Senaste inläggen som handlar om steps
the well founded steps were working in the right order. the strong understand
some apologies i've made and some are still to come, but i wanted to share the strongest experience i've had and believe nothing will trump it.
the last months have helped me stop denying and hating the part of me that is like her, but accept and handle it, feel compassion towards those characteri
i wasn't nervous about meeting her. the feeling i could describe it best was silence -
she was devastated to hear i'm an alcoholic. she blamed my man, which i wasn't angry about since understand
there was one struggle -
and then it happened -
i simply was an introvert who hated small talk and got even more secluded when someone tried to force a personal connection on me. i loved being on my own and only got involved if the rules were clear or if i felt safe. but i had grown up thinking there was something wrong with me. why wasn't i social? why didn't i have many friends? why don't i have close relationship to my mother? mother's frustration and desperation over the years was more than understand
and there it was -
i had promised myself and her to be honest.
only now i realize the magnitude of the harm i've caused to others, hiding in the victim's role.
i hope they can forgive me.
i prayed for my flaws to be removed. even went to a church and accidentally participated in a christenin
all of my character flaws were not removed at once then and there.
it is not up to me anymore.
listing my flaws for God to remove was the next step.
i feel emptied. but i also have no idea who i am.
without the ego, there are few joys now until i learn how to live honestly and build life from a scratch -
but joy will come.
writing down all my fears, angers, flaws and failures was difficult enough but also freeing.
admitting it to a person i trust deeply with my wrongdoings was a natural step for me. i let someone else see all that darkness. it is quite miraculous to comprehend it was possible.
every day further from the illusions.
by far the most difficult, painful and rewarding step i have taken.
listing all my angers, fears, resentments, and in the end, all hurtful actions i have caused has removed (almost) all illusion i had of myself. seeing that i am far from perfect, with many delusional beliefs of myself and others, the lack of responsibi
i am no longer a victim. of my childhood, failed intimate relationsh
only i am responsible for my own happiness, and my feelings and their expressions is the only thing i can and should influence. i've lost all anger, fear, resentment. but i also feel no guilt, blame, shame.
i just am. just like everyone else.
every day understand and point out things that i am powerless of. things i cannot control.
this brought me closer to the serenity prayer.
at first it seemed plain, i cannot control other people, environment, and my own emotions. it became a lot more interesting when this became a practical task.
sometimes i was powerless of my dysfunctio
i learned not to force, control, restrict myself. i'm rather feeling to what my body wants and why. is it a dysfunctio
feeling and understand
it is also easier to let go of things that i can't control.