
i prayed for my flaws to be removed. even went to a church and accidentally participated in a christenin
all of my character flaws were not removed at once then and there.
it is not up to me anymore.
listing my flaws for God to remove was the next step.
i feel emptied. but i also have no idea who i am.
without the ego, there are few joys now until i learn how to live honestly and build life from a scratch -
but joy will come.
writing down all my fears, angers, flaws and failures was difficult enough but also freeing.
admitting it to a person i trust deeply with my wrongdoings was a natural step for me. i let someone else see all that darkness. it is quite miraculous to comprehend it was possible.
every day further from the illusions.
by far the most difficult, painful and rewarding step i have taken.
listing all my angers, fears, resentments, and in the end, all hurtful actions i have caused has removed (almost) all illusion i had of myself. seeing that i am far from perfect, with many delusional beliefs of myself and others, the lack of responsibi
i am no longer a victim. of my childhood, failed intimate relationsh
only i am responsible for my own happiness, and my feelings and their expressions is the only thing i can and should influence. i've lost all anger, fear, resentment. but i also feel no guilt, blame, shame.
i just am. just like everyone else.
we are born hearing the concept of God -
i struggled with God's existence. raised in a christian family, religion was a part of my upbringing i so desperately tried to shake off in my early 20ties.
turns out God can be anything i believe he is. as long as i believe that there is power stronger and higher than me -
my God has saved me. i have entrusted my whole life in His hands. i no longer try to control anything, He is the Director of my life. the moment i let go of my worries and truly put my worries in his hands, i felt how faith works.
and it is my utmost duty to take care of myself and be good to myself as one of his creations.
may my road, health, life and work serve as a proof of His mightiness, love and power.
next task -
this was world changing.
simplest example -
i'm following serenity.
every day understand and point out things that i am powerless of. things i cannot control.
this brought me closer to the serenity prayer.
at first it seemed plain, i cannot control other people, environment, and my own emotions. it became a lot more interesting when this became a practical task.
sometimes i was powerless of my dysfunctio
i learned not to force, control, restrict myself. i'm rather feeling to what my body wants and why. is it a dysfunctio
feeling and understand
it is also easier to let go of things that i can't control.